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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

224 replies

user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:06

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.

I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Rossigigi · 12/06/2017 13:17

This is not normal behaviour. Is he a difficult child?

SaucyJack · 12/06/2017 13:21

Everything about him is boring? He's three. It's a joyful age in amongst the tanturms and potty training. That is a weeny bit cunty.

Hopefully once you've got some space from him, you can catch your breath and start developing a positive relationship with him.

Else, I honestly wouldn't hold out for a decent, healthy adult relationship with him. My absent father only took an interest once we were old enough to go to the pub with. We didn't forgive him, and we did not all live happily ever after together.

Best of luck x

Iloveanimals · 12/06/2017 13:21

I suppose it's better to know that and go and let someone else look after him better than you can. But I do think you should seek help. This doesn't sound right to me.

Conniedescending · 12/06/2017 13:24

Gosh this makes me so sad

Absolutely let his dad take the lead - this little lad needs to b the centre of someone's life before you fuck him up

There's something wrong if I haven't bonded so suggest u seek help

ToastDemon · 12/06/2017 13:25

Many fathers only see their children once a week, and are not told it's not "normal behaviour".
If that's how you feel, you are making the responsible choice by having his father as primary carer.

I wish there would be more acknowledgement that not everyone is cut out for child rearing, and that it is not obligatory.

MaggieMeldrum · 12/06/2017 13:26

Did you have a difficult pregnancy or birth?

RuncibleSp00n · 12/06/2017 13:26

I do think that quite a few mothers will identify with parts of what you've written. But you do seem to go further with it than is 'usual', and I'm wondering if you feel any conflicted emotion about giving up your son, or if you've sought any professional support with this decision (therapy, GP, Parentline, Relate etc)? If not, this could be an important thing to do, to explore the impact this decision might have.

You say that you're poking forward to your DS being an adult so that you can 'enjoy having a relationship with him'. I'm sorry to say though that it's very likely your son won't enjoy having a relationship with you by that time, unless this is handled sensitively. When he's an adult he might well reflect on this situation and feel hurt/angry/rejected as a child, and might choose not to pursue a relationship with you as adults. Just something to consider.

ImperialBlether · 12/06/2017 13:27

Is this the second thread about your son, OP?

RuncibleSp00n · 12/06/2017 13:27

*looking forward (not 'poking forward)Blush

Ratatatouille · 12/06/2017 13:29

Your poor son. I hope he manages the transition to living with his dad and is happy in his new home. That will be a very big upheaval for him, whether or not it's the right decision in the long term.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

The groundwork for that relationship happens now, during his childhood. You don't get to opt out and then suddenly opt back in when he is no longer "boring" to you.

I wish there would be more acknowledgement that not everyone is cut out for child rearing, and that it is not obligatory.

Well it sort of is obligatory once you've had the child, yes. Confused

user1487175389 · 12/06/2017 13:30

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Original poster
user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:31

To be honest I don't care if he doesn't any to know me as an adult.

Being a mum isn't for me.

OP posts:
Mulberry72 · 12/06/2017 13:31

This sounds very familiar, have you posted about your DS before OP?

Original poster
user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:31

It's awful. I've cried none stop for 3 years. I just cannot do it anymore. There is no bond at all.

OP posts:
Morphene · 12/06/2017 13:32

There is a huge swathe of sexism going here. You will be seeing your son at a higher level than many fathers do and have done so much more for him than many would.

However, I think the fact you indicate you look back and feel sad means there may be some issues there.

I didn't bond with my DD after a traumatic birth and even worse post natal care. I used to look back with sadness etc. and struggle every day to spend time with her.

To cut a very long story short I got some therapy and worked through those initial experiences and now have bonded with my DD after all.

So if you think it worth pursuing then you might give therapy a go. But there is no rule in the world that means you have to be a good mother, or bond to your child. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen, and to make that out to be a massive disaster when it happens to woman, while its basically an everyday occurrence for men is sexist bullshit.

Morphene · 12/06/2017 13:33

How confident are you that it isn't depression if you have cried for 3 years?

If you were sociopathic or anything like that then you wouldn't be crying!

MyCalmX · 12/06/2017 13:34

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MaggieMeldrum · 12/06/2017 13:34

Love, you clearly do care about your son or you wouldn't be so bothered by the situation.

I think some women do find the process of becoming a mum quite traumatic. I've read studies that suggest some mothers show signs of post traumatic stress. It's quite possible that what you really need is some kind of counselling. By all means let your son go and live at his dads but in the mean time spend some time working things out with a counsellor so that you can ultimately improve your relationship with your son

Original poster
user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:35

I've a lot of friends who are dads. I feel I have so much in common with them. They see their children every weekend but could never be full time single parents.

It doesn't mean you don't love your child.

It wasn't a difficult birth. But I was a in a terrible circumstances. Alone, no support, no money,no job.

Not the right environment for a child.

I grew up with everything.

OP posts:
RuncibleSp00n · 12/06/2017 13:35

You 'don't care if he doesn't want to know' you as an adult??! WTAF??

I tried to be measured and reasonable at first, OP. But if this is real, you are either in need of serious help or worthy of utter contempt (depending on whether there is something clinically wrong with you or whether you are just a deeply narcissistic a*hole.

Coddiwomple · 12/06/2017 13:35

At least you recognise the issue, and it sounds like you are doing the best thing you can by letting him live with his dad. He will be much happier there

Not everybody is a hearth mother, or one obsessed with bonding/ baby classes and entertaining them all day, but you do sound a bit extreme. For your own sake and his, I would seek help to see if there are any reason to feel that way.

Did you want to be pregnant in the first place? It's fine not to like children and not want any, but then it's very unfair to have one.

Pickleypickles · 12/06/2017 13:35

Does he bring you any joy? Maybe you are just overwhelmed with him rather than "a bad mum" I think every mum has times when it's too much and giving the reigns to someone else seems like the better option but are you 1000% sure you want him to live predominately with his dad? It's not fair on your son to change your mind in a fortnight.
Have you spoke to a gp? Counselling may help you talk through things and answers and reasons for how your feeling may become apparent to you.
I feel sorry for you OP, I think the fact you clearly feel remorse (or surely you wouldn't of posted?) Shows your questioning your decision and I just hope you don't make any drastic choices you'll regret in 6 months time. Flowers

DawnOfTheMombie · 12/06/2017 13:35

OP.

My sister gave her DS up when he was 1. It was absolutely the right call for him to live with his Dad.

Please ignore the "you're a monster" comments.

My nephew is now a well balanced 22 year old who has just left Uni and has a wonderful relationship with his Mum, she had him Fri-Sun EOW and one night in the week.

There's huge stigma around it but their shouldn't be. He's living with his other parent. So fucking what?

Morphene · 12/06/2017 13:36

It sounds like PTSD or post traumatic depression to me tbh.

Original poster
user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:36

It could be depression but I don't think so.

It's more than his presence makes me feel stressed and chocked.

On th surface I'm a good mum. Mum son is a lovely child and I get so many compliments on how good a mum I am. Inside I'm dead!

OP posts: