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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

354 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:28

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 25/03/2017 03:34

I might be wrong but if she's still his wife the she's his next of kin (although children may trump that) and so would be the one to make any and all medical decisions should they arise (resuscitate etc) and automatically inherit everything.

If nothing else you need to get the house in your name too and wills drawn up. I'd be making it clear in no uncertain terms what his lack of action puts you and the kids in danger of and ask him what is more important to him?

sofato5miles · 25/03/2017 03:34

What's his will say?

And i am a bit Shock that you have two children with a man who hasn't divorced his first wife for SIXTEEN years.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:38

He has no will! I don't know why I've let it go but I have brought it up many times over the years but there's always been an excuse as to why he can't divorce her.

I worry about my children's security.

OP posts:
londonrach · 25/03/2017 03:40

16 years and dc and house in his name. Yes very worried. She get the house. Why isnt he divorced. Whats his excuse. You need to protect yourself here.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:43

How do I do that?

OP posts:
antimatter · 25/03/2017 03:44

Rubbish! She must have applied for permanent residency by now or she would have been deported by now.

He just can't be bothered to do it.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:46

That's pretty much what I think. Can't get him to understand how shit it makes me feel.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 25/03/2017 03:48

He presents the none divorce as fait accompli so you sit him down and say in that case here's what needs to happen...
First stop see a solicitor to ensure you are legally next of kin and house is in both your names. Hopefully the solicitor will have explain how complicated he's making things and problematic it will be if he dies still married to her.

If he kicks off a fuss then you just remain calm and tell him, he's entitled to put her residency first if he chooses but you are not putting your security second

Happyfeet1972 · 25/03/2017 03:49

Oh dear OP that is bat shit . As his wife I think she would have rights above his children. In the meantime I would suggest getting the house put in your name too as that is likely to be a quicker process than divorce. Although clearly he needs to divorce her too.

Tbh I'd be fuming just over the fact he is choosing to be married to someone else and what that means about our relationship. But the fact he's willing to put you and your children at risk should he die takes it to a whole new level of wrong.

MimiSunshine · 25/03/2017 03:49

Oh and stop making it about (your) feelings and instead about cold hard facts that he can't ignore or try to brush off

choli · 25/03/2017 03:52

The time to think about this was before having two kids. There must have been some reason you decided to let it slide for so long.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:54

Unfortunately I have bad credit so he doesn't want my name on the mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:57

I thought he was going to divorce her but he has just made excuse after excuse and tbh I didn't realise that she would have rights over me to our house until after our first dc was born.
Very naive of me!

OP posts:
Veterinari · 25/03/2017 04:36

She has rights over your home, finances and thus the security of your children. She also has the right to make medical decisions for your DP

Do you and your children really mean so little to him that he won't secure your futures?

MMM3 · 25/03/2017 04:43

I...can't...even. This can't be real.

SSYMONDS · 25/03/2017 04:51

Sometimes people can't hear you until you shock them into it. Book an appointment with a solicitor to make a will, and a couple therapist to discuss the marriage situation. Tell him you won't do a single thing with him or for him until he comes- and mean it. Tell him it makes you concerned he doesn't love you and you are considering leaving. You have to completely change gear else he will coast along like this and one day his ex wife's kids will inherit your house.
He obviously has some guilt and feels bad about it so he is avoiding dealing with it. He's pushing any negative feelings onto you, so you become the unreasonable one going on about it.
You need to stand up for yourself here, he might be a good man, but this aspect of his behaviour is completely out of order. It won't change unless you change.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 25/03/2017 04:52

I can see why he wouldn't want to divorce his wife, especially if they're on good terms and/or they have children together. The UK isn't particularly welcoming to foreigners these days, sadly.

She needs to sort out her right to remain though. And he needs to ensure that you and your children have security should anything happen to him. How long has she lived in the UK? This may have an impact on her ability to stay here although again, this is her problem to sort out.

MoreThanUs · 25/03/2017 04:56

I wouldn't be able to sleep properly until this was sorted. You had greater leaverage before having his children and being his live in partner for 16 years, but you need to act asap. Even just picking up a will from WHSmith and getting him to fill it out would be an interim measure while you get this sorted. Will is needed immediately and then divorce. If it's not contested it can be done largely online and very cheaply.

HeadDreamer · 25/03/2017 05:32

But it isn't your house. You keep saying it but it's not true is it? It's only in his name.

donajimena · 25/03/2017 05:36

Are you paying towards the mortgage?

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 25/03/2017 05:38

Op has been contributing to the mortgage, even if indirectly. So morally she should have a share of it. Legally of course she doesn't

munchkinmaster · 25/03/2017 05:39

You don't need to be on the mortgage to be in the deeds.

But even then. If something happened to him, she'd still get his half. You need wills.

DontBeBlueBeARainbow · 25/03/2017 05:43

She must have indefinite leave to remain else they'd be getting together every 2-3 years to extend her stay - is that what they're doing?

If she's been here 16 years she would have no problem applying for indefinite leave to remain, with him or without.

So this can't be the reason...must be something else.

Good advice above, as you both and the kids get older this gets more and more urgent so don't wait too long.

ScarletFever · 25/03/2017 05:43

Jesus christ... you have no security at all

If he died she'd get everything...

floraeasy · 25/03/2017 06:00

What a tangled mess you're in, OP.

The trouble is, having had two children with your DP, you've been sending him the message that you've been okay with this over the years, despite what you may be saying to him to the contrary.

How to get him to take you seriously? I really don't know.

I wonder why he's more interested in preventing her being deported (I doubt that's even true) than he is about his current partner and children?