To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

[user1497263349]

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.

I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

What a tough situation op. I wish you the very best and think you're doing the right thing by your son and yourself. It's not a perfect scenario but it appears to be the best one under the circumstances.
I'm baffled by why so many people are been vile to you. Surely it's in every child's best interest, where the parents aren't together, to live with the parent who can do the best parenting while continuing to have k relationship with the other parent?

Absolutely let his dad take the lead - this little lad needs to b the centre of someone's life before you fuck him up

This

You don't care if you don't have a relationship with him yet it doesn't mean you don't love him??

OP, you have my sympathy, empathy and I do understand where you are coming from.

I experienced something similar to you, and lived away from my DD for 18 months, though saw here regularly, because I couldn't cope with being a parent. I recommend the book, 'A Mother Apart' by Sarah Hart. I found it useful.

You may well find, like me, that it gets easier as your child gets older, (mine lives with me again). But you may also find that some kind of therapy and/or medication may help you too, as it sounds as if you are very unhappy.

I also desperately wanted to be a mum. More than anything else. I had two pregnancy losses, and then years of being unable to conceive. Then had my daughter. I should have been so happy, or that was what I expected to happen! But I was not. I'm probably one of those people who shouldn't have had children, but I didn't know that until I'd had one. The guilt I felt was all consuming. It is still present.

I don't want this to be about me, but want you to know that you are NOT alone. At all. PM me if you would like to.
Good luck and best wishes for your future.

But

It sounds like it is the absolute crushing mental physical and emotional responsibility of motherhood that is the issue here.
That and the terror of losing someone you love. So if you don't get too close to someone, losing them is not too scary.

Both of those are difficult to manage but I am sure a very very good therapist could help. And possibly medication.
Either way having a break for a while could be of benefit provided you get some help while you are away from your son.

No judgement from me, I can understand where you're coming from, and I think some of the replies you've had are horrible. You're clearly not a nasty person and you're putting your son's needs first.
Your plan sounds like it could work, but I do think you should bear in mind that some sort of therapy could help you, and could help you to form a better relationship with your son.

No judgement here either.

Your son sounds lovely belying but to describe yourself as "dead inside" is so sad.
Please talk to your GP. In the meantime, maybe it would be good for your son to be with his dad and for you to keep regular contact.

Good luck

Those of you having a go at OP, does it make you feel good to kick someone when they're down? It looks an awful lot like bullying to me. Fucks sake, she's trying.

It's hard to have a lot of sympathy though when op was asked what would happen if her son didn't want to see her as an adult and she basically said she didn't care!

I disagree with the poster who said the love shines out of every post, are we reading the same thread? I think the earlier posts come across as quite cold and matter of fact.

Yes I was one of the posters who disagreed with the whole " don't worry op you're doing the right thing, these posters don't know what it's like being a single parent blah blah "

Yes I do actually, I was on my own with fuck all with my ds and left an emotionally abusive relationship( and a good lifestyle ) to start again with a baby.

I've got a disability and ds has autism, it was sooo hard, relentless etc but at no point did I ever want to give him away.
I had no help either. He is my son. I am responsible for him. He was and is my entire world so I wasn't posting my opinion to be a gf, I just feel like op is taking the easy option and her little ds is going to suffer for it at some point, maybe not now but as an adult or when he has his own children.
It's ok to say that op is being brave etc but really, is she?

Thanks everyone.

I change my mind constantly. I'm worried I'd be so lonely without my son living with me. I do feel I will be giving him up.

I'm worried about how it will stop me ever moving nearer family. Leaving me isolated. But I cannot stay a working mum.

Part time work would be amazing. I cannot find a part time position. Also, I think I need a break for now.

My ex has always wanted to have his son living with him. He's definitely taking advantage of my mental state but the reality is I need to have my son at weekends and not the week.

I'd hate my son to not want a relationship with me. But I'm used to anyone I love dying or moving away anyway. So I'm hard to these things now.

It sounds as if you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Many children cope with One night a week and it's churlish to think that a dad can't be a resident parent. From reading another thread it's what he wants and is going part time.

I think you are being very brave and making the right decision for you and your son. He is going to live with his dad who wants him there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps start with one night a week and move to adding every other weekend

I'm going to have him three nights a week. Or at least Saturday and Sunday night

Op I suspect the death of your siblings is very much to do with the root of the problem here cabs I think you know that there is a problem rather than you just finding pre schoolers boring.

I with suspect subconsciously you have been terrified of bonding with your son for fear you would loose him as you did your siblings. I which really edgy to consider getting some proper therapy here, not just counselling. If particular I would suggest you look at psychodynamic therapy.

Op- hi, I have MH problems too and totally get what you say about people taking advantage of you, please don't allow it, it's not fair.

I have been really harsh on you and for that I apologise, it's just very hard for me to understand, granted, I'm not in your head and don't know the full story.

Maybe some people ( men and women ) just aren't natural parents whatever that's supposed to mean. Is this more about the fact that you cannot cope with ft work and looking after ds? Or is it the whole thing? If you get me?

All I would say is think long and hard, you are lucky that ds has a good dad who is willing to make changes to his life to accommodate his son, my ds's dad is completely selfish.

I genuinely wish you the best. Don't make any hasty decisions. There is no time limit here.
Ps it's really not in my nature to be nasty at all so I hope you understand that this is a really emotional topic and therefore will attract quite a lot of criticism.

Normally I wouldn't recommend a type of therapy but if your belief of being left is troubling you and you want help, I would look at schema therapy (and the abandonment schema - I have it too OP!)

Can we please be gentle with OP. No ones knows unless you have walked a mile in her shoes....

User,

Why do you find being a working mum so difficult? I would have thought being a working mum should be in some ways in your favour, since it's looking after your DS is what you find the most challenging, how would you cope with spending long days at home with him? How old was he when you started working full-time and how did you manage before that?

I hated being a stay at home mum. I was fine once I stayed with family but back where my house is I was miserable. This was more loneliness than anything else.

Once I started working my mood improved slightly. I had company and a break. I found it hard getting him to and from childcare.

I have a rewarding but responsible job and so coming home to a child has been really tough.

Once he's old enough to get dress,get to and from school that would help massively. But that's not to a while. He wakes up early and sometimes comes in my bed.

I'm really tired.

I do love my job. I have some good friends.

I really do think it's being a single mum that is brining me down. I have male friends who see their children every other weekend and say the weekend is 'all go' and they're glad to get their quiet house back.

I think this is who I am. I'm an introvert. I like being around people but in small doses and love coming home to silence. A child is with you 24/7.

Deep down for whatever reason. I want Monday-Friday without my son. I will be working full time and in a busy job. Friday-Sunday I can relax and give him my full attention.

We will have quality time together.

I just hope it does work out the way I envisage

It sounds like you are doing the right thing for both of you, by switching to being the weekend parent rather than the all-week parent.

There shouldn't be any judgement on you doing this. Lots and lots of children have one parent they live with and one they only visit. Why is there a "rule" that it must be the mother?

I think you should look into getting some counselling, but you should do this as well as having your son go live with his dad, not instead of.

I do too op but be prepared for ds's dad to make that decision as he will be the primary carer, if he works too during the week then I'm assuming he will want to spend some time with ds at weekends too, depends how reasonable he is.

I'm sure there is a way to make it work, have you discussed the situation as a long term solution or more as a temporary thing to help you out whilst you need it?

That may decide how ex goes about sharing custody and once ds is at school he will need to be in a good routine.

If you envisage wanting ds back with you at some point then it may be useful to seek the services of a solicitor and get something drawn up for you both to sign, this is possible, my friend has done it and its peace of mind as her ex threatened to move countries with dc and this was written into the agreement that it could not happen.

When I was pregnant I told everyone that I would give my child away to someone who was good with children if I felt I wasn't a good mother. Fortunately I turned out to be an OK mother and enjoyed it, but I don't really have any problem with your decision, OP, as long as you are happy with it and you know that your child will be well looked after and loved.