To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

[user1497263349]

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.


I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.


I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

[Malermalergoni]

God this thread has some really shitty responses. If a woman with a severe physical disability decided it was in the best interests of the child for him to go and live with daddy, there'd be loads of supportive comments "he'll be fine" type stuff.
This is the best decision for the child regardless of if the op is depressed or not. Are the horrified posters on this thread perfect or immune to mental health problems or just living in a bloody naïve bubble?

[ForFSake]

I'm absolutely disgusted with some of the replies on this thread. Utterly sanctimonious and just vile.

OP, you have my full sympathies and support. Children are boring to some people, that's just life. Children shock horror can even be boring to their parents
I can also totally understand the suffocating responsibility of being a lone parent.

You are doing what is right for your son. I actually think your relationship with him will improve if you get some breathing space between you. Try and enjoy the time you do spend with him as much as possible, before you know it, he'll be starting school and growing up and will (hopefully) be easier to relate to and spend time with.

[Malermalergoni]

What is a bond anyway? It's not really some intangible mysterious glitter shower that falls on a woman when she gives birth.
Sometimes it just builds over time.
If a person makes the tea and cleans the clothes and spoons the calpol is that the bond? Or is it those picture frames with cute phrases on? What is the bond? Just for definition purposes for this thread....

[Nodowntime]

I found the first post a bit shocking in terms of attitude, but I'd certainly don't find the situation shocking, it was all described before (Kramer vs Kramer, for instance).

I actually know an elderly woman who gave up her four! kids after she left their dad to live with her young lover for a couple of years, then took her two youngest to live with her, she only saw the oldest ones every other week-end, now they are all in their 40s and 50s and seem to look after their mother without begrudging it or reminding her of the past. So the relationship can still be built on similar foundations to what lots of dads have.

The OP has started with saying she had no mental health issues and continued to say she had had PND, then PTSD and other possible issues and that she thinks her child would be better off with her after all if she was happy and healthy, so she did come to realise she is unhealthy. To be honest even in the best circumstances most people would tell you that parenthood is the most difficult thing they have done, most relationships break down when a couple has a child under two years old, it's so non-stop and draining and sucking your own identity out of you even though it feels immensely rewarding to most healthy people as well. You might have a break and find yourself again and get there and form a relationship with your son.

The only thing I don't understand is how you actively sought to become a mother, had fertility treatment, so presumably as part of a couple and possibly paid for treatment and were preparing to bring a child into a stable home and then managed to give birth in a situation of no support, no money, alone and no job. Obviously something quite drastic must have happened during pregnancy for the situation to change so much, surely it would have had a big impact?

[Blossomandsixx]

I think you are very brave, and a bloody good mother to recognise that you aren't able to give your son what he needs, and I hope that the transition to his dad's goes smoothly

[zeezeek]

A bond imo is where you are totally in love with your child even when you're at your wits end with them, you love being with them and watching them grow, love nurturing them, are fascinated by everything they do. Would do anything for them before

I don't feel like that about mine. I know I love them, but I certainly don't like spending time with them and they rarely fascinate me.

Children are dull, relentless and boring - but it's like it is forbidden to admit it. Maybe if we did then there would be a lot more happier mothers.

[pinkdelight]

It's really hard when they're little and especially when you're on your own. If me and DH had split up, I've no doubt he'd have been the primary carer as he was just, as you say, cut out for it. I love them to bits and cared for them well, but if I hadn't had a partner there to take the pressure off no doubt I'd have been in pieces too. I think you're wise to rework the arrangements and I think things will change as your DC gets older and becomes better company. It makes such a difference when they can communicate and take some responsibility for themselves. There are of course people who are great with little kids who see them as proper people and can communicate well from day one, but not everyone has that skill just because they become a parent. We are who we are. Good luck with the new set-up. I hope you're all much happier.

[mogulfield]

My friend did this with her 4 year old, he then went back to her at 9. No effect on their relationship and he now has a lovely bond with his dad.
When a man does it no one bats an eyelid.
I hope it works out for you Op.

[Nancy91]

I haven't read the entire thread OP, but I don't think there is anything wrong with not enjoying being a mum. It is better for your child if he lives with his dad as he will otherwise pick up on your negative thoughts about him.

I'm really concerned about how any woman who doesn't like parenthood is automatically diagnosed with depression. It just isn't true. There are many people who just aren't cut out to be parents, and it's not really possible to know the reality of parenthood until you've already had the child.

I hope things improve for you and your son after the move

[Malermalergoni]

Yes i agree. My heart aches for the women whose parenting experience is marred by the constant feeling of inadequacy that they don't find their children utterly fascinating and fulfilling. This isn't the default setting of a female. Some women find newborns boring, noisy, stressful. They may be amazing mothers to teenagers. Some hate being around small children, but make excellent providers. And so on and so on. I'm sure this bonding bollocks was made up by a male scientist and probably one who had kids all over the place.

[PookieDo]

I have a lot of times where I don't like being a mother. I also find it really really hard. And I think we have a bond, it's just stretched to beyond and I am not always an emotionally well resourced person. The reality of parenthood is very hard.
I feel sympathy for you and hope things improve.
I also know how totally shit it is to be a single parent x

[Littlereddevil3]

Honestly then, assuming he is a good dad, you are making the right decision for your son. Children are not exciting and interesting 24/7 no, but they deserve to be with somebody who loves them and wants to be with them.
I hope that when you have some breathing space you will be able to see his good qualities and begin to build some sort of positive relationship. Would counselling help?

[PerspicaciaTick]

I think you are being rather brave to make this decision in the face of disapproval from friends and family. Your DS will become increasingly aware that your relationship is lacking something and that you don't enjoy spending time with him - much better for him to be with his dad and to see you when you are (hopefully) better able to cope. And you must be aware that it is a risky decision in which your relationship may be damaged if he stays and damaged if he goes.

However, I think you need to seek professional help while your ex is caring for your son so that you can understand more about why you haven't been able to bond and to look for tools that may help you establish a bond in future - it isn't too late. I don't know if you re depressed, but there is something going on which is upsetting you and having an impact on your son and you need to get to the bottom of it.

Yes, there are deadbeat dads who fail to nourish and support their children mentally and emotionally. They get away with it because the other adults around them step into that role and try and minimise the impact on the children. But I don't think it is a choice which any should aspire to as an alternative to working hard to build a bond.

[bumblebee61]

Why did you have a child if you didn't want the responsibility? I don't understand. If you're not cut out to have a child why did you do so, or did you realise afterwards you can't hack it? I understand being a single parent is very hard. However when you bring a child into the world you put your child first all the time, boring or not. You sound very selfish. I'm sorry. Thank God his father cares about him.

[user1492115574]

This lady isn't deadbeat. She's depressed and doing the best for her child. Have you looked into medication? Sometimes your not in the right place to take on therapy and it's meaningless because your so depressed. An anti depressant may help get you to a better place where your ready to work on changing the way you think and work through your feelings. Good luck. X

[MatildaTheCat]

OP,you are in a horrible position and this does seem the best solution for you all for now. You can flex things around a little as your ds settles and you start to settle into the new routine.

Although you've had lots of psychological input do consider continuing to peruse that area. I really believe you will need to work to achieve that bond, it won't just appear overnight at some given age. Have a look at attatchment styles and Theraplay and see if you can understand yourself a little and what is holding you back.

Your love is in every post and your original post is very hard on yourself. You have the option of easing your distress so take it but please don't give up on yourself or your chance of happiness with your ds. Everyone finds looking after DC a slog for much of the time but the times when it's special are what makes it worthwhile and you can have that, too.

Good luck with finding a better place.

[PerspicaciaTick]

bumblebee61 - how do you find out you aren't cut out to be a parent until after you become a parent?

[ElleMcElle]

Can people stop telling the OP that she shouldn't feel what she's feeling, please? These are her feelings! I doubt she WANTS to feel zero bond with her son - I imagine that's a really distressing reality for her.

OP - I think you've acknowledged above that you need help. It might not be easy to get, as services are so stretched - but I hope you can put all of your energy into fighting to get the talking therapy and / or meds that you need. From what you've said, it does sound like something deeper is going on. Please don't give up on yourself, or on your relationship with him - you will both continue to change so much, and there might come a time when you feel your own kind of 'bond'.

If you and your DS's father have jointly decided that it's better for your son to be with him, then I don't think it's for anyone here to judge you for that.

Good luck. xx

[NoFucksImAQueen]

It's funny because my ex is hailed as an amazing dad for having our son every weekend. He receives so much praise.

If I did it I'm a bad mum.

It's amazing the difference in attitude

Absolutely. Me and dh separated when ds1 was 18months and we shared custody of Ds 1 week each (due to distance)
He was a fucking superhero and people looked at me with disgust.
I even posted on here at the time and had lots of people (90% of posters) saying they wouldn't let THEIR child go half the time.
Never mind that none of them were able to impregnate themselves

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Please ask to be sterilised so you never find yourself in this situation again.

Feel better now do you? After that little outburst of cuntyness towards the op?
She's hardly revelling in feeling this way ffs

[LardLizard]

I think a 59/50 childcare split would be a better starting point
A bit of space might just do the trick

Good luck op

I know a couple of friends who do 50/50 with expartners and one of them loves it as she gets child free weekends away n mini break etc

[taky90]

All the best hun. I grew up with my grandparents as my parents** split soon as I was born. My mum always came to visit.moved in with her later unfortunately she passed away.then moved in with my dad. I don't hate her at all never resented her was so happy at my grandparents' had a beautiful childhood

[Anditstartsagain]

My sister gave up her daughter to me I can not understand how she could but I do understand why. Dniece was having a shitty life with someone who couldn't be arsed with her dsis was havinga shit life with someone she couldn't be arsed with it was lose lose. Now dn is looked after by someone who wants her and when she sees her mum they get on well though it didn't improve much until she was 9. Be warned dniece is 10 and has already sussed what happened and holds resentment for not being wanted she also has some abandonment issues which can spill over into friendships she tends to let people walk all over her to keep them.

Your doing the right thing but their will still be consequences up the line.

[Redken24]

I think you need therapy. You had fertility treatment to have a kid and you can't bond with him. I don't think your PND has gone anyways.