To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

[user1497263349]

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.

I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

I'm a single mum of two. I empathise with needing the peace. It does get lots easier once they get past three. He'll be more self sufficient in his play and have a longer concentration span for entertaining himself at this age. Could his dad perhaps have him a couple of nights per week and every other weekend or you share the weekend nights?

I think you will find the weeks tough where you work and then have the weekend with him and straight back to work with no time to yourself. I found regular short breaks from my two were the key to saving my sanity during those years. It gave me enough time to recharge.

I really hope you make the time to get some therapy and work through how you are feeling. There are clearly issues from your childhood that are affecting you - whether it's attachment or PTSD or long term depression having a child really amplifies the affect they have on a person.

Be kind to yourself, accept your limitations and enjoy the time you do spend with your DS - hopefully with the "down" time you will be getting weekdays the weekends will become enjoyable for you both.

Sorry that you had to read some horrible and ignorant posts from people who just don't "get" what life can be like for other people

I think you are incredibly honest. You're making a good decision for him.

Having him every weekend is in reality probably going to be much more hard work than having him in the week - presumably when you're at work and he's in nursery. Think carefully.

For me th hardest part of parenting is getting him to and from work. Having to have him in the evenings after work.

Having him at the weekend will be fine.

Some would find it harder but not me. I love my job so don't find it stressful. It's tiring to an extent but those 5 days are like a holiday to me.

I think you need to try again with therapy. It can take time to find the right person to talk to. Are you ready to talk to someone about your siblings?

Take care.

Thanks everyone.

I genuinely think if I lived with my family I'd be as happy as anything. I live for the days I'm back there. I d always felt bored in my hometown but never found happiness away from my family in the last ten years.

When I do have my son it is only me there. No partner to help. No friends to do anything with.

So I'm incredibly lonely. I live in a horrible area where I do not click with anyone. I don't want my son to grow up here.

I don't feel settled.

I should enjoy my sons company though. Before I had him I was even more lonely. I was desperate for a baby and he was a very longed for child.

I need to make a life for myself where I am. Stop missing my hometown and enjoy being a single mum who is alone.

Some of the responses to OP are disgusting. Shame on you MN'ers!!

I find my ds's hard work. Very. My mum parented me and my 2 older brothers so effortlessly, and I still have an extremely close relationship with my mum, that I was truely utterly shocked that I found and still find parenting so extremely hard, because she makes it look so easy. I was so very naieve, about how hard parenting actually is.

I can associate with a lot of what OP has written.

The double standards, re men who only gave their children EOW are terrible too.

I hope it all works out for you OP.

Some perspective from the other way round. My mum planned me and when I came she never bonded with me, my grandparents said she just never took to me or had a maternal instinct. She was bored of me too. There was talk of me being adopted by my grandparents or auntie a few times during childhood but my mum wouldn't do it in the end, she ended up not being a great mother to me at all especially in my teenage years and we've had a terrible relationship my entire life. I'd be lying if I said it hadn't affected me negatively and contributed towards mental health issues. So I personally think you are doing the right thing here. You recognise that your son needs something else and that you are not currently able to emotionally provide that. In fact it's the responsible thing to do really. I feel like if my mum had let someone take over for a bit, even if it was temporary then her problems wouldn't have got so bad. Have a break, get yourself better and be a better you for your son. Good luck

I remember your last thread so I'm glad that you've sorted some work you're enjoying.

When your ex takes your son, can you concentrate on moving out of the area? I know you said you plan to move closer but do you have something lined up?

Is your ex in a relationship? You're not wanting to get back together, are you?

You're young and you have a head on your shoulders. There's no reason for you to be alone.

You should join a hobby or a class or something when you're the NRP. Get yourself out there, meet people, enjoy your life.

Another slant on it OP, why is it you think you need to 'enjoy' everything about life, my kids in the toddler stage somedays i feel like gouging my own eyes out with the monotony and receptiveness of it, its not easy, maybe you need to examine why you feel you need to have enjoyment out of every experience .

Goodness me there are some HORRIBLE comments on this thread!

How dare people be so judgmental! And massively sexist.

I am appalled.

It is those who have made such horrible comments who need to look at themselves.

Iv have just received an interview invite for a job near my parents.

This would be great as I would be able to move back to my hometown and be surrounded by support and help. I wouldn't have to give up residence then.

If I don't get it I will know I at least tried to work near my parents so my son could stay with me and I will feel less guilty.

Ideally I would like to live nearer my parents.

I feel awful for my ex but he could move if he wanted to. He's no other commitments.

I'm going to go to this intervirw. Hope I get it and if not I will give residence to his dad.

Good luck with the interview OP

It's in my field and the same job as I do now. Just a different location.

Ok, that's great.

Would you live with your parents?

I would love with my parents.

It's the only way I would cope. They are both retired so able to help.

OP I wish you all the luck in the world with your interview. The more you post the more it is so apparent you are a great mum who loves her son, shame on anyone judging you.

When my marriage broke down it was just me and my DS and I had to move to an area I didn't like, live in a rented house I hated and I was so miserable. My DS was a lot older than yours at the time but it was still hard and hand on heart if his dad had offered at that time in his life to have him I cannot honestly say I wouldn't have let him go .

Small baby steps, you will be fine.

No judgement here either

But - I do think (from your posts obviously that's not the full story) that it may not be the right decision for you.

You need love and support and practical help.

Are you subconsciously distancing yourself from him in case he dies like your siblings? Did you receive proper grief counselling after those losses? Responsibility for another human life can be crushing after a loss.

I worry that your ex is gaslighting you about how it would be the best decision for DS, and you not being in a position to see it as the manipulation it is.

Shared custody is a great thing if both parents are respectful of each other and communicate effectively - would your Ex keep that up to facilitate your relationship with DS?

I don't know the answer for you, I've got a pain in my chest for you though as you seem to be a very, very good parent in a very, very bad place

No judgement from me either. It sounds like you are worn down by being the one to make all the responsible decisions.

I wonder at your change of heart in light of an interview. It doesn't sound like you don't want to be the resident parent, it sounds like you need help with it.

How far away are your parents now?

Sorry, not getting at you OP, but your posts are very much about you and very little about your son.

As I said earlier, I don't think you would be wrong to let your son live with his father. Just because it is traditional for children to live with their mothers is no reason for that to always be the case.

I've sought all sorts of medical help. None Have been helpful. The counselling helped a bit. That's it

Have you been diagnosed by a Doctor with PTSD? I know you have been diagnosed with PND in the past but have you visited a Doctor recently? Because I think you should and access therapy regarding your issues with death and people leaving you.