A son finds a wife, a daughters for life?

[Flapjack30]

I think that's how the saying goes, or something along those lines.

AIBU to wonder if there's any truth in this?

I know many families where the couple are closer to the maternal grandparents, that's not to say there aren't cases where it's the other way around, it's just I definitely know of many many more couples where they are much closer to the maternal side and have a much more distant relationship on the paternal side.

Do you think there is truth to this? Or is my personal experience with those around me not representative of reality.

[DavidYucke]

I can see that this is true in my circle of friends and family. But in my family the relationship between sons and parents often is full of conflict and very complicated.

[BeaveredBadgered]

Depends on the relationship with the parent. I don't get on well with my mother (my husband just about managed but doesn't enjoy being around her) but both DH and I get on very well with MIL so not true in our case.

[biginjapan]

I think it's a lot to do with the fog (fear, obligation and guilt) conditioned into women in our society. I have 3ds, and I hope I won't and haven't put any constraints on them (the way my dm has with me) to be obliged to look after me/call me/see me a certain amount. It's the best way to ensure that they might want to...

[corythatwas]

Not in my experience.

I am the one who has emigrated and live a long way away from family; my 3 brothers all very close to our parents, 2 of them live nearby and do a lot for them, especially youngest brother who lives in the same building (though separate households) with his family. We all love them very much and keep in regular contact.

Dh does not have any sisters but he and his brother were close to his parents, and older brother and SIL visited MIL every day during her last years. We were further away but visited as often as possible. I loved them very much.

I don't think either family has ever had the idea that sofr skills, keeping in touch, are "wifework".

[GloriaGilbert]

As others have mentioned, it is the women who carry the bulk of the childcare arrangements so inasmuch as they are closer with their own mothers, they will tend to see more of their parents as they start their own families.

[starsinspring]

If there is no difference between men and women and how they form relationships, why do so many men walk out on their children compared to women? Genuinely asking.

[AndHoldTheBun]

STilldrivingmebonkers... I came on to post the same thing.

Studies have suggested there is a genetic basis for this. Grandmothers (subconsciously), may favour the children of their daughters over the children of their sons. The daughters Children are definitely her grandchildren (baring rare instances of baby swapping), whereas there a significant chance the sons children may have been fathered by someone else, and therefore not carry the grandmothers genes.

Awful of course, and a but worrisome for me (4 DSs).

[newbian]

I've never understood why women can simultaneously love their husbands and fathers, but for some reason it seems like men are frequently made to "choose" on some level between their wives and mothers.

I know hardly any men who have conflict with their FILs whereas I'd say at least two-thirds of my friends (especially since having children) have conflict with their MILs.

[ALemonyPea]

I hate hate hate this saying. I have three sons and find it insulting. My mam says it to me all the time, and we argue about when she does.

[witsender]

We see my parents more as we live closer, but we are equally emotionally close to my MIL. She had 4 boys, of which dh is the youngest, they're all very close. She moved to the same village as the oldest when their father died, another drives over bi-weekly for lunch etc. She is having a health scare at the moment and they are all taking it in turns to go to appts with her, stay with her while she recovers, she hasn't had a day in hosp without a visitor despite it being hours from each of them.

I really respect how close they all are, and love my Mil, as do the kids.

[Stormwhale]

The families where this is not true in my experience are ones where the husbands family have made a big effort to become close with the daughter in law. I think generally men seem to make less effort with their family than women, but not always. I have a friend who's mother in law calls her her daughter, and they all go on holiday together, and spend lots of time together. I think if the mil does not click with the dil then they will be less likely to be close.

[TheNaze73]

Good point newbian, very thought provoking & very true when you read the number of Mil threads on here

[starsinspring]

I don't think it's just that stormwhale. I think DILs often take the view the man "has his own family now."

[luckylucky24]

Its utter bollocks. We live closer to my inlaws so naturally see them more often but my DH speaks to his mum most days. I speak to mine about once a week if that.

[Lottie991]

I don't really believe in that to be honest, I think if you show interest and lots of love to your children in their lives they will always want you around no matter what their sex.
Some people have kids and then don't care once they get older.
I also think welcoming your sons partners into the family also helps alot.
Alot of it is about effort and care.

[2rebecca]

I think it depends more on where you live. We live nearer my husband's parents than mine so see them more.
The saying was probably true when people didn't move and women didn't work.
I think once your kids grow up and get their own homes then they aren't really "yours".
I want my kids to be independent.

[Intransige]

I really don't like that saying. The overtones of possession ("takes" a wife etc), the implication that men only need one woman in their life or are emotionally only able to deal with one relationship, the implication that women are responsible for all social contact... I think it's similar to "boys will be boys", and very anti-male. It's ridiculous to suggest that men are incapable of staying close to their parents after they marry.

[GrumbleBumble]

starsinspring because society tells them it OK. We (as a whole) tell men its allowed " that's men for you" etc while women who leave their kids are "unnatural". Women often do have a closer bond because they are often the ones who do the childcare but if the shoe were on the other foot and we expected men to be primary carers it would the other way round.

[Laiste]

In my experience (and this is just my experience - i know it's not the rule) it's the women in the family who facilitate the general social flow more than the men (organising who's going where, when and with whom ect).

Within that dynamic and all it's extremes it's easy to see how on the whole the woman's own side of the family may end up more involved. Not an intentional thing - just a gradual slight thing which over time may grow into something noticeable.

When men and women's roles in society are truly equal this might disappear. While it's still women doing the bulk of childcare in society i don't think it will change.

[AceholeRimmer]

I'm close to my mum but so are my brothers. My DP is close to his mum but his sisters aren't. My inlaws are abroad but when we lived nearby they saw my kids the same amount as my mum.

[Buddah101]

I see in laws just as much as my own - I just get on bit better with inlaws as my own parents are so uptight and I find it a struggle and bit draining spending time with them.

My aunt has 3 boys who are all married, she often is out with her dil's and has just gone on holiday with 2 dil's and their mums. Its nice they don't leave her out because of some poem that was written years ago.

It just spends on the individuals I think, dp is much closer to his parents than I am to mine.

[Lifegavemelemons]

Not in my experience.

I am very close to my exMIL and even I was married to her son we were closer as a family to that side than mine. They are just a huge inclusive, lovely, group of people who enjoy doing things together. My ddad happily let himself get swept up into that but not my mother. She wasn't comfortable in big groups, neither of my parents families were close.

[ASqueakingInTheShrubbery]

Not true in our family. We spend roughly equal time with my parents and ILs. DH will pop in to see his parents after work sometimes, he used to visit his Nan often, and both are equally close to DD. It's fair to say I call my mum first if there's a childcare emergency or if I want something, but that's because it's my mum and I have more of a licence to take the piss.

[LastGirlOnTheLeft]

I have worked really hard to encourage my DH to have a relationship with his mother but he just isn't interested. She is a lovely woman but he is happy to exchange emails at Christmas and that is it. Whereas I see my mum at least twice a week.

My uncle and aunt had three sons, no daughters, and they all moved overseas, leaving them alone. I can't help but wonder if a daughter would have done things differently. I do think there is a lot more truth to this saying than people like to admit.

[QuietNameChange]

We're rather close to DH's parents.

But seeing as we were London based for most of the time of our relationship and therefore lived rather close that isn't a surprise.

Considering that my family lives in central Europe we are probably remarkably close to them.

I'm curious to see how this develops when we move back to the UK, but this time to Scotland....

But I must admit, I think we get along better with my part of the family. Mostly because my part seems to really like DH and probably see them as one of their own. (Although my father did give him a very hard time initially. He thought I'd end up with another woman and was rather happy about that, I suspect. And then he had to wrap his head around his only daughter being with a man...)



However, and I'm probably echoing what some posters already said... I think DH feels much less obligated to his family. I mean, I love my family so it's usually no hardship in my case. But not mantaining a lot of contact would make me feel very guilty. Writing cards, e-mails, skyping etc... I do these things really often.
DH doesn't really feel this way towards his family. I'm not sure how much of this is cultural or more of a man/woman thing.
Also because I felt like I really needed my mother's and half-sister's support when I was pregnant... A need DH apparently didn't feel this way.