A son finds a wife, a daughters for life?

[Flapjack30]

I think that's how the saying goes, or something along those lines.

AIBU to wonder if there's any truth in this?

I know many families where the couple are closer to the maternal grandparents, that's not to say there aren't cases where it's the other way around, it's just I definitely know of many many more couples where they are much closer to the maternal side and have a much more distant relationship on the paternal side.

Do you think there is truth to this? Or is my personal experience with those around me not representative of reality.

[GahBuggerit]

It's a steaming pile of shit covered bollocks. I find it's used by MIL and DIL who are 'awkward' so it's a way of justifying why they are how they are.

[EB123]

I'm my own experiences it is fairly close to the truth though of course that is just anecdotal. I hate the saying though, as all three of my children are boys.

[hmcAsWas]

"My dd supports her DH's relationship with his mother - that is, if she hadn't trained him how to stay in touch, he and his mother would probably speak once every six weeks. So no, it's not true, at least in some cases."

You've unintentionally provided an argument for the saying there - since your Son in law would only have occasional contact with his mother if it wasn't for your daughter prompting him.

People can dismiss it as sexist or bollocks all they like, but we still have a very gendered society and in this society it is the women who tend to be the family glue who initiate and sustain family get togethers etc.

I can already see how it might go with my two dc. DD (15) confides in me, tells me pretty much everything and relies upon me. Ds (13) is affectionate and loving - but happy doing his own thing, doesn't tell me a great deal and gets on with stuff without parental input even though it is offered. I can well imagine - although he loves his parents - him being too busy and preoccupied to be in regular contact when he is an adult.

[Pigface1]

Everyone's different. And given the number of threads there are on this site about husbands who haven't managed to cut their umbilical cords yet I think it's complete rubbish.

[happilyeverafta]

Its most definitely true here! My DH is treated like devils spawn by his DS & DM.

Sil gets everything on a plate from Mil, you name it she has it, priority, her kids are always at MIL and always being treated by MIL.

Ours on the other hand go weeks without seeing her and then it's a hour at most with no affection.

DH to be fair isn't that bothered, just upsets him that his DS kids get treated so differently.....

[Gottagetmoving]

I think it is down to the MIL and DIL whether the rhyme bears any truth.
If you have a possessive mother of a son, it causes friction with the DIL. If you have a possessive DIL, you will cause friction with the mother of her husband..
I know people in both of those scenarios. Both think they are right and the other is wrong.
Where there are 2 rational and confident women in those roles, there is usually no problem with a son staying close to his parents.

[songofthecuckoo]

My Mil actually told me "well it's different when it's your daughters kids" when she felt obliged to say something when cuddling her daughters baby. It was something i'd just never seen her do with sons babies (being loving), she then went on to say to me "you've got your own mum for this. Was it any wonder my kids grew up not feeling at all close to her.

The difference in how she was with her dds children compared to her 3 sons kids was noticeably apparent.

[JuicyStrawberry]

I absolutely hate that statement. So depressing. I bet SMOGs love it though.

[diddl]

I think as pps have said, it is based purely on what often happened when a couple married.

If they had kids, the woman was at home & had more time to see her own (at home?) mother.

[Huldra]

It's the kind of thing my Mum has said to me when she's moaned about my sil's. Apparently it's their fault that her sons don't visit much / don't speak to her. The reality is my mum hates all her dil's and make life unpleasant when they visit. My brothers have always hated her general overbearing and critical behaviour so they also hate the way she treats their wives. In my family it's that simple, she's not nice and my brothers don't bother. My sil's have really tried over the years but still are often the ones to prompt my brothers to contact, my mum would never recognise that. It's much easier for her to blame the women.

I get on with my inlaws well and often see them socially. I do take my husbands lead for the level and type of contact, I've never taken over all the cardsm, making arrangemts or anything like that. On my inlaws side the daugthers and sons all put effort into seeing each other and enjoying company.

[Huldra]

"gottagetmoving"
It's also equally down to the Dad's and husbands, there are so many different dynamics.

Son who feels his own busy life take priority, he has parents (including the father) who assume relationships are women's work. Wife comes along who takes her husbands lead, she assumes that level of contact is how their family work. Or she doesn't go along with relationship building as womens work and doesn't take ownership of it.

You can be as powerful a force in a relationship by not participating and doing things.

"JuicyStrawberry" what's a SMOG?

[Chamonix1]

In my case I make the most effort with family, including my in laws. If I left contact down to my husband I doubt we'd ever see his family. He is absolutely useless.
I make an effort to see my mum and my siblings and their kids. I also make the effort to reply to my in laws messages and take dd over if she hasn't seen them for a couple of weeks.
I have 3 sisters, each of their husbands is equally as useless and leaves it all down to their wives. The evil DIL's that steal precious sons form their family.

[Bloosh]

My mil is very close to two of her three sons, and to one of her dils. She's super-close to her daughter, too.

I'm close to my mum. My dsis hardly sees her.

[HappyFlappy]

It's absolute rubbish!

My DF put his mother first for the whole of his life - to the detriment of his wife and family, I might add.

You've only got to glance at some of these threads on here to see how much trouble can be caused because a husband can't even loosen his mother's apron strings, let alone cut them. And there are also plenty of daughter's who are alienated from their mothers.

I think it depends on a lot of factors - your child's personality being the main one (some people are quite insular -doesn't mean they don't love their families, but they don't feel the need be in constant contact), others need to see their parents every day; and there is the relationship you have with them when they are children - are you a loving or rejecting parent (and often rejecting parents get a lot of attention because their kids are desperate to please them); how close to each other you live; how demanding your children's jobs are; how demanding the parents are; whether parents/children approve of each other's partners/lifestyle.

I bet there's loads more - too many facts to make a blanket assumption. And of course, this rhyme arose in the days when women had few roles outside the home, and also were expected to look after elderly or ill parents. That was their job. And people rarely moved out of the area they were born in - they lived close to their parents and so these stay-at-home women (with their fifteen children hanging onto their skirts) were nice and handy to care for their parents in their old age.

Of course, it worked the other way, too, in that grannies were usually handy to look after the many, many kids, and weren't swanning off on Saga holidays right, left and centre.

DOn't worry about it. Your child's personality, and yours, will be the biggest factor influencing whether you have some sort of contact every day (a friend of mine phoned her mam every night to say "goodnight". I spoke to min about once a fortnight.) or just at family gatherings.

[Harlaw]

My DS is an only and this makes me sad. I've been on MN long enough to know what to try not to do with a DIL, but I do realise that sometimes a MIL can do no right. But who knows maybe he'll Go the other way and I'll gain another son 🤷🏻‍♀️.

[silkpyjamasallday]

I don't think that would have been the case for us had DPs mother not passed away as we now live within 10 mins of both sides. He called her every day on his way to work and they were very close as she was a single mum for most of his childhood. I got on with her better than I did my own parents, and found it more relaxing to be in DPs family company rather than my own. As it is we split time equally between DPs stepfather, biological father and auntie and my family and I imagine it will always be this way. I went NC with my parents for a while and I never thought we would have the good relationship we do now or that they would be involved with dd. It makes me so sad to think that we don't have DPs mum here, because she would have been the most amazing grandma to dd and would have been the most involved I have no doubt.

[AtlantaGinandTonic]

Years ago at university, we had to share gender-related articles in class and I found a very interesting one that discussed how maternal grandmothers and paternal grandmothers could end up treating their grandchildren differently, and it's all to do with biology. A maternal grandmother, unless she's adopted a child or had a donated egg, knows that any natural children of her daughter are genetically related to her. A paternal grandmother does not have that 100% assurance, IYSWIM. The article then goes on to say that if the grandchildren look like the mother's side of the family, the paternal grandmother may feel even less close to the children. I'm not saying that this is always the case - my MIL loves my DDs more than life itself - but there is pretty sound biological evidence for this. I'll see if I can dig up the article, although I may have to provide a derivative of it because I think the original was in some scholarly journal.

[JuicyStrawberry]

Huldra It means "Smug Mum of Girls"

Statements such as "A son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life" can only add to smugness really.

Personally I think it's a load of crap. I'm not close to my mum and I am her daughter. So...

[HappyFlappy]

I'd like to read that Atlanta, if you can find it. Sounds really interesting.

[AtlantaGinandTonic]

Here's one I managed to find: www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071218122412.htm

[AtlantaGinandTonic]

Before I need to get my flame-proof suit, remember that my own MIL is an exception to this study, so it's not a forgone conclusion!

[MazDazzle]

It's nonsense!

When my DF died you wouldn't believe how many people said, 'It's times like these you're grateful for daughters!' At first I was flattered, but the more I thought about it it made me so angry. It was assumed that as a daughter I'd look after my mother, but if I'd been a boy I could do as I pleased!

What a load of shite.

[HappyFlappy]

Thanks for this Atlanta

[Kaybush]

Sadly I do think this holds true in my experience. My DH has two brothers and his mum said to me last year that she felt they were all closer to their partners' parents than to her.

In fact when one brother's in-laws divorced he cried his eyes out as he liked their company so much!

My DH finds his mum very difficult to be around as well (she's not a particularly nice person unfortunately), which hinders most communication.

[EuroWin1]

I hope it's not true (only DS here), but looking at my friends' families it seems to be