To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

[user1497263349]

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.

I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

Those bashing the OP probably demonstrate, and subsequently pass onto, a lack of compassion to their own children. At least the OP recognises she is not cut out to be a mother, unlike those who probably think they are good mothers, but their lack of compassion and tolerance towards others which is clearly on display in their anonymous postings, suggests otherwise. The children of these parents are the ones I feel truly sorry for if this is the role model they have.

I know I'm repeating PPs. But so many men all over the world leave their children permanently and never see them again, or have little to no contact with them. In some parts of the world it's pretty much cultural for them to do so. But when a woman suggests something that in reality falls far short of that, she's a selfish monster.

Jeez, this is quite possibly the most depressing thing I have ever read. Absolutely heartbreaking

Well said Legma

I think a lot of parents feel like they aren't cut out for it, at some point. I find my older dd 5 incredibly hard work. She has possible asd and repeats herself a lot and other habits I find very annoying tbh. She drains my energy she is so demanding. My dh feels the same. But I work very hard to be patient and kind with her because I love her dearly and she's my daughter. Our relationship is so important to me. It's a massive responsibility being a parent. You can develop a bond with your ds if you want to.

Hi OP, I believe that most women who actively decide not to have children do it for the same reasons you give - unwanted noise, mess, disruption to work and social life plus the boredom of being alone a lot - not just alone - but spending your free time with someone who can't speak.
It sounds like you are a woman who would have preferred to not have children. I'm not sure what the answer is, but wish you the best of luck.

Ya know what, I'm glad you made the right decision. Because I think that is best for and for your son.

We're not all cut out to be parents, and we don't even know it till we have one of our own.

Don't be ashamed, you've accepted that you're not going to be the best provider for your son and you've made arrangements so that he will get the best care.
I do hope that you continue to try and establish a relationship with your son and best of luck for the future.

I don't like getting close to anyone as they might die too

This to me is very telling and Im wondering if it includes your DS? So youre able to go through all the practical things about looking after and raising a young child but unconsciously you havent let yourself bond with him, so if you lose him then it wont hurt.

OP you say youve had "counselling" but that could mean anything, it sounds like its therapy you need to address your emotional issues. This does not necessarily mean you are depressed or suffering from PTSD like people are suggesting (as it happens it doesnt sound like PTSD to me).

But the OP is not seeking help from MN?

She's made her decision and is just telling MN about it. She isn't asking for any help? Or am I missing something?

Thanks everyone. I don't actually think he's better off with his dad. He'd be best of with me as a happy, healthy mum.

But I'm not a healthy happy mum.

So the best of those options is for him to be with his Dad.

In an ideal world my parents could move nearer but they can't.

My ex is a good Dad.

I've every intention of being a part of my sons life. I'm hoping to move to th local area his Dad currently lives. I'm going to be playing a proper part of his life.

I think with me it's being a Mum to a child I can't do. Once he's older I genuinely think I will be great. It's the endless responsibility I can't do.

And I'm far from a selfish person. I'm working full time now to give my son the best I can. I live in an area I hate to be near his dad so they can have a relationship. Everything I do is for my son.

You seemed to have changed throughout this thread. I don't think it's a bad thing to recognize that you need time to work on your mental health. Kids are demanding and being a mother is really difficult at times.
I think it's great your ex is changing his life round so he can take your son for the majority of the time. It's a shame you couldn't have had a more even split up until this point as you might have found things easier to cope with.
Good luck to you all especially your son.

I also think some of the posters really don't understand how hard it is being single parent with residency. It is relentless amd yes some people think we all have fun is with the other parent for the weekend. In reality we miss our children then amd we don't have the finances to party all weekend.

Some of the comments on here are smug. Parenthood is easy when there are two adults living in the same house each pulling their weight.

You are not an awful person or a sociopath as some empathy lacking judgmental idiots have suggested. You have tried for 3 years and come to the brave decision allow your sons father to be his primary caregiver. This is for the best interest of your son which shows you have put his needs first regardless of the backlash you may get from other people. Maybe you are not depressed, but I think after some breathing space and reflection you may view the past three years and how you felt very differently to how you do currently. It took me a very long time to get some perspective on my PND and see it for what it really was. I wish you and your son all the luck in the world and hope you find happier times together in the future

LagunaBubbles - Op says she thinks she has PTSD and no longer suffering from PND.

The people bashing the OP on here are seriously out of order. Is part of parenting not doing what's best for our kids? Surely OP would be selfish to keep her son with her full time, knowing it's not right for either of them?

OP I think it takes courage to admit that he's better with his dad. Ignore the people attacking you, and I hope that having contact with him rather than full time responsibility means you can enjoy your boy while knowing he's in a place where he's happy.

I feel sorry for the OP. She can't help the way she feels. I think women have been indoctrinated into thinking that not being interested in child rearing or finding it very stressful makes you some sort of aberration or ill. That standard is never applied to men.

As I said in my previous comment , it's not that she is struggling or trying to do whats right that sons PP have had issue with was the cold and hostile tone in her OP towards her own son ... people have reacted to " I can't stand him" " I hate being with him" "everything about him is boring" .... I think that that is what got people's backs ups , rather than s lack of empathy .... tbh no matter how hard you are struggling they are pretty awful things to say about come someone you love . Had the tone of the OP been different I suspect the response would have been very different too

Hating being with your child and finding them boring doesn't mean you don't love them.

I have never doubted my love for my child. Now he's here I wouldn't go back. But in hindsight I accept I don't enjoy being responsible for another human being. I don't enjoy being the sole carer of a child and I probably shouldn't have had a child.

LagunaBubbles - Op says she thinks she has PTSD and no longer suffering from PND

Yes I know, but since she hasnt saught further medical help its impossible to say what she has or hasnt got.

I don't enjoy the responsibility. I find it suffocating. There's probably several reasons for that.

I hope I will be happier once he's with his dad and with me at the weekend. I'm sure I will.

I have tried. It's taken me over three years to make this arrangement. I hate being a working mum and I'm hoping I will enjoy my time with him more now.

He's going to be with me for my annual leave so overall it will be a very even split. More like shared custody.

I've sought all sorts of medical help. None Have been helpful. The counselling helped a bit. That's it.

I suspect that the responses wouldn't have been different, there are posters on every thread who just love to kick someone when they're down.

I actually think you've made a very selfless decision. You are basically steering your child towards an upbringing with someone who will enjoy spending time with him and will enjoy the happiness a child can bring.

You are doing this so your child can have a happy childhood. I wish my mother could have been so selfless.

I'm a bit confused about the schedules, both current and proposed. Does your ex have your son every weekend or one night a week? And once your ex assumes primary residence, will you have your son just one night a week or for the full weekend?

In an ideal world, every child would have daily meaningful contact with both parents. In reality, many families can't provide that. Not just when parents are divorced, of course. The model of the SAHM whose husband has a high-flying career and is out of the house 60+ hours a week is fairly common. I don't think any of these setups are ideal for children, but they happen all the time. Most children are resilient and flexible.

In your situation I think it's reasonable to decide that your ex is better at caring for your child on a daily basis. What really concerns me about your posts is your claim that you have no bond with your son. That is frankly alarming and could cause him tremendous difficulty in the future. I would say that developing a bond with your child is of paramount importance regardless of whom he lives with. And it clearly is not something that you can do on your own or you would have already. Some professional help is needed now IMO.