To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

[user1497263349]

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.

I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

For me your child's welfare comes first. If his Dad and his family can do a better job of looking after him then let them. I would also go so far as to say that I think you need to have as little to do with him after he goes as possible. I have 2 small boys and the thought of them being starved of affection leaves me feeling broken hearted. I hope your Ex has a great mum and sisters who will give him the motherly love he needs.

I don't think he will want to know you when he is older TBH because you will always be the person who left him. By the way, make sure you are paying your fair share of his upkeep via child support.

It sounds like the best answer is to let your ds live with his dad.

You are dead inside about your ds, but you enjoy life in many other ways and have loving relationships with others. I think there is potential to bond with your ds but only if you want to. I'm.not sure if you want to though, if you don't care about your relationship? It will take effort.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent but you don't know until you have children whether you are or not.

I can't believe the unkindness being shown to this woman. Shame on the ones doing it, I'm appalled by what I have been reading.

My friend's mum did the same thing (but had two kids). She wasn't maternal. Was made to have kids because it's the done thing.

Left them with their dad at 3 and 4 respectively. Saw them once a week.

She is a very cold person. Self absorbed and not maternal in the slightest. Is still awkward around her grandchildren. Should never have had kids in the first place.

Good luck with the transition, maybe further down the road you might consider more a 50/50 arrangement? I am not suggesting that you take a "Disney parent" approach but do try to make your contact with DS fun, he is only little still.

Your DS will encounter questions and feel different to his peers due to his home setup, not being bitchy my DM left so I know this to be true) however positive, regular access could give you a foundation to build on. My Dsis isn't close to my DM but I am.

Answers questions honestly, develop a positive mantra to protect your MH when asked about your living arrangements. A bit down the line but when it comes to it show an interest in school and try to attend events at school (My DM didn't and it stood out).

Cupoftea why are you calling the truth unkindness? what about the unkindness that the OP is showing to this 3 years who is defenceless, innocent and choiceless?.
It isn't unkindness to the OP. She's so cold and heartless herself so what makes you think that she deserves any kindness from any strangers when she's cold towards her own child.

what about the unkindness that the OP is showing to this 3 years who is defenceless, innocent and choiceless?.

She isn't though, is she. She's made a decision that is best for him. Continuing to live with a parent that doesn't feel she can effectively parent him is what would be unkind.

My step DCs have a useless deadbeat mother too. Now they're older, they see her for what she is and don't even want the weekly contact they used to have. Don't bank on having a relationship when your child is a teen or adult.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think they can just opt out of being a parent because it's difficult at times. Boo fucking hoo.

Abandoning your child may well be quite damaging for him, or he may accept that he had one crap parent and one good parent and hopefully cling onto the good in the situation.

You'd be better off getting help and sorting yourself out so that you can actually parent.

I think OP and PP, the tone of some of the people on here is not because you are struggling as a parent. It is not because you feel alone, and bored with the monotany, it is not because you have PND - it is because of the tone of what you have said.

I appreciate you might not want to drip feed and just get the facts down but you have to acknowledge, what you are suggesting, is against many peoples view of "what a mother is". To do it in such a cold way, and say you wish you had never had him , or that you cant stand being around him, is really only going to elicit a certain type of response.

FWIW - depression , anxiety PTSD arent things that you can have tried to get help with and it didnt work so you write getting better off.... I had GAD, OCD and PTSD for 25 years before I found the help that helped me. I had had it all before and nothing worked. Then something clicked in my head and the difference in 12 weeks has changed my life. These illnesses are a constantly evolving battle, and something that may always be inherent within you. If youve had treatment - be it AD, therary, CBT and it hasnt worked - try again.... and try again.... and try again after that. I still have to try every single day 3.5 years on from feeling much much better. I expect to keep on having to try every day as hard as I can, for the rest of my life.

You may struggle with the day to day reality of being a parent, but you cant just say I tried it and it didnt work! You have to keep on trying no matter what. Im sorry to sound harsh and Im sorry if you are depressed etc, but your son is already missing out on so much with not having that bond with a primary carer.

It was your choice to bring him into this world and so whether you love him / care for him / are bonded to him or not, you deeply owe him the chance of having a loving relationship with his mother. Try hard to resolve your issues, as your child and your whole family will suffer not just you.

I would say this to an errant or absent father as well....

Don't beat yourself up. Some people just don't feel it.
We are usually biologically programmed to feel great love for our children, but this doesn't always come to pass.
Your child should be with the parent that's best for their upbringing.
If that's his dad, great.

It's not your fault, you're not ill or anything. It is what it is.
Hopefully a bit of distance will makes things better for all of you.

You wrote a massively brave post - well done you. You're stronger than you know.

Jesus h. I can't believe some of the judgement in here. This is why women don't seek help.

Op, I think you are doing what a mother does which is considering the welfare of your child. Even if he is not resident with you, you are still a parent. I hope that this decision gives you space to work out how you can have a relationship with him. I think you sound depressed and that there might be unresolved things that are affecting your relationship. I also think caring without support is really hard.

I would say that it won't always be like this. Don't assume that you will always feel this way. There is a middle ground between being main/ sole carer and not having a relationship with your child. That's still being a mother, just in a different way to how we tend to view the role. I do encourage you to seek further help, perhaps when you feel safer you will be able to address some of those unresolved feelings which will help in building a new kind of relationship.

Yes, you shouldn't have had a child. And yes, I think that his being brought up by his Dad is the best option for him.

Please try to conceal as much as possible the fact that you find him boring. And I hope that you don't resent it when he finds another mother figure, as he hopefully will.

I really don't see why it's so unacceptable that a woman would not enjoy parenting?

I know plenty of awful mothers (not saying that's you OP because you do actually sound like you care) who hate parenting and have messed their children up. At least OP is brave enough to acknowledge this isn't being for her. Her son has a dad who will raise him. His dad - his parent. There isn't such uproar when the parent raising a child is the mum.

OP - what did you hope to get from this thread? Serious question.

OP I would try to find a psychologist or an experienced therapist rather than a counsellor. It does sound like you have some issues that could be helped (whether you decide to have your son back or not is separate to this)

Can we remind folks of Talk Guidelines here, please? If there's one thing we could all do with, it's some support - please bear this in mind when posting.

We hope things get better for you soon, OP

I have to agree - shame on every single one of you who cannot show the OP understanding and compassion.

I can't tell whether this is a case of depression and PTSD, or a woman who finds she is not cut out to be a mother. She sounds fairly down and I suspect her sibling's deaths have a lot to do with not bonding with her son - in case he is taken away too.

But either case deserves kindness and support, not kicking.

We take it for granted that some fathers just don't take to child-rearing. It's normal for separated fathers to see their children the amount that the OP plans to.

Get a grip, all of you.

Quite OnionKnight. I don't think that this can be emphasised enough. Ok, most people don't have the option of having an alternative home available for their child, but if the opportunity is there, then the OP is doing the right thing to take it. There seems to be no question that the child will be loved and happy - she's not abandoning him to the wolves!

There seems to be an overwhelming feeling on MN as a whole that mental health issues can be "fixed" and then everything will be fine. It isn't always like that. Not everyone wants to be fixed. Not everyone can be fixed. Sometimes, even after you are fixed, everything is still shit. People with mental health conditions already understand this. The armchair doctors on this thread obviously don't.

As an example, I'm waiting for counselling. I was urgently referred to the Community Mental Health Services and was seen within days (so they obviously agreed I needed help). I was diagnosed with a few conditions and counselling was recommended. Nine months later, I'm still waiting. Suggesting the OP gets some counselling is pissing into the wind. By the time she gets it, her son will be happily settled in his new home and the OP will hopefully be on the way to feeling better.

Xpost with MN - quite.

Also, there are plenty of single mothers raising children basically on their own, and there's nothing wrong with that. Why should it be wrong for a single father to bring up his child as the main carer (with your support and maintenance, of course)?

I think there's an enormous amount in bravery in admitting you just aren't cut out to be a parent, and in actually giving your child up to someone who is.

Of course ideally everyone would realise it beforehand, but it's not easy in this society. The message is always 'once they're here you'll love them and you'll never regret it'. Which is utter bullshit. Plenty of people don't ever feel that way, but it's the party line and just look at the wrath people get if they admit they aren't following it.

You're doing the right thing OP. Your son will be better off with his father, you'll be better off alone, and that's as close to a win as you're going to get in this situation.

In a way I can relate to what your saying as I feel similarly about my very difficult 4 year old. having him wasn't the best idea as I'm tied to his arsehold dad and I'm not the best mum. HOWEVER- I did have him so I can't just opt out and I would never only see him once a week because I love him and don't want him to have issues. Can't you have a 50/50 type arrangement with his dad?

Why will OP not have a relationship with her son when he's older. Plenty of kids have geat relationships with absent fathers, why is it different because OP is his mum. If the transition is handled sensitively and OP keeps up contact there is no reason why they can't go on to have a good future together. OP herself has said he is a happy well adjusted boy, she must be doing something right.

OP for what it's worth I think you are doing absolutey the right thing for you and your DS. I do hate the judging that goes on here, one size most certainly does not fit all and I thik the OP is very brave to actually adress the problem rather than let it build up until it's unresolvable. For the moment it is best your DS goes to live with his dad and then you can work on yourself. No one is walking in your shoes OP - no one has the right to judge you.

User I think you are doing the best thing for your son. I wish my 'mother' had of gave my siblings and I up we would of had an entirely different life. Your son deserves a loving childhood where he is comfortable and genuinely wanted in his home. Enjoy your contact with him, make it special, maybe you will form a bond that you will both enjoy