To wonder why people think single parents sit on their arse if they are not working? it

[malificent7]

So bringing up a child alone isnt a lot of work in itself?

Just been reading the benefit cap thread where someone said that people sit on their arse and still get 20 grand a year.

Im a single mum abd i do work but bringing up kids is the most important job ever ( but only if your middle class sith a rich dp it would seem. If your single then how dare you have kids in the first place )

I'm talking about those who are single and choose to have kids without thinking how they can afford them.

I think you're seriously overestimating the amount of women who fall into that category. I don't know anyone who had children knowing they would bring them up on benefits as a 'lifestyle choice'. I do know several women who ended up on benefits as a result of marriage breakdown or chronic illness or being unable to work because they needed to care for disabled DCs.

Having been unemployed and reliant solely on benefits for a while after my marriage broke up, I cannot imagine many people would see it as a desirable option. I personally found it soul destroying.

it doesn't take long for these threads to start slagging off SAHM with comments like I don't think it does any of them any good.

No, of course the tax payer shouldn't foot the bill for people who chose to stay home with various excuses, but as long as you are financially independent, who cares if you work or not, why is it of anyone's business if you are a SAHM or a working one.

I was ever so married when I gave birth to the fourth child. A few years later I was no longer married but the children still existed, funnily enough. People have this stereotype in mind which I doubt can be fairly applied to the majority of single parents.

IMO one should not call children a "lifestyle choice". They're the next generation of citizens, the ones who'll be growing/preparing/delivering our food, treating our ailments and pushing our wheelchairs in a few years. It is in everyone's interests that sufficient numbers of children are brought into existence and raised as healthy, capable and conscientious adults. I think it's fair enough to poach a bit off taxpayers to spread the load of raising those citizens, given that the parents will still be picking up nearly all the work and expense. If reproduction were solely the prerogative of well-off couples, Society would be in a desperate state indeed.

Am I allowed to say I would LOVE to be a SAHM - but only if I had plenty of money to have fun with. Lottery ticket today I think

I'm afraid you are being unreasonable. Compare life of a working single mum or who's partner works away a lot of which there are plenty and one who relies on benefits. Working mum. Get up at 5:30 get self ready for work half way though kids get up. Rush round getting them ready whilst making ur packed lunch and trying to make yourself at least presentable. Get everyone breakfast rush out the door to get to childminders for 7:30 run to catch 8am train. Work all day under constant stress, rush to catching 515 train which is running late to pick up kids from childminders before 6pm cut off. Get home cook tea do homework bath kids put to bed in 1.5-2hours. Get a shower, catch up on work you had to leave half way through. Watch bit of tv at 11pm to finally unwind. Fall asleep at 12 up again 530. Weekends all about cleaning/shopping catching up on things no time for in weeks.Single parent who doesn't work get up at 7. Throw on some clothes. Get kids ready to saunter to school for 9am. Come home have a shower, do some house work:shopping etc. Leave at 3to pick up
Kids suck home by 3:30 have 4hours to do homework cook tea etc. Kids in bed by 730. 8pm sit down. Weekends well most things done in week. Once childcare and costs of commuting taken into account not a lot of difference between the 2. Can you really not see why people get pissed off when people complain?

Squeegle I know single parents on benefits who love their lifestyle, they have lots of family and friends to support them and have loads of fun. I know married SAHP's who are struggling and pretty miserable for various reasons.

@1ofthesedays I'll stand by it - my sister in law gave up work. She can't really afford it but needs to give the impression she can. (Appearance is everything!)
Her children are 15 and 17 - she spends too much time alone obsessing about fuck all and shopping. She starts projects and money making schemes that fail.
She would have hugely benefitted from spending time with adults and using her brain effectively.
She's not a single parent I am well aware

Double standards. The same people doing the judging probably don't realise that households with a married SAHP are often claiming benefits too (e.g. Child benefit, tax credits etc).

I was a single parent for 8 years and didn't receive any help - above thresholds for child benefit etc so luckily didn't need it. I wouldnt dream of judging anyone else for their choices though, each to their own and all that.

To be clear I have no issue with in work benefits, these should be increase to help people who are willing to help themselves, as should benefits for the disabled. If you are physically able you should be working

I am a widowed lone parent. I have DD1 who is 7 and DD2 who is 3. I was widowed whilst pregnant with DD2.

I am work 4 days per week and have done since DD2 was six months. I earn 56k and also receive widowed parents allows (basically DH's pension) at 500 per month.

And I still spend more than I earn thanks to crippling chiildcare costs! I have no clue how others lone parents who aren't as fortunate to earn well manage. I am in awe of them. I can only manage to work because I can afford decent childcare. I'm very fortunate.

That said I'm obviously permanently knackered. Widowed parenting is like pushing a massive rock up a hill with two smaller rocks tied to you.

Yes I am sure lots of married SAHMs are unhappy too - that's why a private income is needed isn't it. For me I hate to be dependent on anyone whether it is a spouse or the govt. I am secure as I am working full time and supporting dcs

• but my life is not that much fun and I could do with more of that

bringing up kids is the most important job ever

It really isn't.

But that aside. I will admit that if I came accross a single parent with no job I would wonder why they had no job.

Yes I think I'd sooner be a widowed lone parent than a married SAHM with no income of my own. I cannot imagine being that vulnerable and dependent. Scares the life out of me.

Single parent here too. I have always worked professionally to support my family. I didn't choose to be a single parent my DExH did when he decided he didn't like family life. Blame him, not me. I did ask him what would happen if I decided I didn't like family life either. -(Should we just sell the kids??? )- many men (and women) opt out. Don't be hard on the parent who stays.

This isn't aimed at single parents, it's aimed at single mothers. These children almost all have living fathers, where's the anger at them for not working, not supporting their offspring, abusing their partners and fucking off to the next woman to make more babies while their ex struggles to stay afloat? I'm not seeing it. It's another way to keep women in their place, its 'slut shaming' and woman bashing and victim blaming and it's not fair and it's not right.

So bringing up a child alone isnt a lot of work in itself?
It sure is, but then many single parents manage to do that whilst also working, so of course, there is always the question as to why if some can, others are absolutely incapable of it, unless there are health issues.

I raised two kids on my own, from the time they were only toddlers, worked FT and had no help at all (father useless, family living abroad). It certainly was hard work, but I've managed it and they are now lovely no trouble teenagers excelling at school.

I can appreciate that not everyone is as capable of doing it all as others, and although I did work FT when my kids were not yet at school, I have no issue with not expecting single mum to work until their kids are at school. After that though, I really don't see why not.

I think the isssue comes down to disposable income. When your disposable income working is not that much better than not working, you wonder why you should bother, however, that's not a view that will get sympathy from most working people.

I was that person grobags. No income of my own and married to a financially abusive man who wouldn't share 'his' money with me. Dreadful situation.

I left with the DCs and was so traumatised for a while (his abuse was physical as well) that I was incapable of doing anything except caring for my DCs for a while. Hence being reliant on benefits.

I have a job now though and although money is (very) tight I can at least budget for things myself and donhave to answer to anybody else.

I've been a LP since my youngest was 4. Both are still in primary school. I work full time in a career that pays me enough not to need benefits. BUT, I was lucky that when I was married and they were babies I kept my hand in (part time at first) despite it not really paying after childcare and travel. Had I not done this I'd have been absolutely buggered when H walked out as it's unlikely I'd have been able to get anything other than a low paid job and would have needed state support. Women who have taken the break and then find themselves alone are in a very difficult position and I feel for them massively. The new universal credit system seems dire. I am at risk of redundancy at the moment and if I lose my job (quite specialised) it's unlikely I'll get anywhere near my current salary and will lose my flexibility so salary will decrease and childcare will increase and then I'll be looking at a tax credits claim and a very reduced standard of living which is utterly depressing. I don't think anyone who has worked would choose this. I do agree though that people who have never had a good salary can get trapped by the system. Given the choice between earning £20k (or less) and dealing with the stresses of working and lone parenting or staying at home on roughly the same money i can see why they would choose the latter.

There is a massive dose of misogyny involved as most single parents are mothers. We are happy to target "the slutty welfare queens who can't keep their legs closed", but a father who walks out on his child(ren) gets off scot-free! In addition, there is a lot of double think as childcare is still predominently seem as women's work, but if you don't give 110% in your career after kids, you are obviously slacking off. How many men worry about juggling childcare or picking up kids at the school gate? It's insidious and these judgy narratives are designed to keep women in their place (doing most of the work!).

TheABC are you OuchBollocks as well?

The other thing is that very often children are not straightforward. If they have any sort of SEN or health problems there are a multitude of appointments to be kept which is impossible as a single mum holding down a job.

RudeDog

One example doesn't define a whole category of people. Boring people will be boring regardless. I have a lot more examples of SAHM who have time for hobbies, studying, reading, taking their kids to various museum and exhibitions. They have a much more interesting life than if they were at work. I loved my maternity leaves, so much time to do fun things!

Anyway, having the luxury of being paid (benefits) without having to work for them is just that, a luxury. Working parents have to do as much if not more.

This is only a goady troll thread anyway If your single then how dare you have kids in the first place
Does the OP really expect posters to reply, of course darling it's fine to decide to have children and live off the tax payers?

I'm a sahm parent to two preschool children. My husband is unpredictably away frequently and we agreed I'd stay home. After my first daughter I went back to work and the house stayed tidy while we were out and I had adult conversation to stimulate me.
Now I stay home I'm constantly chasing my ass to keep the house tidy and entertaining two children. They aren't good at being independent and I'll not lie I'm exhausted. I talk to my neighbours for ages for adult company lol.
However I don't think I'd cope with full time work because of the cost of childcare etc.
Damned if you do damned if you don't. This thread won't end well don't know why people post these. Just makes people feel bad about yourselves

For me I hate to be dependent on anyone whether it is a spouse or the govt

Are you a higher rate tax payer? How many children do you have? Say 2? Then you need to be earning a bloody good whack before you're a net contributor in tax terms and not dependent on the government..... The tax take is very, very narrow (interesting IFS study recently shows this)- it's a very narrow group of people who pay the tax which supports the country.

I'm ready to be flamed but when I was a single parent on full benefits with a school aged child ,I did spend a lot of my time sitting on my arse !

I'd drop dd at school , potter about a bit doing bits of housework then do nothing until 3 o'clock when it was time to do pick up.

It was in a time when there was no pressure to look for work until your child was 16 if you were happy to manage on income support , I had dd young so I had never had a taste of a decent pay packet or any career ambitions.

The most boring time of my life if I'm honest, having nothing on and no money to do much made me unmotivated and lazy .

Fast forward 15 years I'm now married ,full-time job in a demanding career with 2 more dcs .

I can't be arsed to care how other people live their lives but my experience of being a SP on benefits was exactly how channel 5 says it was , that said I'm not sure its mumsnet target audience so I doubt too many others will agree .