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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is no oral sex a deal breaker?

297 replies

catbows · 17/05/2017 10:17

Just having a conversation with a friend about a guy she is with that point blank refuses to go down on women.
He doesn't 'expect' blowjobs but does enjoy them.
He says he doesn't give oral because he wouldn't like the texture and because she has asked so many times why he doesn't and that it offends her he now says there is 'pressure' on the situation which means he probably will never do it.
I think this would be a deal breaker for me? Is this normal?
I don't think I've ever known someone to completely refuse....

OP posts:
DaddyfingerAnnihilation · 17/05/2017 10:23

He says he wouldn't like the texture not he doesn't, so does that means he's never gone down on a woman and is just guessing he wouldn't like it?

manueltowers · 17/05/2017 10:24

Meh, not everyone likes the idea of oral sex.

So long as both parties are happy/being fulfilled in other ways I don't see a problem.

But I'm sure it would be a dealbreaker for some people, which is fine too.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 17/05/2017 10:25

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, no.

He has the right to refuse, but if it is a deal breaker for your friend, she should leave.

divadee · 17/05/2017 10:27

It wouldn't be a deal breaker in the situation you described. If he was wanting blow jobs then it would be unreasonable but as you say he's not asking for them then as long as the rest of the sex life was healthy and fulfilling then I wouldn't dump him.

TheNaze73 · 17/05/2017 10:28

Down to the individual & their likes. If it was a long term thing & she saw a future in it & theoretically was never going to receive oral ever again & she liked it, she should bin him off.

Dumbo412 · 17/05/2017 10:34

Not for Me. I would be quite thankful actually! I don't like it! If she liked it which it sounds like she does, then it becomes a problem.

He feels pressured and she feels unfulfilled, sounds like it's going nowhere fast

Pinkheart5917 · 17/05/2017 10:35

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, No. Oral sex isn't for everyone

I do enjoy it sometimes but me and dh don't do oral very often tbh, we have other ways of getting turned on prior to penetration.

Ratatatouille · 17/05/2017 10:36

Everybody has the right to refuse to perform any sexual act for any reason. He shouldn't have to explain himself and his partner should not be putting pressure on him by telling him that she is offended - that is her issue entirely. It doesn't matter whether he has or hasn't done it before or if he is "just guessing" that he wouldn't like it. He's not obligated to try it before he can refuse.

As for "is it normal", again that shouldn't really come into it. People shouldn't do things they aren't comfortable with and it's not abnormal to have different boundaries than other people.

If it's a deal breaker for her then that is her choice. She can walk away. But she shouldn't issue ultimatums or put pressure on him.

If she is annoyed by it because she perceives it as selfish, I think she needs to look at other areas of the relationship or look at their sex life as a whole. Is he a considerate partner in other ways?

nakedandconcerned · 17/05/2017 10:37

Would be for me 100%.

WaitingYetAgain · 17/05/2017 10:41

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I don't like the idea of someone doing something they are not into. I suppose for the deal breakers it perhaps would be because that is the only way they orgasm.

If that is the case, then she should explain that to him and see what he says. If he still doesn't want to do it, then I would think that it would be a deal break situation for her, as regardless of whether she gives him oral or not presumably he is able to climax.

I do think, she might want to stop giving him BJs if she is not that into them and especially if she is doing it because she thinks he'd return the favour.

CiliatedEpithelium · 17/05/2017 10:42

Deal breaker for me.

MysweetAudrina · 17/05/2017 10:43

No definitely not a deal breaker. It's nice when your partner enjoys it and gets turned on by giving you pleasure but tbh if I thought my partner was gagging down there or was not enjoying as much as he wanted me to enjoy it there is no way I would let his mouth anywhere near it. It should be a mutually enjoyable experience.

walkinganhouraday · 17/05/2017 10:44

It would be definitely be a deal breaker for me and I am sure my DH would say the same as oral is a big part of our sex life.

However if I didn't like to give or receive there is no way I would be guilted into it.

A friend and her DH have never done it during 20 years of marriage and are perfectly happy.

Each to their own I guess.

Redglitter · 17/05/2017 10:46

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. It's a shame he's not even prepared to try it though.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 17/05/2017 10:46

I love it when I'm with a man who loves going down on me, and although it wouldn't necessarily be a dealbreaker if he didn't I would be disappointed. He'd have to be very good at other things sexually though to make up for it, and if he wasn't that would be a dealbreaker.

harlequinblue · 17/05/2017 10:49

IME people complain of the 'pressure' when its something they don't want to do. If everything else was good (and that's not necessarily a given, here) then it would not be a deal breaker for me.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 17/05/2017 10:49

Not for me, no.

I love giving but cannot relax when receiving and so can't properly enjoy it.

Original poster
catbows · 17/05/2017 10:50

I don't think the issue is that she misses the actual sexual act but she finds it fairly selfish, she has told him she likes it a lot in the past.
He also said things like 'I'm sure when we've been together for a year I will' (that's not why she stayed with him) but they're now coming up to 2 years and no change. She does insist that he has lots of redeeming features though, and that she probably wouldn't enjoy it if he were to do it now because she'd worry he felt pressured.

OP posts:
Ravenblack · 17/05/2017 10:52

I don't think it would be a deal breaker, but I have never had a man refuse,so it's hard to say exactly what I would think/how I would react unless the situation arose. I would be disappointed though, because I enjoy it. (Who doesn't?!) If he wouldn't do it to me, then I wouldn't do it to him though. Then again, if that is the premise of the relationship 'if you won't, I won't;' it doesn't bode well does it? Confused

Ravenblack · 17/05/2017 10:52

Also, 'he doesn't like the texture.' It's not fucking paint!

CricketRuntAndRashers · 17/05/2017 10:56

It would be for me.

Also, if somebody didn't like the texture of my vagina? Fair enough. But I think I'd feel too self-conscious to let them do anything with my vagina ever again.

Anyhow, I quite like giving blowjobs and I really like receving oral. So, yes. For me personal it's very important.

And clitoral stilmulation is pretty much always necessary for me personally to reach orgasm anyway...

Herbella · 17/05/2017 10:56

"Not for Me. I would be quite thankful actually! I don't like it! If she liked it which it sounds like she does, then it becomes a problem."

" If he was wanting blow jobs then it would be unreasonable but as you say he's not asking for them then as long as the rest of the sex life was healthy and fulfilling then I wouldn't dump him."

This

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 17/05/2017 10:59

Isn't give and take necessary in any relationship?
He should be prepared to give it a go imo!!

steff13 · 17/05/2017 10:59

It would be a deal breaker for me.

But, like any other human being, he's entitled to refuse to participate in any sex act he chooses, for whatever reason he chooses. If he feels like she's pressuring him, that's really unfair.

SpunkOnMyEssay · 17/05/2017 11:01

Probable dealbreaker for me.

He'd have to be exceptional in other ways to make up for that...

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