To wonder why people think single parents sit on their arse if they are not working? it

[malificent7]

So bringing up a child alone isnt a lot of work in itself?

Just been reading the benefit cap thread where someone said that people sit on their arse and still get 20 grand a year.

Im a single mum abd i do work but bringing up kids is the most important job ever ( but only if your middle class sith a rich dp it would seem. If your single then how dare you have kids in the first place )

I've been a lone parent and I've been a married parent, and it pisses me off when people go on about lone parenting being automatically so much harder than the opposite. It's not, its about individual set up, as always.
For example, its much easier to be a lone parent to one child in school with the kid going to the other parent EOW and one night a week than it is to be a married parent to 4 children with SN and no family support.
(neither of which apply to me but to people I know, to be clear)

It's all individual. We need to drop this idea that lone parenting is automatically the hardest thing ever. Some lone parents do bugger all, same as some non lone parents, some lone parents have it very tough, same as some non lone parents.
Lets stop with the stereotyping on all sides.

if people who claim some sort of top up benifits are scroungers I guess that would make at least 80% of the population scroungers then.

To be honest I do think it's a huge problem.

I think at the top of it is the issue that mothers are left holding the baby: fathers are not. How many men pay nothing or minimal costs towards their children?

If the government - any government - wanted to deal with that then they could. Look at how attitudes to smoking, drink driving, racism, have changed over three decades. Yet men can still leave their children with little to no social stigma.

Then childcare. Many jobs, especially low paid, expect anti social hours. Yet childcare assumes we all work 9-5 Monday to Friday. We don't.

Then I do think some people don't think about the future ... I mean, I do think when you have four, five, six children there is a sort of lack of wise thought there; it lacks an acknowledgement that large families will be difficult to pay for without state intervention and if - if - thins go wrong, providing for two children is one thing but providing for four is a lot harder.

But we all make unwise choices I suppose.

WTF are you going on about? Lone parents aren't exempt from supporting their families. (Men who turn their backs on their children are, however. angry)
They were for many years, and now still only have to work 16 hours and therefore still receiving much more from the state than they provide themselves.

A bit confused as to why it should only be the men responsible for supporting their children. I see that it is a joint responsibility, but if the other is not stepping to the mark, it becomes the full responsibility of the other by default, not the state.

if people who claim some sort of top up benifits are scroungers I guess that would make at least 80% of the population scroungers then

Technically. Unfortunately the derogatory name calling and stereotyping is left for single parents more than anything. I have heard all sorts over the years, I have of it within earshot. I love it when challenged these bigots say oh, we didn't mean you'. Bollox. Of course you did.

I've been a lone parent and I've been a married parent, and it pisses me off when people go on about lone parenting being automatically so much harder than the opposite. It's not, its about individual set up, as always
Totally agree with that. I didn't find my life so much easier once I moved in with my partner. He works long hours starting early in the mornings, so still had to rely on childcare for me to work, same with holidays. It would only have been easier if I stopped working and expected him to support us all, but why would I done that when I was working before anyway.

But we all make unwise choices I suppose. Yeah, it was really unwise of me to choose twins...

But we all make unwise choices

Yep I had a choice whether to stay and be beaten or run, just run anywhere WITH BORN WITHIN MARRIAGE DD so I ran.

bit confused as to why it should only be the men responsible for supporting their children. I see that it is a joint responsibility, but if the other is not stepping to the mark, it becomes the full responsibility of the other by default, not the state

But the state has a responsibility to treat its citizens fairly, reasonably. Forcing the people left holding the baby to work is one thing. Setting up the CSA but leaving it without the powers/funding/ goodwill to be able to force the other parent into supporting their child is quite another. There is much that appropriate legislation and a zero-tolerance approach to one parent abdicating their responsibilities could do to make the lives of lone parents easier. It is not acceptable, reaonsable or fair to tackle only one side of lone parenting.

I think at the top of it is the issue that mothers are left holding the baby: fathers are not. How many men pay nothing or minimal costs towards their children?
And how many single mothers would agree to their ex becoming the resident parent whilst they go to work and support their children and ex? Very few when they are honest.

Yes childcare is difficult of you don't work 9-5, but who is stopping anyone looking for a 9-5 job?

What there is is a lot of excuses from single parent who are just perfectly satisfied working the minimum 16 hours whilst still enjoying a decent lifestyle, especially if they do get maintenance from the ex that is not counted as income.

Nurseries are not open 24 hours there lies the problem with having to work shifts

somerville that is horrifying about the food banks. Widowed and going to food banks. Well done UK 2017.

Swingofthings you seem to have a particular loathing of single mothers and seem intent on laying blame on women only.
Do you have some deep rooted personal issues maybe going on?

swing it's also about cost. If I worked my job 9-5 I'd have to claim way more from the state to help with childcare costs than I do in tax credits working 24 hours a week with childcare done by my parents.

Dawn you picked that out of an entire post that primarily blamed men abandoning their children and rigid childcare as reasons why single parents struggle.

You don't need me to point out twins isn't a choice (although you have deliberately phrased it as such to make a bizarre attempt to make my point personal to you) but when people have big families, supporting them is not always easy when things change and it can become a reason in itself to NOT change things.

And swing there is nothing to stop anyone looking for a 9-5 job but finding one is another matter!

I'm pretty resigned to the fact that I probably won't work for another few years and when I do it will be low paid and anti social hours.

Lime, if I got the wrong end of the stick, I apologise.
I do know what it's like, I am on my own now due to da.

Setting up the CSA but leaving it without the powers/funding/ goodwill to be able to force the other parent into supporting their child is quite another.
I think this is a matter where people will different views. I don't consider the state to be responsible for the choices we made as father to our children. Of course in many cases, we couldn't foresee them becoming losers, but I still don't see that the state, which really are strangers paying tax should have to pick up the tab.

And I do speak from experience! When I met my OH, he worked FT is a professional job and we earned the same income. He started paying maintenance after we separated, but lost his job after only 6 months. After that, he was in and out of jobs and stopped paying except for when I pestered him over and over. I finally grew tired of it and stopped asking. I didn't go to csa because of him being in and out of jobs most of them being on self-employed basis, so I knew it would lead to nothing. He hasn't paid for his children for 10 years, but I still don't feel that it makes the state responsible for my kids.

If I worked my job 9-5 I'd have to claim way more from the state to help with childcare costs than I do in tax credits working 24 hours a week with childcare done by my parents.
No issue with working whatever hours suits when childcare is available, I was commenting on those claiming they can't work at all because they can only get evening/week-end/irregular hours jobs and there's no childcare.

I've been a single parent since my son was a toddler, the only reason I have been able to work full time was because my family could do half my childcare, plus back then childcare was nowhere near as expensive (he's 12 now).

Ex never paid maintenance other than the odd tenner here and there.

And swing there is nothing to stop anyone looking for a 9-5 job but finding one is another matter!
I'm sure that's the case in some areas, but from my experience, I don't know many single parents who are regularly looking and applying for these jobs when they do ok on IS or claiming maximum tax credits on 16 hours.

Don't worry dawn

I suppose what I'm saying is I think we all have to be mindful that circumstances can change and while we can't plan for every eventuality some things - having a very large family, not working, and so on, can lead to adverse effects.

I'm saying this to myself as much as to anyone! I had a third baby and obviously - obviously I love her dearly, I love her more than I could ever possibly say, BUT, in having her I was foolish, and I made a choice that probably wasn't wise.

But it's a question now I suppose of owning that choice and acknowledging that life with three children will be harder than it would have been if we'd stopped at two.

And how many single mothers would agree to their ex becoming the resident parent whilst they go to work and support their children and ex? Very few when they are honest

Who has said mums don't have to work? Whether you like it or not, our socio-cultural set up for the majority is that mum does the bulk of work relating to children. Few children would want that established routine and relationship to be whipped out from under them because their parents have split up. This notion of it's either mum or dad who works and provides isn't helpful in trying to find a solution. How many workplaces, for example, don't bat an eyelid at mumleaving for a sick child but will be difficult about dad doing the same thing? To truly have a position where both parents can earn a living and jointly fulfill their responsibilities towards their children there is still a massive socio-cultural shift that needs to happen. In the meantime, it's OK to put my back against the wall and force me into full-time work and my children in care 7am-7pm or I'm benefit scum?

It is also convenient to ignore the thousands of (mainly) dads who walk away from their children without so much as a backward glance. You are essentially saying it's ok for such a dad to say 'I want all or nothing' and it's then mum's fault if she's left with all.

We all draw our views from our experiences and mine has been of single mothers not wanting to work FT. Since I became a manager, I've recruited to admin roles about 5 or 6 times.The roles were always advertised FT, but with flexible working hours.

Each time was the same with the single mums being interviewed asking if there was any possibility of working 16 hours, or 21 if not possible. When I would say that the job was FT but that we could arrange for them to start earlier or finish later, I still got the same answer that they were only looking for no more than 3 working days.

The last two adverts, I've made it clear that the job was FT only and PT wouldn't be considered. Maybe it is a coincidence, but there's been no mention from any applicants of being single parents (they might have been, but didn't feel the need to mention it).

swing but honestly the jobs available for women people on a low income DO tend to be anti social.

Care work
Retail
Cleaning
Driving (haven't seen many women do this to be fair)

and so on.

It's fine if your mum is local and can watch the kids while you do your beds working for a care agency.

If you have no one, you can't.

So the problem is childcare, in those instances.

@six6 yes I would if you were like my SIL - my BIL works himself into the ground whilst she sits at home
She has a cleaner as she 'is too busy for housework'
She shops, she has coffee with friends. She could be contributing and take the load off. Her children are nearly grown - she doesn't need to be there all the time

I think few households with one working parent get nothing on way of benefits