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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A son finds a wife, a daughters for life?

160 replies

Flapjack30 · 15/05/2017 23:51

I think that's how the saying goes, or something along those lines.

AIBU to wonder if there's any truth in this?

I know many families where the couple are closer to the maternal grandparents, that's not to say there aren't cases where it's the other way around, it's just I definitely know of many many more couples where they are much closer to the maternal side and have a much more distant relationship on the paternal side.

Do you think there is truth to this? Or is my personal experience with those around me not representative of reality.

OP posts:
FreeSpiritJen · 15/05/2017 23:55

"A daughter's a daughter for the whole of your life, a son is a son until the son takes a wife."

Don't thing there's much in it tbh. I know some daughters who have less to do with their mothers than the sons do. And some sons who have less to do with the mothers than the daughters do.

ladymariner · 15/05/2017 23:58

I have an only ds, therefore if anyone says this hideous rhyme to me I feel unfeasibly stabby!!!

maltedmilk1 · 15/05/2017 23:59

In my experience and having spoken to other families regarding this the song rings true in many cases...

StickThatInYourPipe · 16/05/2017 00:00

Although I'm a sucker for a catchy poem and quite like the rythem of this, it is complete bollocks OP

ScarlettFreestone · 16/05/2017 00:00

I hate that rhyme, a friend's mother uses it to make her toe the line.

My DH is just as close to his parents as I am to mine.

Original poster
Flapjack30 · 16/05/2017 00:01

lady I really don't want to upset anyone by this post. I'm currently pregnant with a boy so I feel the same way. I just know that in the circles I've travelled, I can see the truth in this. Like I said,I've seen a number of exceptions though so hopefully that'll be us Grin

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 16/05/2017 00:02

I dont know. Some mothers and daughters have hellish relationships.

One of my exes was the mummys boy from hell and I pitied any woman who married him and had her as a MIL when we broke up. She interfered in our relationship when we were early 20s, she was cruel and nasty to me and he pandered to her.

I do see alot on here that your mum is closer to her daughter's children than her son's though.

Original poster
Flapjack30 · 16/05/2017 00:02

I do hope you're right stickthatinyourpipe

OP posts:
PhilomenaCatLover · 16/05/2017 00:03

I think it's quite common, and has its roots in rampant sexism. In many (most?) households with one man, one woman and kids, it's the woman who does the bulk of the childcare + arranging play dates, gift giving, visiting grandparents etc etc. Naturally she is closer to her parents so maternal GPs get closer to kids. I often also see MILs having difficult relationships with DILs. Not usually as atrocious IrL as I read on MN but there seems to be a subtle or overt power play between M&DIL.

barrygetamoveonplease · 16/05/2017 00:05

'A son's a son till ee gets a wife
A dowter's a dowter all't days of er life."
My Lancashire great-grandma, round about 1890.
She had six sons. Four died as young adults.
She had three daughters.

My dd supports her DH's relationship with his mother - that is, if she hadn't trained him how to stay in touch, he and his mother would probably speak once every six weeks. So no, it's not true, at least in some cases.

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 16/05/2017 00:07

Urgh! My mil used this to try and guilt dh into doing whatever she wanted. Horrible rhyme and completely untrue. My brother is just as close to our parents as I am.

tillytown · 16/05/2017 00:09

Definitely true in my family, but that's only because my brother and male cousins were spoilt as children, and are now the laziest dickheads imaginable.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/05/2017 00:12

I speak to my mom at least twice a week on the phone and although she lives about a 40 minute drive away I still go and see her at least once a fortnight.

My DH's mother has sadly passed away but when she was alive it was very rare DH would go and visit her even though PIL lived on the same street as us. There definitely weren't any casual phone calls and sometimes they'd probably go weeks with no contact unless she initiated it. I always found it quite odd.

I do think there's some truth in it although I don't think it's anything to do with "taking a wife" I just think it's how some men generally are towards their parents as they grow up - they just tend to move on and don't need that connection with them anymore.

I have a son and an pregnant with another boy so I'm sure I will experience it for myself one day.

TortoiseBeep · 16/05/2017 00:13

Not necessarily true. I love spending time with MIL and find it much easier than my own mum. Mil and SIL and I have a group chat and message all the time. I love my mum but she winds me up at the best of times.

My own mum has three sons and sees them all a lot. I know for a fact that one SIL sees her own parents maybe once a month but is always at mums. (we live a fair distance away, so we don't see anyone very much).

songofthecuckoo · 16/05/2017 00:16

Those old sayings often have a ring of truth in them. My dm was never allowed to get too close to my brothers kids because his wife never made her feel welcome, so i suppose a lot to do with it is the sons choice of wife.

StickThatInYourPipe · 16/05/2017 00:19

Flapjack obviously everyone is different and the relationships with parents are different but honestly, I think it's mainly down to the people involved and not much to do with gender. The one thing you will have to get used to (most likely) is the wife taking over the role of buying all your birthday/Christmas presents - some men are totally useless! Grin

fatowl · 16/05/2017 00:22

It is the case with my family, but that was due to my MIL being a distant, difficult snob of a woman. She had DH late in life and treated him like a ten year old his whole life. We live overseas and she stubbornly refused to even try and learn how to use Skype, travel to us, or clear one bedroom of her four bedroom house for us to go and stay. (Last time DH went to see her, he had to stay at a B&B because three of the four bedrooms were floor to ceiling with crap)
FOr these reasons, the relationship became distant and DH maintained a relationship out of guilt, but my (Now adult) DDs barely knew her.
This is because of what she was like as a person though,not because she was DHs mother rather than mine

I know many many families where the relationship with the paternal grnadparents is very close.

keeplooking · 16/05/2017 00:23

I think the accuracy or otherwise of that saying depends on the wife. If she doesn't want to have a close relationship with her in-laws, that will set the tone. Most men wouldn't force the issue, imo.

Liiinoo · 16/05/2017 00:23

My mum alienated all her children male and female so it wasn't true for her and my MIL, who has two boys and two girls, is indeed close to the two girls but is still closer to my DH than her other son who is in his early sixties and has never been married. So although I understand the thinking behind this it doesn't hold true in my life experience.

Pallisers · 16/05/2017 00:25

The cousin I am closest to was the child of my mother's brother. According to this, she would have been off with her mother's family.

My MIL has 6 sons, no daughters. She is very close to all her sons and her daughters in law love her dearly. I consider her one of the people I love most. But then she is a lovely, funny, interesting, loving woman.

glitterglitters · 16/05/2017 00:29

I'm very close to my fil and mil. I would trust my fil with my life and he has been more of a parent to me than my own dad.

Mil I get on with but she's hasn't got a great relationship with my husband, in fact I'm probably closer to her than he is.

My dad used to be great but now he's a grumpy old man who puts his dp first, is rude to my husband and refuses to make any effort with me and my family.

If my dm was alive it would be very different.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 00:34

I love my mother in law to bits, my own mum is dead, so is my dad. I think you should not allow silly rhymes to influence you. Be the best mum you can and have the best relationship with your kids you can. Be supportive when they find a husband or wife and when they have kids.

That's the best you can do, and will hopefully make more difference than whether they are male or female (be a massive fan of their partner and hopefully they will be a massive fan of you - I do hope so).

scottishdiem · 16/05/2017 00:46

Given the number of threads on here about husbands who seem to defer constantly to or always just support their mothers as opposed to the universal view that they should support their wives, I think that there are an awful lot of women who want this saying to be true.

KallyBox · 16/05/2017 05:47

Me and my brothers are all very close to my parents so it's not true for us, and my brothers both have relationships and children.

DH is closer to his mum since meeting me as I bloody love her and enjoy spending time with her so she gets lots of invites to dinner.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 16/05/2017 06:01

Load of rubbish. I agree with an earlier post, it is all to do with the people involved and their family dynamic. Gender is not as relevant as that. I am more distant physically and emotionally from my parent than dh is from his. They speak every week and we all see them regularly. Mine not much contact at all currently.