To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

[user1497263349]

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.

I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

Whilst I understand the posters who are saying that the negative comments are awful etc, I do think it's what many people are thinking, myself included.

Sounds like op has just given up on her ds. He's 3. She said she grew up "having everything" which baffles me as it's almost as if her son is just an inconvenience to her now.
She's done it, tried it ans doesn't want it.
What if ds's dad wasn't around?
This sounds like the easy option.

I too think you have posted here before, your writing style, bluntness and coldness towards your ds are familiar.

Being a parent is bloody hard work but it's not usually a role that you decide you're bored with and ask for a refund, it is an ever evolving role which absolutely does bring joy ( in many different forms ) and i wonder what damage you're going to cause this little boy by giving him up which is essentially what you're doing.

You say you're going to have him one night a week? Do you envisage things being different during that time? Will you miss anything about him?
I'm genuinely gobsmacked that a mother could behave like you, maybe he is better off with his dad after reflection, just don't be surprised if he doesn't want to know you when he's older- oh wait you've already said you don't care about that

Never have i written anything on MN like this but I make no apology of the fact that I think you're a disgrace. You're going to end up a lonely woman.

Some astounding sexism on this thread! Women are not the devil incarnate if motherhood doesn't suit them! Fwiw I think you're doing the right thing by your ds .

Why are you all lining up to put the boot in?

Telling OP "well in that case he's better off with his dad"? She knows that. That's why he's going to his dad!

You are dead inside you say. There is help out there for you. You have to find it if you want it but it will cost as what is available on the NHS isn't enough. You believe you are making rational decisions. I don't think so. I think you're making decisions through a very warped view of the world that you have right now.

Do I think you should let your ds live with his dad right now? Probably, you aren't coping. My mother didn't cope emotionally and I have a very strange relationship with her. She's also a narcissist so she'd never admit to her failings so congratulate yourself on wanting to put him first. I don't think you should be making decisions for your son for the next 15 years in your current state of mind. It doesn't have to be either he lives with his dad or with you and there will be time enough to make these decisions in the future.

Are you prepared to find the help you need?

Maybe it's not depression. Have you checked out the symptoms of being a sociopath OP?
I cannot believe that just because the OP is struggling to be a Mum that it is OK to say that she might be a sociopath.

Thanks for the replies.

My siblings all died young. I'd like to explore if this is relevant.

I don't like getting close to anyone as they might die too. I have some amazing friends and I'm a popular person who everyone seems to like.

I feel they don't know the real me though. If they did they'd not like me. On th surface I do seem to have it all really. People even tell me they're jealous of all I have!

I cannot see it.

I do think I need to explore the reasons for my relationship with my Son. I've had some counselling but nothing has helped much. I've got better but I'm nowhere near at the point I want to be.

I don't think I can't cope with my son. Amazingly I've done a good job so far and my Son is such a happy, well adjusted boy. So I'm actually a good Mum in some ways as I can play the part of a good Mum. But inside I don't feel it. It's all an act.

So, for the posters hell bent on criticising the OP, what do you suggest she does? What is the alternative? The child is not being dumped off at the local orphanage ffs. He's going to live with his other parent ffs! A parent he has a relationship with and sees regularly. That arrangement could be the catalyst for improving the OPs outlook drastically. Maybe she can't even begin to move forward while she's in the midst of the routine of parenting which is the very thing that's making her feel the way she does. I would rather know that somebody has taken practical steps to ensure the best for the child than battle through with substandard parenting just to save face which ultimately could be far more damaging for the child in question.

Op - i'm here to tell you well done. It takes guts in this sexist world for a woman to say that she doesn't have maternal instincts or a desire to be responsible for her child full-time.

And it's probably because of society's warped belief that children need to be with their mothers that you've been in this turmoil for three years. If people were perhaps a bit more supportive and less judgemental, I wonder if your son would have moved in with his dad full-time long ago.

I wonder how many posters on here have been in your situation - single mum, no steady income/job, living in a crappy area. It's horrible bringing up a child from birth in a shitty area. And even more horrible is knowing that you'll never earn enough to move to a better area while you have full-time caring responsibilities.

And some people just don't like children. I really can't stand babies. I have never felt broody. The thought of ever having to go back to the baby days with my dd fills me with dread. I know for a fact i will never have another child as i find it so hard bringing up my current dd alone. If my ex was in any way involved in our lives, I sometimes wonder if i would have made the brave choice that you're making now.

You are doing the right thing for you and your son. But because you have a vagina, people will make you feel bad about this choice. And will attempt to guilt you into changing your mind.

I honestly think that putting some distance between you and your son will facilitate a better relationship. But please don't think too far ahead to his adult life just yet. It's perfectly possible that you can make that bond happen well before then. Just keep at your weekly contact and make sure your son knows he can ask Dad to phone you any time he wants to talk.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are putting your son's needs before your own. Therefore, you're a great mother.

OP - I think you have made the right decision for your son, and I wish you all the best.

I think you sound as though you need some help/support even when your son is no longer living with you, and I hope you manage to find it.

I'm a wonderful aunt. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. I actually look forward to it!

I like other peoples children.

It's just my son I'm like this with because he's my responsibility.

I think a bad mother would probably keep him but resent him and make his life hard rather than doing what is best for him by accepting they might not be the best carer.

What you are describing is also not uncommon with fertility treatment either. The idea of having a child and reaching that goal becomes very all consuming and you think that if you can just achieve that life will be perfect. In reality just like people who conceive naturally many people who have assisted conception will find babies and small children boring and hard work. But the guilt after FT can often be just that bit more overwhelming and that disappointment just that bit sharper because you have built parenthood up just a bit more.

Thanks everyone.

I don't want to give my son to his dad in an ideal world. If I could afford a nanny I would. But I can't. I would like to move where I have more support. I can't.

I can't get better while looking after my son.

I feel inorder to get better I need to give some of that responsibility back and work on my mental health and the bond I have with my son.

Op - please don't let people on here make you question your mental health. You've said yourself you're sure it's not depression. Don't doubt this unless you, or people who personally know you, suspect this.

I find it ridiculous that people can't accept that it's possible to be completely mentally healthy and just not want to be a resident parent.

So are all the dads out there who fuck off out their kids' lives completely, or see their kids maybe a few times a month, depressed? Sociopaths? Abnormal?

No - they're men! Therefore, it's okay to not want to be around your child 24/7.

I'm just wondering, when you separated from your ex, why the decision was that you have your so for 6 nights, and your ex only 1?

Yes I have known people who parent poorly but won't let their children see their dads. At least I'm not like that.

At the moment my ex sees his one night as he works a fair distance and shifts.

He is willing to give that up to be his sons main carer.

He has an offer of employment nearer his home.

We live around 8 miles away from each other. We could have a half and half arrangement but I don't think that will do anything to help me.

I wholeheartedly agree with your entire post Zoflora and am entitled to say so.

I don't agree with zoflora

I don't think I'm an amazing mother and I think I would have been better not being a Mum. But I don't think I'm an awful Mother as I want what's best for my Son and I'm going to be having regular contact. I'm not the best Mum as I don't enjoy his company and don't have a bond. But I'm not an awful Mum.

I'm not selling him to paedophiles!

You need a break and some space and I think it'll do you good. Are your parents genuinely concerned about you and your son? Do they make you feel you're a useless mum or you choosing to interpret it like that? How is your relationship with your son's father?

The change in arrangements will help you gain some distance and perspective and give you space and time to unravel what's been going on. Have you told your son yet? Can you frame it in a way that he understands you need some time to recuperate, or perhaps that you're going to be busy with work so Daddy's going to take over for a while?

How is your work situation? Do you have a job you enjoy? How are your earnings/potential earnings?

I think some of your very harsh words about your son, and your relationship with him may be a defense mechanism. Let yourself love him even while you admit you can't cope. We all struggle, even if not the the extent you do. It can be draining, exhausting, boring, frustrating - even in the best of circumstances. It's ok to love him and not be able to handle the role of being a mum, whether temporarily or long term.

Get some distance and use the time to take care of yourself; and talk to someone who can help you. If you feel your parents don't understand the nature of PND / PTSD, don't discuss your struggles too much with them. But do ask for help elsewhere.

You're not a bad mum, you're struggling. Your son undoubtedly loves you. Stay in his life however you can when you feel able - apart from the weekends, maybe write him notes/letters, collect things to show him etc.

Good luck to the three of you

God I hope some of you never fall on hard times or find yourself in the position where coping with something is difficult. The arrogance here is astounding

Scrumple. Op has talked about fear of her child dying and being unable to get close to him. Due to the death of her siblings. And you tell her not to let posters question her mental health. I'm not an expert but this sounds like a classic case of PTSD to me. She absolutely is not in a state of mind to make long term decisions.

Massive cross-post! Ok, you have some serious issues - responsibility (something I can relate to myself, triggered lots of anxiety with me regarding my own children), and the deaths of your siblings. No wonder you're struggling. No wonder you need a break. Get yourself the best therapist you can find!

"So are all the dads out there who fuck off out their kids' lives completely, or see their kids maybe a few times a month, depressed? Sociopaths? Abnormal?"

The former- absolutely yes.

The latter is entirely dependent on whether they have quality time with their children when they are with them. Having shared care with another parent is incredibly normal in this day and age, and I'd guess that about 99% of us who have children who spend time away with our exes enjoy the peace and quiet when they're gone.

"Op - please don't let people on here make you question your mental health"

I completely and utterly disagree with this. Read the OP's posts. She sounds desperately unhappy, and it's in her own interests to get to the bottom of whatever the issue is so she can enjoy spending time with her son when she does have contact with him.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you OP, best wishes x