A son finds a wife, a daughters for life?

[Flapjack30]

I think that's how the saying goes, or something along those lines.

AIBU to wonder if there's any truth in this?

I know many families where the couple are closer to the maternal grandparents, that's not to say there aren't cases where it's the other way around, it's just I definitely know of many many more couples where they are much closer to the maternal side and have a much more distant relationship on the paternal side.

Do you think there is truth to this? Or is my personal experience with those around me not representative of reality.

[TizzyDongue]

Possibly depends on the wife the son has?

There certainly are many threads "about husbands who seem to defer constantly to or always just support their mothers as opposed to the universal view that they should support their wives" but you can never really be sure how truthful these facts are can you? Highly possible the poster just hates her mother in law because she has the audacity to havd a relationship and place in her sons life.

There's also the thinking that a woman who sees her mother regularly and talks or listens to her has a 'close relationship' (all positive). Where as a man who sees his mother regularly and talks or listens to her is a 'mommy's boy (a negative thing).

My DH has a decent relationship with his mum, as do all her other sons. I like her, have an easier relationship with my mum.

[Tiredstressed]

Not true in my experience- my DH (quite rightly) speaks to and sees his parents frequently. More than I do with my parents. It depends on the person.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dh speaks to his father twice a week on the phone, mil decreased. We don't see him much because he lives abroad and despite being retired, has decided he doesn't want to come over anymore. His choice and from his non NT behaviour, I imagine he's got undiagnosed autism. He is a complete loner. I'm chronically ill so it's hard for us to go over there. We saw him earlier this year though.

My mother is a difficult woman, who I'm finally managing to deal with in my mid 40's. Father and stepfather deceased. I've had a period of no contact with her because of her behaviour. I speak to her less frequently than my dh does to his father because conversations with her are very draining due to my health. We see her every couple of months, she lives 1.5 hours away. My brother speaks to her most days and sees her regularly but not with his wife and son because his wife has decided she wants as little to do with my mother as possible. As I said, my mother is difficult, my sil is impossible and if anyone was a candidate for a child going NC with his parents when he's older, her son is it.

I really don't think this rhyme rings true. Good enough parents usually have children, who love being with their parents even in adulthood. These parents question and make decisions about parenting instead of just being on the treadmill, they also give themselves some slack when things go wrong. The fact that you're even on here in the first place tells me that you're wanting to be the best mum you can be. Really this isn't a time to worry, it's a time of great joy.

[LaLegue]

I'd really like to believe it's complete bollocks but sadly, years of reading threads on MN by women who insist on keeping their PILs at arm's and feel justified in tightly controlling access to their sons and their grandchildren, I have reached the reluctant conclusion that there might well be something in it.

[LaLegue]

arm's length

[DeliveredByKiki]

My own mum used to say this which I always thought was so mean on my brother. And it's not that she doesn't adore him and they're not close, she does and they are! But he's expecting his first baby and she keeps talking about not wanting to step on her DIL's mum's toes so I've pointed out if she worries about it keeps trotting out this line then inevitably she won't be as close to him and his kids as she to me and mine!

[GoodEyebrowDay]

See my DM maybe once a month, at most. See MIL 2/3 times a week

[KERALA1]

Horrid. Often used by mil to justify why she has a crap relationship with her sons. Nothing to do with her behaviour oh no. It's all sil and my fault

[Welshwabbit]

I have 2 brothers - I'd say that the middle one, who is married and has a family, is at least as close to my parents as I am. Although we both live a long way away (and in both cases our parents in law live much nearer) we see our parents several times a year, they look after our kids at our houses and theirs several times a year and we both speak to them on Skype regularly. I think my younger brother has less contact, but then I think so did I until we had the kids. My PILs are lovely. They pick the boys up from school/nusers once a week and have helped us out even more lately because of a childcare emergency. So my personal experience is that the rhyme is bollocks

[Welshwabbit]

nursery

[SoMuchHurt890]

Any future DIL of mine will be treated like my daughter by me, therefore in the future I see it as I will have gained 3 daughters, not lost 3 sons!
My boys adore me and I them. Our relationships are about love, support and respect.
OP, you lucky lady, having a son. Boys are amazing 😊

[Blimey01]

Not true in our case. Dh parents very close and involved with us and DC's. Mine less so.

[LovelyBath77]

Not in my family, I'm much closer to DH's parents and have a difficult relationship with my own.

Think it depends more on the parents and how well you get on with them.

[LovelyBath77]

Yes, it snacks of possession, 'my daughter' and the like. Not good.

[Ecureuil]

I guess on the face of it it seems true in our family, however there are a lot more dynamics at play.
PIL moved abroad, and SIL moved to the same town. MIL and SIL talk every single day on the phone, see each other 2-3 times a week etc. DH FaceTimes his parents once a week, we see them a few times a year. MIL would definitely say (behind my back!) that it's my fault he speaks to them less etc, but in reality he works long hours and we have two very small children, so facetiming them every day (which would be her preference!) just isn't going to happen. If anything I encourage him to contact them more often. MIL wouldn't believe that though.
I'm close to my mum, but my brother was much closer to her before he died.

[bilbobaggi]

Horrid rhyme, although I am much closer to my family but so is my brother. My family are just lovely, supportive people, nothing to do with my gender. My ILs hate me and DH finds them a struggle but takes DC to see them when I'm working at the weekend which works well

[Blimey01]

SoMuchHurt
'OP, you lucky lady, having a son. Boys are amazing 😊'

I second that! Congratulations Op and don't worry about this silly rhyme. Your relationship with your DS will be what you make it. X

[GrumbleBumble]

it's a self fulfilling prophecy. If as a society we stopped expecting it to be true it would stop being true. Teach boys and girls to behave the same and stop assumptions that somehow her mother is more important than his and build strong, happy relationships within the family regardless of gender and this trite claptrap will be shown to be nonsense.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

We are close to my parents but his are dead, so it would be a bit difficult to have any other arrangement.

[NataliaOsipova]

There is definitely an element of truth in this, I think, although obviously it depends on the particular family dynamics. It does tend to be the wife has greater responsibility for the children (more SAHMs than SAHDs, more women work part time etc), hence it tends to be easier for the maternal grandparents to have a relationship with the grandchildren. Doesn't always follow, though, clearly.

Funnily enough, I have a friend with a son and a daughter, both of whom have children. She has always said that, while her relationship with her DD hasn't changed, she felt her son pulled away a bit when he met his wife and got married. And now they have kids she is far more relaxed discussing the GCs with her DD than with her DS. Doesn't mean it's true for all families though.

[StillDrivingMeBonkers]

There is a theory on this.

Women nurture their daughters children because they know their own blood line is carried. (Call it what you will but our primal instinct is to propagate our own genes) - you can't be sure your sons wife is hosting your genes can you?

[Jellymuffin]

I think in a lot of cases if a man behaves as if he is as close to his mother he is a 'mummy's boy' (already mentioned in this post ) and is forced to choose. Or the wife feels 'uncomfortable' with the MIL looking after their child as its not HER mum. The glut of MIL threads on here shows this - in a lot of cases if it was the wife's mother that behaved in a similar way it wouldn't draw mention. In non western cultures sons are closer to their mothers and this is encouraged - funny that these are the cultures where boys are preferred (unlike western cultures where girls are desired).

[starsinspring]

It's true IME. It's also true that men do and can move on very quickly after a bereavement of a slide or divorce, also forgetting about his children in the process.

[Angelicinnocent]

Whilst I have no doubt that my DM loves me and I love her, she has much more in common with my brother's wife and definitely gained a daughter rather than lost a son when they married.

[TheGrumpySquirrel]

Not true in my case, I get on better with DH family than my own (no major issues with mine - just feel more relaxed and have more in common with his). So we probably spend more christmases etc with them. Also my parents are awkwardly divorced while DH parents are also divorced but good friends which is really nice.