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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

224 replies

user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:06

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.

I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:36

I think I've just had too much to contend with. I need him to go away to regain myself.

That's why he needs to go to his dads.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 12/06/2017 13:37

If you work full time, he spends every weekend with his dad and every holiday with your parents you might find you have more of a bond with him if you actually spent some time with him.

MaggieMeldrum · 12/06/2017 13:37

"Inside I'm dead"

You quite clearly are depressed love

MaggieMeldrum · 12/06/2017 13:38

Everyone giving the op a hard time just lay off! This women needs help and support not a bashing.

DawnOfTheMombie · 12/06/2017 13:38

Should also have added - DSis was severely depressed but within a few months of her DS being with his Dad the depression lifted.

Morphene · 12/06/2017 13:38

op different people find different things 'traumatic'. There doesn't have to be some awful one off event, there can be a series of daily bad events that end up adding to the same phenomenon.

You sound very unhappy and quite desperate to me. Surely you can see this is not just a case of 'I don't have the right personality to be a mother'?

bridgetreilly · 12/06/2017 13:38

It sounds like you've been having a really awful time. It's not doing you or your son any good at the moment, so letting him go to live with his dad sounds like a good idea.

Hopefully, when you've had a little bit of a break from being his full-time carer, you'll feel differently about never wanting a relationship with him. You are his mother, so whatever you want, you will always be connected to him. You aren't the only one whose wellbeing counts here, his does too. And while that may be better with him not living full-time with you, do you really want him to spend his life knowing that his mother rejected him at the age of three? Could you try to manage some regular, ongoing contact now so that as he gets older you come to understand and appreciate him as a person, and that he comes to know you as well? Maybe one day you'll be able to explain something of how you felt during these early years and why you thought it best for him to go his father. Try not to cut him off completely.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/06/2017 13:39

It's not sexist to think that if you are the main carer for a child from birth to 3 years old, and you haven't got any kind of bond then there is a serious problem. Exactly the same would be the case if the OP was male and in the same position.

Not having a bond and being a poor parent isn't an everyday occurrence for men. There is plenty of concern and opinion for men that don't bond with their children and aren't good parents.

OP, I think you know that there is a problem. You might not be depressed but crying so much for so long is definitely a symptom of something. It's probably for the best right now that your son lives with his dad, assuming his dad can offer a warm and loving home. I think you would benefit from speaking about this to someone to see if you can build a relationship with your son.

SaucyJack · 12/06/2017 13:40

Why are you so convinced you don't have depression?

Everything further thing you post sounds more and more like classic PND.

Lots of parents have shared care arrangements with a co-parent, and feel all the better for the break. That's fine. But some of the things you are saying are indicative of a much deeper problem.

For both yours and your son's sakes, I really really think you should have a chat with your GP. It doesn't have to be like this.

Morphene · 12/06/2017 13:40

You had an expectation of what being a mother would be. Real life turned out totally against that expectation. That shock alone could be enough to trip you into depression. Saying you feel dead inside is pretty fecking strong indicator also.

You do realise that being depressed and enjoying your work are not mutually exclusive?

Morphene · 12/06/2017 13:41

ps. if the is depression it is GOOD NEWS, because there are really good therapies to help you recover if you can find them!

EezerGoode · 12/06/2017 13:42

Have you posted before? Have you got a masters and need a job in a hospital??? I sent you reply then,and said hang on it will get better,I suggested you give up yr council house and rent somewhere else...apologies if you arnt the same poster

Lofari · 12/06/2017 13:44

Gobsmacked by this post quite frankly.

muckypup73 · 12/06/2017 13:44

Can I ask why you posted this on here? are you looking for reassurance? do you want someone to change your mind? do you want someone to make you feel better? or just to confirm what you already know? I am only asking because it maybe a bit of an indicator.

MycatsaPirate · 12/06/2017 13:44

All those name calling the op or suggesting that she's awful should really do one. The op clearly wants support and help, not to be told she's a shit mother.

Op, there are a whole load of parents out there who never even bother seeing their kids - mostly they are dads but some are mums too. They couldn't care less.

You obviously DO care because you know that letting his dad have residency is the best option for your son. I presume his dad is happy with this and quite capable of caring for him so I really don't see what the issue is at all.

Your son has two parents. He lives with one and is now going to live with the other one. He will still see both parents. This happens all over the country all the time. It doesn't matter who he lives with as long as he is loved and well cared for and spends quality time with both parents regularly.

You are clearly doing what's right for him and ultimately you.

muckypup73 · 12/06/2017 13:47

Have you already had a thread deleted?

trulybadlydeeply · 12/06/2017 13:48

Who made the decision that you are not depressed? Was it your GP? A consultant? I would honestly ask for a second opinion.

I do believe that if you really don't wish to look after him full time, then he will be much better off with his Dad, and actually it is a brave decision you are making. However I have seen several friends make very drastic decisions about children/partners when they have been very depressed, or having other severe mental health issues. When these issues were later identified and treated they deeply regretted the decisions they had made, but it was largely too late.

Do send him to live with his dad for the time being, and get the break that you clearly need, however i would strongly urge you to seek further medical input.

Good luck OP.

Onceafortnight · 12/06/2017 13:49

Yes I remember your story too. You sound completely sure and if your child's father is willing to look after him then that sounds the best option under the circumstances.

Original poster
user1497263349 · 12/06/2017 13:49

I have a good job. Decent wage. It's not permanent but I have financial security now.

I've achieved so much these last three years. I should be proud of myself.

I always said I'd be fine once I got a job. I feel worse now than before.

If my son lives with his dad I don't think it's fair to them have him back with me once I'm better.

I have PND. Already diagnosed but I've had all the help offered and nothing has helped.

Now even my own parents think I should have him at his dad.

OP posts:
cremedelashite · 12/06/2017 13:52

Op- Genuinely i wish you and your son every best for your future. This can't have been easy for you. The comment of feeling dead inside makes me think you'd benefit from some therapy too. Best of luck.

Mulch · 12/06/2017 13:54

I think your very brave to be so honest op, it's normal for men to have a weekend relationship but abhorrent for women. That being said your making a choice that will hopefully benefit you all. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. distance may make the heart grow fonder and you'll form your own special bond in time but please don't keep beating yourself up for not meeting other peoples and societies expectations

bumblebee61 · 12/06/2017 13:55

i feel very very sad for your son. Have you had any counselling? It sounds as though it would be helpful to try to get to the bottom of what the issue is - there must be one. It's much better for your son to be with his father, but really this is so very sad .

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/06/2017 13:58

Hey OP, you say you were diagnosed with PND and had all the help offered. How long ago was this and what treatment did you have? Have you had counselling?

BalloonDinosaur · 12/06/2017 13:58

OP, trust me you are not alone in feeling like this. And I would echo what PP have said about you seeking therapy, especially as you have already been diagnosed with PND. If the support you've received hasn't helped then you need to go back to your GP.

This is not your fault, and I think it's a hugely brave decision to have your DS live with his dad, even if it turns out not to be a permanent arrangement. Have some space, go back to your GP and tell them exactly how you're feeling and demand some further support.

I honestly don't think you're a bad mother, you obviously care about your DS and are trying to do what's best for both of you.

Look after yourself, good luck Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 12/06/2017 13:58

I'm sorry for what you say but to be honest you may not get to enjoy a relationship when he's an adult. He may not want to be bothered with you. You don't sound depressed, you sound cold Sad.