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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people think single parents sit on their arse if they are not working? it

203 replies

malificent7 · 24/06/2017 08:01

So bringing up a child alone isnt a lot of work in itself?

Just been reading the benefit cap thread where someone said that people sit on their arse and still get 20 grand a year.

Im a single mum abd i do work but bringing up kids is the most important job ever ( but only if your middle class sith a rich dp it would seem. If your single then how dare you have kids in the first place )

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 24/06/2017 08:04
Hmm
n0rtherrn · 24/06/2017 08:05

Some people are just twats.

It's very easy for those who haven't had struggles to sit on their pedestal and judge people less fortunate than them.

What they don't realise is their comfortable/privileged lifestyle could be snatched away very easily and they could be the single parent on benefits or struggling on minimum wage.

megletthesecond · 24/06/2017 08:09

Yanbu. Some people don't realise how overwhelming and exhausting being a lp is. I work pt and it's a nightmare. The kids miss out on things and I'm in a permanent state of messy house and extreme stress.

Rainybo · 24/06/2017 08:10

I guess the tension comes when there are those who are bringing up children and working full time and yet bringing home less than 20k a year.

Sitting on your arse is a sweeping statement, but once the children are of school age then that's 25 hours a week free. It's not an insignificant amount of time. It's up to an individual whether they choose to use that time to work or not, and school hour jobs are not easy to come by, but let's not pretend all that time is what it takes for housework and child associated tasks.

Fab39ish · 24/06/2017 08:11

Yanbu

Rainybo · 24/06/2017 08:13

Just to set out my stall, I'm a lp, working full time and I'm sitting on my arse right now.

ClopySow · 24/06/2017 08:14

They think it because they believe the gutter press.

Livelovebehappy · 24/06/2017 08:14

I think OP, it's not a case of single parents sitting on their arse, it's just about people being able to afford to have children in the first place, without relying on the state. I know life's circumstances sometimes mean we can end up single parents through no fault of our own, but I guess it's just when people decide they want children as a lifestyle choice with no forward planning of how they are going to cope financially. I had to wait four years after I married before I felt I could afford to have children.

ClopySow · 24/06/2017 08:20

Isn't their a rule now about not being elligible for certain benefits once children are of school age?

I'm also a single parent. Bar 2 years in the last 16, i have either worked full time or part time when i went back to college for 2 years. It was a massive struggle when they were younger and i had child care costs, but easier now.
One of my colleagues is a single parent to a 4 year old and works 25 hours a week. She's one a decent wage and is trying really hard to up her hours and improve her financial situation, but for every extra £ she earns she loses it somewhere else. It's pretty soul destrying for her and in actual fact, it would be less stressful for her and financially not much of a difference to not work just now.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 24/06/2017 08:24

for every extra £ she earns she loses it somewhere else

Well yes, but the key here is that she's earning it herself rather than relying on benefits. Surely something to aspire to?

AccidentalMagic · 24/06/2017 08:33

I'm a single parent, I have primary aged children and I do work. If a woman has preschool children, then I honestly think that she should have state support to stay at home with them if that is what she chooses. However, once the children are at school, I think it's appropriate that she is helped/supported back into work or training.

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 24/06/2017 08:34

I am a very lone parent to a 2 year old and an 8 month old, the relationship was incredibly violent which started during my pregnancy with the oldest and then he raped me which caused number 2 to be conceived. I finally got rid of him in january. My maternity leave finishes today actually from retail management. I have spent months trying to figure how to get round one 4am shift start a week and every third weekend sat and sun for childcare. to complicate matters my oldest is undergoing assessment for autism.

I have had to hand my notice in which means that I will now be reliant on benefits.

its frustratinf because you have to work 16 hours to get help with childcare and in a minimum wage job it makes no financial sense to be working at the moment.

I resent the stereotype, even my dad has made comments about his taxes paying for my children. In september I will be returning to the open uni to carry on my degree (havr completed level one already) so at least I am working towards our future one way or another but I am gutted I cant return to work. Another year or two of no adult company or conversation is pretty soul destroying.

Squirmy65ghyg · 24/06/2017 08:37

Ah! I should have "forward planned" exh turning hugely abusive when I had DS. Silly me. Oh wait, I work, so I'm okay am I? 99% of single parents don't plan to be single parents. My ex husband has not seen or spoken to my son in several years. Save the ire for him and people like him.

Totally agree OP. It's judgy as fuck and pisses me off.

Underthemoonlight · 24/06/2017 08:38

Yanbu I'm married now and a sahm and it's nothing compared to when I was a single mom to DS working full time whilst trying to look after a toddler. It makes a difference having the support of a dp not just finically but mentally too.

Squeegle · 24/06/2017 08:42

Yes. I agree it is the lack of mental support that makes everything harder as an LP. It can be so relentless. As a lone parent I actually preferred to be at work when my kids were smaller, it was such hard work looking after them at home all the time!!! But not easy to do this unless you have a very well paid job. Childcare is prohibitive for most

RudeDog · 24/06/2017 08:46

There definitely should be more help to get people to work. The whole number of hours to get some childcare is ridiculous- they could time cap it - any work is good!
Having recently spent 6 months unemployed whilst DD was at school, I don't want to do that again.
I was lonely and bored.

I could have started working earlier but I needed pre school childcare and my school offers nothing (friend has started childminding now so i work f/t term time)

I know several people with school aged children who don't work (well off partners and benefits) - I don't think it does any of them any good.
Some of them have worked so little in the last 20 years the mechanics of actually getting ready and going to work are totally alien to them.

One in particular has turned basic shopping for a household into a full time activity - she's always sooooo busy. She just goes to town a lot.

toomuchtooold · 24/06/2017 08:48

The thing that does my nut in is when people who actually have kids say things like "oh they just keep having children so they can stay on benefits." My aunties have said that, and they're usually basically OK people, and they all have kids, so they know what it's like looking after small kids - who in their right mind would think that that's the lazy way out of anything?

Reow · 24/06/2017 08:51

I sit on my arse at my desk 40 hours a week.

Livelovebehappy · 24/06/2017 08:52

Squirmy, I did say in my post that there are circumstances where you can't plan on becoming a SP. My marriage also broke up after I had DCs, and although I worked full time, I struggled massively. I'm talking about those who are single and choose to have kids without thinking how they can afford them.

Namechange2837 · 24/06/2017 08:53

We've got channel 5 (Benefit Britain/Britain's scroungers etc), and Jeremy Kyle to thank for it.

Notso · 24/06/2017 08:55

I think SAHP are not really valued regardless of whether they are single parents on benefits or married with a rich DP.

FinallyThroughTheRoof · 24/06/2017 08:57

Saying poor people shouldn't have children is pretty distasteful.

Squeegle · 24/06/2017 08:59

Hopefully it is more fun if you have a rich DP though notso

Squeegle · 24/06/2017 08:59

finally, I am no right winger but we should all work out whether we can afford to have kids before we have them surely.

requestingsunshine · 24/06/2017 09:00

I'm a single parent of 4. I did not plan to be a single parent and yes they all have the same dad. I work my arse off full time to provide everything for them as no help from exH financially.

However, I earn way less than £20000. I would actually be better off financially if I didn't work, not to mention being able to be there for the children and get to attend every school event.

But that's only thinking about the now. I'm trying to think of their future and I hope that in the future I'll have worked my way up to more than £20000 and create a decent life for us.

I will admit, I am jealous of anyone who is able to be a sahm whether because of a supportive partner or a single parent being supported by the government . Not in a bitter way, but in the way you'd look at someone with a financially secure and fun life and want to aspire to that. And yes I do think someone who doesn't work and is supported solely by the government has it a hell of a lot easier than single parents who do work. But I also know I'm lucky to have my job which has potential to make me able to better myself.

In the meantime my house remains a mess, I am tired out most of the time and my children will have to make do without parent support on sports day. But I still have my pride and I hope one day my children will be proud that I did whatever I could to try and build a decent life.