A son finds a wife, a daughters for life?

[Flapjack30]

I think that's how the saying goes, or something along those lines.

AIBU to wonder if there's any truth in this?

I know many families where the couple are closer to the maternal grandparents, that's not to say there aren't cases where it's the other way around, it's just I definitely know of many many more couples where they are much closer to the maternal side and have a much more distant relationship on the paternal side.

Do you think there is truth to this? Or is my personal experience with those around me not representative of reality.

[keeplooking]

really depends on the son's/daughter's relationship with their mum.

I think it also depends on the wife's relationship with her mother-in -law. Sometimes a son who has always been close to his mother is faced with his wife becoming jealous of that relationship, and forcing her husband to make a choice, in effect. That rarely happens the other way round because culturally in the UK it is more of an expectation that a daughter will remain closer to her mother in adulthood, than a son will, don't you think? Obviously many exceptions, though. I'm hoping, anyway, as a mum of 3ds!

[Curious2468]

Urgh my inlaws have actually said this phrase! This is why my husband really dislikes them and comes home grumbling whenever he sees them. I think phrases like this cause massive inequality and resentment in families tbh

[sureitsgrand]

Totally depends on the Mother in my opinion! In my own family my brother and I are both close to my mum, though admittedly I live 5 mins away and he is in another country but he phones her almost every day. MIL would definitely agree with this, in fact she has said it to me before! We live 5 mins from her. She makes no effort with us or ds, so if I push the matter we see her, if not dh just rings her. She is not a nice woman so I don't care either way at this stage.

[reallyanotherone]

It's entrenched in sexism.

For example, my mil sees all the childcare, housework etc as "wifework". So when she minds her dd's kids, or helps her out financially, or goes round and helps clean, cook, or do her washing, she is helping her dd out.

Where as my dh, as a bloke, works and brings in the money. So she wouldn't think to help him with any of the wifework, as it's not his job. She would see it as helping me, not him iyswim.

So of course, she naturally does far more for sil, as i am not her child to help out. Which means dh and i are far more self sufficient and have less of a relationship with her.

If sil needs childcare, mil helps out because bil shouldn't, men aren't primary chaldcarers. Dh wouldn't need childcare, because that's my job.

so it's true in our case, but only because mil herself buys into gender role stereotypes.

[BlueSunGreenMoon]

My mother has a very close relationship with my brother's dp and my dh, so it's not the case for my side of the family.

However, my dh's parents are much closer to his sister and her husband and children, than they are to any of their sons and other grandchildren. That is down to them though. Dh confronted them over why they spend all their free time and energy into seeing his sister above everyone else and they said "because she's our daughter." His brother still goes round to see them as much as he can, but dh has given up now. It was all so one-sided. When I was on maternity leave and desperate for some support/company, dh asked them to come and visit but they came up with excuses every time.

[humanfemale]

There's truth in it for us, I think.

DH's parents are lovely people but show marked favouritism towards his sister and her kids over us.

It makes me sad. My mum was abusive and I don't see her any more and my dad is pretty distant. Would love to see my PIL more often but the effort mainly comes from us, while they bend over backwards for my SIL and her family :/

[Madeyemoodysmum]

I think it Boils down to the sons wife too Or if the son has the balls to put his foot down with said wife.
Seen it in my own family and that marriage has broken down now.

[WhooooAmI24601]

Nope exact opposite here; DH is super-close to MIL (FIL died when he was 9 so that probably has a part to play in their closeness) and I'm not particularly close to my own parents. We see more of my Dad than we do of my Mum (they divorced when I was 18) and I would say I'm much closer to my Dad, the DCs are too, but no truth in that saying here.

[BlueSunGreenMoon]

The situation with your in-laws sounds the same as mine, humanfemale.

[angryladyboobs]

Yeah. Much closer to my family then his.

[1stDinkyDecker]

I think it's a load of tosh tbh. Geography would probably make any grandchildren closer to paternal grandparents in our family. I accept this as that is where their life is.

[Spudlet]

Ds is sitting on FiLs lap right now, having stories read to him. I hope he'll be equally close to both my parents, and DHs dad (sadly, his mum recently passed away). DH is a good son to his dad (and was to his mum), although his family isn't as close as mine, whereas my family is very close but we live a long way away from them so aren't as enmeshed on a day to day basis.

All depends on individual circumstances, I think.

[SkyBluePinkToday]

The other double standard here is that my DM does not expect anything from my 2 DBros. She never says a word to them about anything. But she thinks nothing of having a go me when I do not not do what she expects/deserves/is ENTITLED to. I do far more for her than they do, but I get treated as if I am the one doing nothing. Really, really pees me off.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

I think some of it comes down to expectations. People who don't expect their sons to remember Birthdays or make an effort end up with sons who just are unable to make an effort as adults. My FIL sees cards/contact as woman's work so never made an effort with my DH and left it to various wives and now has hardly any contact with us as a family. My MIL makes an effort and in return I do too but she never expects me to be the main one in charge of cards/gifts/contact

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Of course it's s generalism with plenty of exceptions; but on a whole that saying came about for a reason. Ive seen it time and time again through different generations in my own family and others.

Also a lot of my friends are terrified of upsetting their daughters in laws in a way that they just aren't with their sons in laws.

[mags2024]

There is only my sister ( 8yrs my junior ) and myself left from my family. My husband's family is large but we are all different and now the matriarch is 97 we don't have large gatherings.
My son met a german lady at boarding school ( who came to improve her english for a year and then went back to germany to finish her studies) 12years ago and they are marrying in Germany this september before going to OZ for a year or two. Her parents are teachers and visit every bloody holiday as daughter and son work in the UK. The job my son and partner do is very demanding ( we are similar ) and so we don't see them often as we know they don't see their friends often and don't want to get in the way. Thanks to Brexit l do feel l am loosing my son not gaining a daughter. She refuses to take British citizenship, despite going to school here for several years and coming back to university to train, and my son says if she isn't welcome in UK he will leave permanently.

[simiisme]

I think it depends very much on the people involved. My husband's Mum is lovely. She's always been wonderfully welcoming and warm with me. We're very close. The other DIL is not easy and not affectionate.
My Mum was really hard work, but my hubby showed her infinite patience and was very kind. She ended up loving him to bits.

[MapMyMum]

My ILs use it as an excuse to not bother with my dh, really pisses me off

[museumum]

Well I'm closer to my parents than my MIL and dh is closer to his mum than my parents.
However as dh and I share parenting and family visits and present buying and whatnot ds is equally as close to all his GPs and his great-gp on dh's side.

If dh was uninvolved in parenting then his family would see ds less.

[Maireadplastic]

I have three sons so I hope not. Someone asked if we minded never walking a daughter down the aisle or doing 'girly' things.... I look at my husband's sisters- one who is married to a woman and was horrified when in her teens she started her periods, the other is very similar so not at all the stereotypical girlie girls.

Luckily these days, the more enlightened among us are not so fixated on gender and sexuality. A child is a child.

[AlexRose5]

Ladymariner that made me chuckle lol

OP! I HATE that saying as much as I hate that rhyme about little girls being made of sugar and spice and boys being made of snips and snails?!
I have three sons, so I find it offensive for obvious reasons
I'm personally not very close to my family , and up til Xmas when we had a fall out (only one in seven years mind you ) I was far closer to my husbands mum than my own ...
so it's definitely not an exact science .

[Clandestino]

Not true, partly because my father is a narcissist gobshite and has always treated my brother as some kind of a competition, totally insane. Fortunately it caused my brother to grow up NOT wanting to be like my father so that's a saving grace. So my Mum went into a kind of a protective mode with him. I used to have a strained relationship with my Mum due to interference from my father's family but that's sorted now, which is good and we get along better than ever.
As a result we all naturally gravitate towards my Mum even though we all have our own families. She doesn't meddle and has the best relationship with her sons and daughter in law.

[Bobbi73]

I have two boys and I hope it's not true. My older brother sees my mum every week so I have hope...

[Jessikita]

It's true in me and my Husband's case. He is a lot closer to my family than his own. But it's not because he was born a boy. It's because his Mother does just not give a shit about him! She hasn't seen our kids for 3 months again. She's just not interested in anyone but herself.

[secretnutter]

It's the opposite in my family!! I'm closer to my MIL than my DM and my brother is very close to DM! All depends on your own family dynamics and personalities I think