Is no oral sex a deal breaker?

[catbows]

Just having a conversation with a friend about a guy she is with that point blank refuses to go down on women.
He doesn't 'expect' blowjobs but does enjoy them.
He says he doesn't give oral because he wouldn't like the texture and because she has asked so many times why he doesn't and that it offends her he now says there is 'pressure' on the situation which means he probably will never do it.
I think this would be a deal breaker for me? Is this normal?
I don't think I've ever known someone to completely refuse....

It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me. If you don't like giving oral, or even the idea of it, I can't see how that's selfish. Selfish is eating all the cakes. Not doing something that turns you off isn't selfish.

Not at all. My BF doesn't do it, which works fine for us as I don't actually like it! I do enjoying giving him a BJ so we do that, he would do it for me if I loved it as he loves to please but he certainly wouldn't offer.

No it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

I don't think anyone should be in anyway pressured to do something sexually they don't want to do. Your friend is very misguided calling him selfish in this instance.

She wouldn't be unreasonable to end the relationship if oral is important to her, she would be unreasonable to keep pressuring him over it.

Justmade

Not really. If somebody feels uncomfortable with something sex related then they certainly shouldn't be doing it.
However, I also think honesty is important. I'd be pretty mad if somebody told me "Yes, in a year" but still wouldn't want to do so after 2 years.

As somebody that enjoys oral just as much (if not more) as actual PIV intercourse... Well, I mean. Just no. I couldn't be with somebody that hated oral sex.

Also because... Idk, I think if a sexual partner of mine (the last few years only DH) didn't show enthusiastic consent? I just wouldn't have sex with them.

Maybe not mad. But I'd feel a bit... well, as if said person had lied to me with the intention of continuting our relationship.

She does insist that he has lots of redeeming features though

He doesn't need to redeem himself! He's done nothing wrong.

I think some people need to flip this around and imagine it's a bloke complaining that his gf won't give him a blowjob and consider if they would feel the same way about that.

Would anybody think a woman was selfish for not giving a guy a blowjob because "he had told her he likes it a lot in the past"?

What would your opinion be of a man who said that his gf not giving him a blowjob "wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker if she didn't I would be disappointed. She'd have to be very good at other things sexually though to make up for it"

And would anybody be guilted into giving a guy a blowjob because he told her that it's the only way he can orgasm? No. You'd see straight through that as a guilt trip.

Can't honestly believe some of these responses.

Ratatouille

That would be fine imo.

Especially is that man usually couldn't have an orgasm without oral stimulation...

Not a deal breaker for me. I don't like various sex things (my breasts being sucked, anal) and if my partner thought that was a dealbreaker I'd be pretty unhappy at the thought of being pressured into something.

Dealbreaker for me.

For me, definitely.

If she could only have an orgasm with oral sex, and he doesn't want to perform oral for whatever reason, then they're incompatible. She needs to decide if that's a deal breaker for her, and nice on if it is. He isn't obligated to do something he doesn't want to do.

Move on.

Agree this is about sexual compatibility, not forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do.

Wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but that's just my personal taste. What would be a dealbreaker, however, is a partner saying they want me to do something I'm not keen on, then suggesting I am selfish if I don't do it. Would drop them like a stone if that happened.

How is it "Selfish"?? If someone does not enjoy a sex act then OF COURSE they do not have to do it!!

It's frankly outrageous that anyone would expect any particular act...it's not a right!

Considering sex should only be part of the whole relationship, and its importance declines with time anyway after the honeymoon period, then you should look at the whole picture. If everything else is rosy, i.e. happy in other respects for the long term, then I wouldn't have said it's a deal breaker. But if high on her list of priorities and she's unable to see past it, then clearly it is and there's no future.

If she could only have an orgasm with oral sex, and he doesn't want to perform oral for whatever reason, then they're incompatible.

Totally agree Steff

It's never OK to pressure anybody into performing a sex act for any reason. If that sex act is very important to your happiness, you are free to move on and find a partner who will perform it willingly.

Cricket what would be fine?

Hm-mmm. I think it would depend if it was part of a bigger problem or not. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me if my partner didn't want to do X particular act (because nobody should be forced to do something they're not comfortable with), but it would be a dealbreaker if he didn't make up for that in other ways. So if he's making the effort to ensure that she enjoys a healthy, fulfilling sex life with plenty of foreplay and orgasms, then I don't think it should be a dealbreaker.

I also think that it's important to examine WHY you don't want to do something before completely dismissing it, and explore ways in which you might be able to learn to enjoy it. Not always possible obviously but either way, honest communication with your partner is key.

Although all that said, I always thought I didn't like it but then I met DH and he loves doing it so much I think it could have been a dealbreaker for him if I didn't try it! Turns out that when it's being done by someone with love and enthusiasm it's THE BEST THING EVER. So I would really, REALLY miss it!

Completely deal breaker with me, quite simply because it brings me more pleasure than every other sexual act put together so I couldnt see a future in any relationship without it.

Had one ex who wasn't keen, said it was "boring!" He fully expected constant blow jobs, however. I became so resentful towards him for caring about his pleasure over mine that I ended the relationship.

I'm now friends with the woman he was in a LTR with after me and she told me she ended things for the same reason. The irony is, he thinks he's god's gift to women in the sack.

I can just imagine the responses if this thread was reversed "been with a lovely guy for two years, now he's decided to end it because I won't go down on him." Yeah, posters would so be replying that the OP was selfish and should be doing more to please her man.

Or replace "oral" with "anal" or "bdsm" and come to the same conclusion - err I don't think so.

Ultimately there is no normal it's about personal preference, and nobody is wrong for not enjoying or not wanting to perform certain sexual acts.

If he doesn't like it then he doesn't like it. If people see that as a deal breaker then it says everything about them, not about the other person.

Ultimately sex is a consensual act between two adults. If one doesn't enjoy something then they don't consent to it and that is their right.

It's not a dealbreaker in and of itself in the same way that being a misogynistic pig or a history of domestic violence are (or should be).

It may be a 'personal dealbreaker' though - in the same way that I couldn't live with someone that chose to eat a really limited diet. I know two men who point blank refuse to eat any vegetables - it's obviously not a dealbreaker for their wives, but I really couldn't be doing with it.

It's not selfish or abusive to not like something, but it can make you fundamentally incompatible if it's important to the other person.

rata

A man saying that no oral sex is a dealbreaker for him. I think that would be fine.

And btw, a man may be honest when he's saying that oral is necessary for him to reach orgasm.

Just like I need (gentle) clit stimulation. And fingers are usually too rough...

As I said, I wouldn't want to engage in any kind of sexual act that my partner (=DH) wasn't enthusiastic about.

But I also wouldn't want to say goodbye to orgasms for the reast of my live (or have to provide them myself).

I don't see how this says everything about me...

Oh come on. No one should be pressed into doing something sexual when they've already stressed they don't want to do it. They also should not need to justify themselves! It's not like he presses her for oral and refuses to return the favour is it...

But if it's a deal breaker then you end the relationship before it's begun, you don't string it out for a couple of years in the hopes that maybe he'll change his mind... That equals pressure and coercion surely?