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Original poster

Is no oral sex a deal breaker?

297 replies

catbows · 17/05/2017 10:17

Just having a conversation with a friend about a guy she is with that point blank refuses to go down on women.
He doesn't 'expect' blowjobs but does enjoy them.
He says he doesn't give oral because he wouldn't like the texture and because she has asked so many times why he doesn't and that it offends her he now says there is 'pressure' on the situation which means he probably will never do it.
I think this would be a deal breaker for me? Is this normal?
I don't think I've ever known someone to completely refuse....

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 17/05/2017 12:32

Imo it's fine for anything to be a deal breaker. As long as what you mean by thst is that you will calmly end the relationship.

What's not OK is nagging on about something / making the other person's life a misery. But not ending the relationship or (even worse) making it hard for the other person to leave when they get fed up of the pressure

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 17/05/2017 12:38

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, I think my dp enjoys it more than I do, but there are other things that would be a deal breaker for me (like bdsm), and if my parter wasn't into those things I would probably end the relationship, not because they'd done anything wrong, but because we wouldn't be compatible.
he has a right to say no to any sexual activity that he doesn't feel comfortable with.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 17/05/2017 12:46

To all the people saying "what if this was a man"...

Well, what if this was about vaginal sex/PIV?

They have a few dates (or maybe none, doesn't really matter), she doesn't want to have penetrative sex and says she doesn't feel comfortable yet, but maybe in a year/when we're engaged/married or whatever.

He is ok with that and they end up being (presumably...) really compatible, are in love and things are really great.

After that year/When they're engaged/married the woman still doesn't really want vaginal sex. He continues to wait a little bit longer and ultimately decides to ask her. She initially refuses to answer but seeing as he really wants to understand and was also looking forward to vaginal sex he continues asking.

She ultimately tells her OH that she wouldn't like the "texture" (ok, doesn't make sense in this context... Wouldn't like the sensation) and that there's now pressure on it. And anhyow, now that he asked this often she really doesn't want to do it anyway.

Her husband/boyfriend/whatever is now wondering whether that is a dealbreaker.
I don't see why anybody would criticise him for that.

to some people oral is just as important as vaginal.

Rantymare · 17/05/2017 12:52

Not for me. I don't get anything from it and actually am a bit grossed out by it. It's down to the individual

HildaOg · 17/05/2017 12:56

She shouldn't be pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do. He's already told her he doesn't want to do it. If she chooses to stay with him, she has to accept it. If she'd prefer a satisfying sex life with someone compatible, then she can walk out and find the right one.

QueenOfFlatShoes · 17/05/2017 13:02

Not for me. I don't get anything from it and actually am a bit grossed out by it. It's down to the individual

Glad it's not just me.

HildaOg · 17/05/2017 13:08

Why are people grossed out by it? Do your partners have bad oral hygiene because that would be disgusting but something that can be fixed or replaced. Or are they just really bad at giving it?

I'm surprised at how many don't like it.

Oblomov17 · 17/05/2017 13:10

Its ok for such a thing to be a deal-breaker, for anyone. I enjoy oral, both giving and receiving, more than PIV. Just a preference.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2017 13:22

Would be a dealbreaker for me.

Justbreathing · 17/05/2017 13:34

What cricket said
I would only want someone to do something they were comfortable with, but IMO it doesn't sound that way to me.

SpunkOnMyEssay · 17/05/2017 13:35

My experience is that the men I've slept with who weren't that keen on giving oral were also the ones who were the most 1) sexist in everyday life, and 2) focused on their own pleasure sexually. Obviously there will be exceptions, but I'd bet my eye teeth this would hold as a general rule...

peachgreen · 17/05/2017 13:39

@HildaOg I didn't like it before I met DH because a) previous partners weren't very good at it (though I didn't realise that at the time) and b) I was very self-conscious and worried they were hating every second of it - it took DH's obvious enthusiasm to help me get over that fear.

seafoodeatit · 17/05/2017 13:44

Nope, not a dealbreaker for me either, people should only do what they're happy to do in a relationship. It seems like a strange thing to pressure someone over/barter over time scale, if it really is so important then they should go their separate ways.

Ratatatouille · 17/05/2017 13:54

I'm a bit hmm at those criticising people for saying it would be a deal breaker.

I can't see where anyone has said that Naked

People have expressed the opinion that if it is a deal breaker, she ought to leave rather than pressuring or nagging him into doing somethinghe's not comfortable with. But nobody has said that she isn't perfectly entitled to end the relationship on the grounds that they are sexual incompatible.

ravenmum · 17/05/2017 13:55

Same here, peachgreen :)

steff13 · 17/05/2017 14:24

I don't think it's a problem for it to be a deal breaker. But if I saw a man writing about how his gf had better be very good at other things to make up for it I'd think he was a complete pig.

Same. I've seen a zillion threads on there from women who's husband's are pressuring them for sex (of some kind). The typical response is he has no right to pressure here, and there's nothing less attractive than a "sex pest." I've never seen anyone ask the poster what she's doing to make up for denying him sex.

steff13 · 17/05/2017 14:24

husbands, not husband's. :/

JacquesHammer · 17/05/2017 14:26

I do think men's sexual preferences are just as valid as women's.

I was told months back to LTB because my partner doesn't like sex whilst I am on my period 😂😭.

Whereas I see it that nobody should be forced to do anything they don't want sexually.

It's one of those situations where nobody is unreasonable - he doesn't want to do oral, that's fine. She wants to get oral, they're not compatible, that's fine. What isn't fine is the suggestion that his sexual preferences are selfish in this instance.

anon1987 · 17/05/2017 14:42

Imagine if this thread was about a man considering ending a relationship because the women wouldn't give him a blow job Hmm

FrenchMartiniTime · 17/05/2017 14:45

It's not a deal breaker.

Everybody has sexual activities they wouldn't be comfortable with and it's unfair to pressure someone into something they don't want to do.

Original poster
Catbows · 17/05/2017 14:50

I do understand that there shouldn't be any pressure on it and completely agree that if sexually incompatible they should go separate ways, however, he has said that it will happen once they've been together for a year and when they move in together Hmm which I think is unfair as it is leading her on. She hasn't stayed with him on the promise that he will go down because it's not that much of an issue but IMO I don't think that's a great way to go about it. She says she was absolutely fine with him not doing it and his reasons for not doing it (she was concerned to begin with it was because he thought she was a bit whiffy) and they communicate well, but she doesn't like the false promises. It's not needed.

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/05/2017 15:00

Imagine if this thread was about a man considering ending a relationship because the women wouldn't give him a blow job.

My position would be the same - if it's a deal breaker for him, he needs to move on.

KC225 · 17/05/2017 15:09

Deal breaker for me.

Wouldn't pressure him into but would chalk it up to being sexually incompatible and would move on. Having said that there are things 'dirt box action' that I am not into and if he really was into it then I wouldn't blame him for moving on. Again, sexually incompatible. Just one of those things.

ShatnersWig · 17/05/2017 15:22

My last partner didn't like receiving or giving oral sex. I'm afraid that was a dealbreaker. I like receiving and love giving it. The idea of not doing either again for 30-years just didn't appeal. I tried continuing the relationship but it meant my sex life wasn't as satisfying as I wanted it to be. I did not expect for one minute that she should suddenly start going down on me or let me go down on her "just because". It just meant we were sexually incompatible (which is precisely why no sex before marriage is such a stupid thing and thankfully relatively rare now).

expatinscotland · 17/05/2017 15:49

'It's not a deal breaker.

Everybody has sexual activities they wouldn't be comfortable with and it's unfair to pressure someone into something they don't want to do.'

It's not a dealbreaker to you. But while it is definitely unfair to pressure someone into something they don't want to do, it's equally okay to call time on the relationship because you are sexually incompatible.

I love giving oral and receiving it, really couldn't be with someone for life who never wanted either.

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