To think I'm not depressed. I'm just not cut out to be a Mum

[user1497263349]

I've tried really hard to be a Mum. 3 years now. But despit white a bit of support (goes to his dads every weekend, holidays are spent with my parents). I have no bond with my Son.

I work and am not depressed. I'm so happy with my family and friends. I love my job. The only think I can't stand is being around my son.

He gives me a headache. I wish I'd never had him. Being a Mum has made my life worse. I was much much happier before h was here.

After years of struggling to make this decision. He's going to be living with his Dad from next month and I will see him one night every week.

Everyone who knows is horrified and thinks I'm the devil. I never ever expected to be a rubbish Mum.


I think it's a combination of factors (no stead job,live in a rough area,live alone).

I wasn't in a position to be a full time parent. I look back at his baby pictures and feel sadness at how awful a time it was. My mum said I should give my son to his dad as I struggle too much and she's right.

I am not depressed. I'm just a deadbeat mum. I'm never ever going to have another child. Should never have had one.

I do love my Son. I just have no desire to look after him day to day.

AIBU to think I'm just not cut out to be a Mum? I don't think I'm depressed. I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring.


I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.

[Motherbear26]

You obviously do care as you say you love your child and you have taken the very courageous step of allowing his father be the primary carer. You want your child to be happy and well taken care of, and you understand that you are not in a position to do that at the minute. You are being extremely brave putting your child first, even knowing the negative reaction you will receive from others.

I really do think you should go and tell your GP how you are feeling. You may have PND, or it could be that you are just overwhelmed by everything. It may even be exactly as you say and you are just not cut out to be a full time mum. But I think you owe it to yourself to be sure. Good luck.

[user1497263349]

Thanks everyone.

I'd be swapping with my ex. He'd have him in the week and I'd have him at the weekend.

I'd be taking a risk. He could move away. Make it hard for me to see him etc but it's a risk I have to take. And he's a decent guy so I trust him not to do that.

I think my PND has gone now. I think now it's PTSD or a lack of bond rather than depression. I'm stressed and overwhelmed when I shouldn't be really. I don't even have it that hard.

I've only one child, a professional career, some support. My life isn't even that hard.

[Tryingtoconceive2years]

OP I just want to give you a big hug, no one can tell you the right decision to make but I feel you need to go back to the doctors regarding your PND if nothing so far is helping.

[lifetothefull]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. But I would also urge you to try and act to your son as if you love him, like him, look forward to seeing him, value him, delight in him etc. Love is a choice not an emotion. Love looks like something. Show love even if you don't feel it. This should be easier to do for one night a week rather than day in day out.

[user1497263349]

It's funny because my ex is hailed as an amazing dad for having our son every weekend. He receives so much praise.

If I did it I'm a bad mum.

It's amazing the difference in attitude.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Please speak to your GP or HV. It does like you might be depressed or something else. Having you DS go and live mainly with his Dad is fine if that is what you want but you need to make the most of your time together.

[LotusBomb]

How lovely for the perfect Mothers on this thread to look down on this that struggle with absolute contempt. How you could read this and not see that this is a woman in pain is beyond me.
Motherhood is hard. Being the main carer of a child is hard. We don't have enough open, honest and frank conversations about it at all which is why so many women struggle and suffer in silence day in day out. We don't have those conversations because the moment a woman says she doesn't feel cut out for motherhood, she's branded some kind of she devil.
OP, I feel for you. It's obvious this wasn't an easy decision to make and hopefully the change in living arrangements will give you some new clarity and perspective on parenting going forward. You are not alone. I struggle every day with my 5 year old and sometimes it feels like you just want to run away and never look back. You just have to trust the decision you're making and work together to do the best for your son.
Good luck

[LottieG100]

What does your son think about going to live with his dad?

[user1497263349]

I wish he was old enough to tell me where he wants to live.

He adores his Dad and his Dad's extended family.

I have no doubts my son would be happy living with his Dad Monday-Friday.

[millsbynight]

You've made the absolute right choice in letting your son live with his dad. The relationship you describe with your son will lead to a lifetime of mental health problems for him (and quite possibly you too).

Please ask to be sterilised so you never find yourself in this situation again.

[MaximaDeWit]

Don't have any advice to offer that hasn't already been put forward by someone else, just wanted to wish you, your little boy and his dad the best of luck and I hope you find this new arrangement helps you and your relationship with your son.

[user1497263349]

Obviously I'd be giving up control of my son. But he's a human being. What's right for him is what's right for me.

Unless I had so much support that I didn't have to do any of the tasks to bring him up (full time nanny or living with family) I'd be unhappy.

I would need constant support.

[user1497263349]

My Son was planned. I actually had fertility treatment to have him. I wanted nothing more than being a Mum. Thought I'd be a brilliant one and my Son would enrich my life. I was completely nieve. No idea what having a child was like.

[Allthewaves]

Some people are not cut out to be mums or dad's - there's no shame in admitting that. There's so many narc mother posts on here. Op your giving your son the best chance by recognising your not in the right place to be a good mum.

I would suggest more counselling to support you during the transition

[Sweatingcobbles]

I think you are doing the right thing. I had a neighbour who was in this situation, she had pnd and ptsd and just couldn't cope with being a Mum. She had the kids at the weekend and it was fine.

I think there is a huge stigma around women who find they just can't cope with motherhood. Many fathers have limited contact or weekend contact and no one bat's an eyelid.

[MaximaDeWit]

And also, no judgment here.

I'm lucky enough not to have struggled in terms of a bond with my son but CHRIST, it's hard work. I'm on antidepressants after a delayed PND diagnosis, a traumatic birth and a horrific few months after his birth after some life changing events and I still struggle everyday. I can't imagine how it must feel and how hard it must be not to have that bond that helps override the difficult stuff and I think some of the replies on here have been vile and judgemental.

Wishing you all the best.

[Firenight]

Gosh there are some horrible people here!

User, if this is the best step for your family then feel no guilt. Hopefully your son will get a happier mother if you have the time you need to be yourself.

[indigox]

You're making the best decision for you, and your son, does the opinion of anyone else matter?

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

I'm the happiest person alive when my son isn't there. He just bores me. Everything about him is boring

There has got to be something wrong with you if you find your own child boring and you are happier without him.

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him

He probably won't want a relationship with you. Who could blame him.

[mar72]

I can't wait until he's an adult so I can actually enjoy having a relationship with him.
I don't have a cristal ball but the chances of you having a realtionship with him as an adult are next to zero. It may happen, but that will involve a series of factors, the main one is you being involved in some degree in his childhood (don't expect to turn up when he's 18 and have a great time with him, not gonna happen), another is him understanding you left him with his father so he could have the care he deserved.

Having said that, if you can't cope, I think you're right to leave him with his father. Some people are not really made to be parents so it's better to leave him with someone who will provide the level of emotional care he needs. The sooner the inadequate parent reconigses that, the better will be for the child.

Regarding your emotional welfare, I'd go to your GP and seek help. You can't really diagnose yourself not having depression or any other mental affection. Speaking for myself, I had a horrible pre natal depression which evolved into a full blown post natal depression. This robbed me of the first three years of my DS life, I only started seeing the light after taking medication and several rounds of therapy.

You don't deserve judgement, you're doing the right thing acknowledging that motherhood wasn't/isn't for you and leaving him with someone who can fulfil that role. However, you'll have to face the consequences of your decision at some point in the future.

Good luck.

[SapphireStrange]

It's funny because my ex is hailed as an amazing dad for having our son every weekend. He receives so much praise.

If I did it I'm a bad mum.

This is absolutely the heart of it. The double standard is outrageous.

I do think, OP, comments like 'Inside I'm dead!' sound as though you could still use some more professional support.

But, all other things being equal, it sounds as though you're making a good decision.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

Jesus , some very harsh replies here.

If a mother (not you op) is suicidal and says her kids would be better off without her , would you describe her as cold or so bloody unwell she can't see straight ?

If your sons dad loves him and he has extended family that love him and you feel better seeing him weekends , then there is nothing to say he not will grow up perfectly happy and normal .

I haven't found motherhood easy and it's absolutely not what I imagined so I understand Op.

You have made a sensible decision and I wish you and your son the best .

[OohMavis]

Is this really so shocking?

There are deadbeat dads up and down the country who could have written this word for word. Women post on here all the time about their useless exes who, whilst they love the child, prefer the company of their mates and couldn't stand to look after them 24/7.

They're called arseholes, wankers, sperm donors. And I agree it does make them arseholes.

Shock horror, mothers can be arseholes too.

I hope your son is better off with his dad OP and you at least fulfill your responsibility to him as his parent, and that he doesn't grow up to be damaged by you in any way. Oh, and take steps to make sure you never get pregnant again.

[fanfrickintastic]

I think you are doing the right thing. Being a mum isn't for everyone, but it is really hard to know that until you are one!

See him once a week, spend that time focused on him and try and build your relationship with him. The space may help you do that.

I don't think your a monster, I think you are being honest and that is a good thing for the benefit of your son!

[theredjellybean]

I for one think you are firstly very brave for admitting how you feel, it really is the last taboo, and i also empathise completely, i loathed being a parent to my first DD, i literally felt sick at the thought of the days at home, as i only worked p/t as 'that was the right thing fo r mothers'...no suggestion my exdh should work p/t and stay at home.
I was so utterly and totally bored , all the time and would do anything to aovid being left on my own with dd.
I obviously did stick at it, had no choice...and she is now a 23 yr old and we have an amazing relationship , but honestly i was rubbish as a parent until she was about 11-12, and really only came into it when she was about 14-15.
Luckily she doesnt hold it against me !
If you love your son, and he has a good stable life with his dad and the weekends with you are stable and you maintain that contact however hard it it you will still have a good relationship with him, afterall it is what many fathers do and they seem to manage to keep a relationship with their children.