To wonder why people think single parents sit on their arse if they are not working? it

[malificent7]

So bringing up a child alone isnt a lot of work in itself?

Just been reading the benefit cap thread where someone said that people sit on their arse and still get 20 grand a year.

Im a single mum abd i do work but bringing up kids is the most important job ever ( but only if your middle class sith a rich dp it would seem. If your single then how dare you have kids in the first place )

I could afford children but I cannot forsee the future neither can anyone else.
My marriage ended because of DV along with a lot of other women
When we can stop men using violence we may have a lot less single Mum's !!!

It's a very uneven playing field and that's what I dislike.

Mums who work hard and take maternity get nine months yet those that don't get five years until a child starts school and even then only have to look for work as the benefits don't stop.

Yes some are lone parents as left widowed but an awful lot of people have children within weeks/months of dating or have numerous children that they have no hope of supporting if something happens. Given the high rate of couples splitting, looking at finances pre children seems to have skipped many.

Hear, hear Portia!! I had no intention of getting divorced but someone who was good on paper and who I'd known for a decade turned into an ea dick (with a bit of dv thrown in).

Best laid plans.

Mums who work hard and take maternity get nine months yet those that don't get five years until a child starts school and even then only have to look for work as the benefits don't stop

Not really rainbows. I know of someone who is a 'single working parent' whilst the 'absent father' has been residing in the same place for the past five years. She's worked something like six months altogether of the five years she's been there because she always seems to be on maternity leave with baby no 5/6/7.

You also don't get five years until the child starts school. That stopped years ago. Single parents have been being transferred over to JSA from IS once their child hits two for a good while now.

pixies Ive posted a link twice to prove single Mum's cannot sit on their arses but folk don't seem to want to know that!

but an awful lot of people have children within weeks/months of dating or have numerous children that they have no hope of supporting if something happens.
Some women have little choice in this. Not all, but some. My ex was harassing me to have children within six months of meeting him, disguised as a 'joke'. It's quite a common abusive trick.

pixies Ive posted a link twice to prove single Mum's cannot sit on their arses but folk don't seem to want to know that!

Of course not Portia. They won't read it. It doesn't fit their narrow minded narrative.

Portia, not sure the link validates the argument that they don't do little.

Attending the job centre now and again then when the child is 3 to 4 they have to look for part time work (so can look but easy to blow interviews if you don't actually want a job) is hardly onerous.

Financially supporting a child is a parenting basic that seems to have bypassed many. There's usually an excuse such as I don't like childcare, i only want School hours, i can net the same money from the state as not working etc.

If single parents just got maternity allowance so all mothers were equal, there would be a far more level playing ground and no mother treated differently just because she is doing the right thing and working.

Financially supporting a child is a parenting basic that seems to have bypassed many

Out of interest, can you define what you mean by "financially supporting"?

Well, it is dawn but ultimately we do all have to take responsibility for ourselves.

That includes men WRT children by the way.

i can net the same money from the state as not working etc.

I've never believed this statement. I was at my most financially comfortable when I was working. Being able to pay bills, days out, buy kids a treat, myself, not worrying about how much the shopping came too. Paying the rent & council tax and knowing I still had enough left over.

Either I'm doing it all wrong or the grass really isn't greener from my current view!

ultimately we do all have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Same question - what do you mean by "take responsibility for ourselves"?

If someone is pressurising us to have children, we do not need to say 'oh okay then.'

We can take responsibility for how many children we have.

We can take responsibility for the relationships we form.

I am not saying this is easy. But nor am I comfortable with a view that sees women as helpless and passive victims of circumstances/evil men.

limestrawberry Fair post. I thought you meant financial responsibility, which is a different issue.

Well, it is dawn but ultimately we do all have to take responsibility for ourselves.
Rape. it happens. It happens in relationships. Some women have no choices. Some women don't know how to access help. Some women have not had the support, to be able to say no, to escape. They are mentally unwell and are not capable of being responsible for themselves. They're probably not all that comfortable with being victims, either. Some women are helpless and passive victims of evil men. If that weren't the case Refuge would not need to exist.

Of course it does. But at what point do we say that women have no control over their bodies, how many children they have, whether or not they stay in an abusive relationship?

There are many barriers to a single mother parent working if she doesn't have her own family willing to help out. Perhaps by removing some of those barriers we could look at reducing state dependency.

I have no idea lime. Despite a PhD, I stayed for over 20 years. I have PTSD. I still have to ask my (adult) if things happened, how they happened, why they happened. My boundaries with regard to what is normal and what are acceptable behaviours are warped and I have to be guided. I still have difficulty using the word No, it still frightens me to do so, ridiculous though that may sound to you. I still feel that through the control used I had no agency. These things will change eventually.

Oh, and I would never have described myself as either helpless or passive.

and that should read adult children. Apologies. As you can see, there are still problems!

Dawn

Why would it sound ridiculous to me?

It's not ridiculous at all.

But I have got confused with the respective points we are making

As an aside though dawn please don't take everything so personally ... it really isn't fair to insinuate I am personally attacking you or your situation.

That's the second time in this thread and it's not fair.

Financially supporting a child is a parenting basic that seems to have bypassed many

What about the (mainly) men who consider this doesn't apply to them? Are you so vocal about their role in bringing up their children? Do you tackle men you know who behave in this way? Or do you just blame the mother for having made bad decisions?

If someone is pressurising us to have children, we do not need to say 'oh okay then...We can take responsibility for how many children we have...We can take responsibility for the relationships we form

Ah, the victim blaming, misogyny shite again. Please tell me in what way does a single mother left holding a baby and other children isn't taking responsibility for her children? Please tell me with 100% research-based certainty that the man I marry today will behave in exactly the same way in 5, 10, 20 and 50years from now. That nothing at all will happen to change him, me and our relationship. Please tell me how a woman with 4 children under 5, walking out of an abusive relationship, with few qualifications or little work experience will successfully make ends meet on minimum wage in a full time job anywhere in the country?

Mothers take responsibility everyday, managing on benefits, low wages, without support, or indeed, on good wages with lots of support. They are taking responsibility every time they feed their child, put clean clothes on them or turn up,at school on time. Parenting is about way more than providing via a wage. Statistics show that by far the majority of single parents work.

So fucking tired of people who think they can tell me who I am, what I should do and what responsibility I should take. Walk a fucking mile in my shoes and stop reading the Daily Mail.

Four children under 5?

Well I'd say that's mistake number one, to be candid.

It is wise to consider situations beyond the immediate.

It is wise to use contraception to control the number of children you have.

It is wise to acknowledge death, divorce and drama can and do happen.

...plus - and I'm sorry to harp on this again, but if you earn an average income of £21,000 then you pay just over £3k in tax and national insurance. Average cost of child's school place? £5k primary/£7k secondary. So if you have a child on an average income? The state is subsidising you....and that's before we get onto the cost of your healthcare, your share of funding for the police, the military etc etc. If you have two kids? The state is subsidising you even more.

All of this, by the way, is (in my opinion, at least) entirely right and proper. Aside from the fact that, in a civilised society, we maintain a standard of living for those less fortunate, those children will grow up to be the foundation of our society in the future. But don't think that just because you work you're independent and not being subsidised by others. You have to be a high earner to pay for yourself in your taxes - and a very high earner before your taxes pay for others.