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Original poster

Is no oral sex a deal breaker?

297 replies

catbows · 17/05/2017 10:17

Just having a conversation with a friend about a guy she is with that point blank refuses to go down on women.
He doesn't 'expect' blowjobs but does enjoy them.
He says he doesn't give oral because he wouldn't like the texture and because she has asked so many times why he doesn't and that it offends her he now says there is 'pressure' on the situation which means he probably will never do it.
I think this would be a deal breaker for me? Is this normal?
I don't think I've ever known someone to completely refuse....

OP posts:
RachelA1 · 17/05/2017 11:42

I'm not really into receiving oral sex so it wouldn't matter to me, but I guess for some women it would be a problem. Remember though, that no one should be coerced into any sex acts or made to feel guilty if they don't want to do certain things. It's either a deal breaker or a 'forget it and enjoy what you do'' type situation.

Ratatatouille · 17/05/2017 11:45

A man saying that no oral sex is a dealbreaker for him. I think that would be fine.

I don't think it's a problem for it to be a deal breaker. But if I saw a man writing about how his gf had better be very good at other things to make up for it I'd think he was a complete pig. People are not there for anybody else's gratification. It's just not a nice way to talk about somebody you share something so intimate with.

And btw, a man may be honest when he's saying that oral is necessary for him to reach orgasm.

I think after a two year relationship, it's a bit suspect to pull out the "but I can't orgasm any other way" card. If you already told your partner that in the beginning and they still don't want to perform a certain act, then you just aren't compatible. They are still not obligated to do something they are not comfortable with. If it's the first time you're telling them, then you're trying to guilt trip them.

Thanks also for the lovely and highly relevant insight into your sexual preferences Confused

CricketRuntAndRashers · 17/05/2017 11:45

Wanne

Yes.

But if a person said that they simply didn't feel comfortable enough but said: 'I'm sure when we've been together for a year I will^ (which is what this man apparently did say) I'd probably assume that they aren't very opposed to the idea but simply weren't comfortable with it now , not generally.

And if they said that knowing that oral was for me a very important thing but actually were very much opposed to ever doing it? I'd feel as if they had been stringing me along in the hopes that I might change my mind. Which is also pretty awful.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 17/05/2017 11:47

Rata

Yup, that part about my sexual preferences was a bit TMI.

Yes, after two years suddenly saying that you have actually faked all orgasms up to now would be rather... weird.

WannaBe · 17/05/2017 11:52

I disagree. If something isn't on the cards now then there are no guarantees for the future, and the assumption has to e that this is how it's going to be. It's a bit like women who come on here and say they've been with their dh for ten years and sex was never forthcoming even in the beginning but they married him anyway. The writing's on the wall, it's up to you to read it.

Ratatatouille · 17/05/2017 11:52

But if a person said that they simply didn't feel comfortable enough but said: 'I'm sure when we've been together for a year I will^ (which is what this man apparently did say) I'd probably assume that they aren't very opposed to the idea but simply weren't comfortable with it now , not generally.

Why would a partner be OK with something in a year that they can't bear the thought of now? To me, that sounds like she's piled on the pressure and he has said it because he wants her to back off but he doesn't want to lose the relationship.

Sallystyle · 17/05/2017 11:54

No it wouldn't be a deal breaker here either.

I am not a huge fan of it myself.

FrenchJunebug · 17/05/2017 11:57

he has the right not to be pressured on doing a sex act he doesn't like doing. What if it was the other way round and him pressuring her?

BluePeppers · 17/05/2017 12:00

Replace oral sexual with anal. How dies it sends now? Should your friend for example accept to have anal just because he enjoys it and it's just selfish for her to do it for him??
It's sex. There are plenty of ways to have sex and not everyone has to enjoy every single act.
It's ok for him to say no to oral sex just as much it should be OK for her to say no to anal sex or bondage or whatever else it can be.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 17/05/2017 12:00

Rata

well, tbh. That's the OP telling us what her friend's boyfriend said (probably?) about a year ago... Plus, we have no idea how he said it, whether she was indeed pressuring him... So, I guess I agree, a lot of this does depend on context. And if she was indeed pressuring him then that is very wrong and abusive.

But it's also a rather difficult situation. Let's say somebody starts a relationship and mentions that they think oral sex is something they definitely want to be a part of their sexlife. The other partner actually dislikes it but is afraid that the other partner may break it off may etc and therefore says "sure, but later, when I feel more comfortable." or is certain that his or her sexual... uhm, prowess will be enough to satisfy the other partner even without oral sex.

I mean, I personally was luckily never in that situation. But I think it would be wrong to assume that the partner that really wants oral necessarily pressured the other person...

BluePeppers · 17/05/2017 12:01

And she is out of line to have asked for it so many times that HE feel sunder pressure to do it.
Pressuring for sex is NEVER a good thing.

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 17/05/2017 12:01

Not a deal breaker for me as I don't like receiving it much (I have no idea why but I do not) .

I can see some would and do so perhaps in that situation it would be a deal breaker.

Chessplayer09 · 17/05/2017 12:03

Hmm. I can just imagine if a man said he was going to dump his girlfriend because she wouldn't do anal, I'm sure the responses would be exactly the same Hmm

nakedandconcerned · 17/05/2017 12:04

I'm a bit Hmm at those criticising people for saying it would be a deal breaker.

Agree 100% that nobody should be forced into a sexual act they don't feel comfortable with. However if I started dating someone and they said they didn't want to then I would probably say see you later. Not to manipulate them, but my ability to climax and my sex life are quite dependent on oral stimulation. It's not coercion or forcing someone to accept that you aren't sexually compatible.

Mrsknackered · 17/05/2017 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/05/2017 12:07

I'd tell her to leave tbh. I was told would do it when married. No. Had it three times. Can't relax when I know he doesn't really want too. Pissed off a the dishonestly more than anything to be honest.

Lweji · 17/05/2017 12:09

Definitely not. I don't care how I get to orgasm, just as long as I do. Fingers work well too.

JaneJeffer · 17/05/2017 12:10

If he doesn't want to do it and she can't accept that and it's so important to her then she shouldn't be with him and needs to find someone else.

fanfrickintastic · 17/05/2017 12:11

I don't like receiving oral. Drives my DH nuts as he enjoys giving it. But I find it weird and unpleasant (not just DH!).

I'm happy to give it though.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. But different strokes for different folks.

Oldraver · 17/05/2017 12:12

I did have someone who was happy to receive but just would not give.

He was a casual thing so I did bin off, one of many reasons.

NeoTrad · 17/05/2017 12:14

I find receiving oral sex quite unpleasant.

SunEgg · 17/05/2017 12:14

As long as he doesn't expect it from her, its not a deal breaker.

Branleuse · 17/05/2017 12:20

I think oral sex is often the only way a woman can orgasm. I dont see the point in sex that doesnt involve me getting oral somewhere. Definitely a deal breaker, we'd be incompatible.

MeadowHay · 17/05/2017 12:23

I like receiving, but it can still take me awhile to relax enough to enjoy it as I initially feel a bit self-conscious, even though I've been with DH for years and I know he really enjoys giving. But I can orgasm in other ways too and whilst I do really enjoy it, I enjoy other things too, so this wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me.

However I think if it was a deal-breaker for her friend she should have ended the relationship at the beginning when she first realised he wasn't that into it. It doesn't seem fair to me at all to continue a relationship for so long, putting continious pressure on your partner to engage in an act that you've known right from the start that they weren't into. It doesn't matter whether he said "yeah maybe later", maybe he thought he would change his mind later, but he didn't, and imo you have to take people as they find them, and it was clear he wasn't into it, and it was her choice to continue the relationship, but totally wrong to pressure him. DH and I were together for about a year before I felt comfortable enough to receive. He made it clear to me that he really wanted to give, and I made it clear I really didn't feel comfortable to receive - and that was that, he never mentioned it again until one day I said I felt I would actually like to receive and he said great and that was that. But if he had kept pestering me about it I would have said bye and left in those early days for sure. It's a lack of respect to do that.

blackteasplease · 17/05/2017 12:27

I think it's fine so long as he isn't asking for blow jobs and she is getting pleasure in other ways

I agree with those who say no one should feel pressured into a particular sexual act.

That said of course she is free to leave if she wishes.

In this scenario I wouldn't be giving blow jobs though unless I specifically enjoyed giving them myself.

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