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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

354 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:28

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

OP posts:
ZombieApocalips · 25/03/2017 08:44

My ex has a life insurance policy that pays out to me. It's enough to cover several years of maintenance payments which will maintain the children's standard of living should the worst happen.
His gf is a high earner and childless so he's named the kids as beneficiaries of his pensions as they are financial dependents. I think that it would be perfectly reasonable to ask your dp to name you and the kids as beneficiaries to his pensions too.

pepperpot99 · 25/03/2017 08:44

He clearly doesn't want to get divorced and has been stringing you along.

pipsqueak25 · 25/03/2017 08:48

another scenario if the wife has citizenship in this country she could in effect divorce dp and the rug would be pulled.
i would say to you op, think about your long term future and that of your dc, 16 years is a long time but another 16 wondering and waiting for him to start a divorce [no incentive] or something to happen to him that is no life either, you need to get yourself sorted and think about moving out from a horrible situation and someone who doesn't seem to care about you / dc feelings or security.

Chinnygirl · 25/03/2017 08:52

Basically he is telling you through his actions that he doesn't care what happens to you and the kids after his death but he does care about what happens to his ex wife. I'd leave him over it but it's your choice.

jcne · 25/03/2017 08:52

Wow you should be very worried.. yes the house could be a major problem if he died..

UptheChimne · 25/03/2017 08:55

You are sleepwalking into disaster. If he dies intestate, then your children and his wife have inheritance rights. You have none.

There is no such thing as a "common law" marriage in English law.

Ultimatum time.

GuinefortGrey · 25/03/2017 09:03

Get him to take out a Life Insurance policy naming you as the Beneficiary immediately. It is quick and easy to do online and the monthly payments are usually not too high even for a decent amount of cover. This will at least give you (and your children) some financial security by way of a lump sum should anything happen to your DP whilst everything else is being sorted out. Will/deeds/divorce etc will obviously take time to sort out but this is something you can do immediately.

carabos · 25/03/2017 09:07

He doesn't want a divorce because he knows he'll have to agree a financial settlement. He doesn't want a divorce because he knows he'll then have to explain why he doesn't want to marry the OP. If he dies it doesn't matter to him what happens. If he dies today the wife will get everything and any children she has will benefit whether they are his OR NOT.

Every day this goes on makes it worse. What a mess.

Bluwilllowtree · 25/03/2017 09:09

I split up with my (now dh) when my son was one because I had no rights over the house as at the time we wernt married, left me in a very vunrable position and I felt awful so insecure I could lose everything any moment! I refused to move back with him unless we were married or I had rights over the house! I'm now very happy and very secure.

Whocansay · 25/03/2017 09:10

Surely his wife is still entitled to half his assets on divorce?

This is a horrible mess. But no, he clearly doesn't want to be married to you.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 25/03/2017 09:11

I'm still legally married to my Ex. Mainly because he's delightfully refusing, can be as tight as a ducks arse with money when he wants to be and I cant afford to yet. We've been very much separated for a good five years. (Can't get a divorce in legal aid anymore and he's very clever in how he behaves (i.e on the rare occasions he kicks off he never does TOO much so doesn't trigger an NMO) but that's another thread altogether).

After sixteen years though? Sorry OP hes taking the piss. So is she by the sounds of it.

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/03/2017 09:12

There is a recent thread on here "do you think people should marry before having children" and this is an extreme example of the difficulty women are faced with when not married to the father of their children.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position OP. See if you can get a will in place at the very least. If things are bad generally perhaps start getting your ducks in a row to leave, work out your entitlements and start saving for a rental deposit. Do you work? If not I think you need to get a job asap. Good luck OP.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 25/03/2017 09:15

Why would you want to get married or tie yourself to a joint mortgage if your relationship is poor.

Better to walk away and buy your own house.

Hulder · 25/03/2017 09:16

Her being 'next of kin' for medical decisions is bullshit.

If your DPlacked capacity to make his own medical decisions, doctors would ask those close to him what they think he would have wanted. They are not going to ask the wife he hasn't been with for 16 years, they are going to ask the partner he lives with.

Next of kin for medical purposes is a myth.

However, yes if he dies without making a will, his wife and children will inherit and you will have diddlysquat.

Take him to a solicitor for advice and get him to face facts. After 16 years separated, divorce would be easy, her residency is frankly her problem, and I doubt she would be entitled to much given the length of separation and no children.

greenworm · 25/03/2017 09:17

Living abroad, I know couples who have split but remained married because one of them needs to for visa/residency purposes.

But it's always been as a short, fixed-term agreement until they can sort out their residency rights on their own terms. Like a few years max.

It's ridiculous to just stay married indefinitely with no plan in place!

What's needed here is research:

  • what would happen if your DP died, who would inherit his assets
  • what would happen if you split, would you and the DC be entitled to anything except maintenance
  • what would happen if he became seriously ill: who would be his next of kin to make decisions about him

Plus your DH needs to research:

  • is his wife really still living in the UK in some sort of spouse's visa, and what would she need to do to get citizenship in her own right

Get googling, find proper answers with proof to back you up, and sit down with your DH and make a PLAN asap.

Note3 · 25/03/2017 09:17

NotMrscookie - you can send your x a letter stipulating you are ending the joint tenancy and now hold the property as tenants in common. This would then enable you to will your share. Ideally you would arrange for a solicitor to send the letter but if you can't afford this then you could send it and get proof of postage on signed for delivery. Even if the person never confirms receipt you just need to show you sent the letter to the right place to ensure they received it.

HiMyNameIsUnknown · 25/03/2017 09:18

It doesn't make sense she could still be in the U.K. Based on being married to him. If her Visa was dependent on him she would need to submit documents about him in support of her application,

You need to protect yourself & kids. Legally she is his next of kin. It doesn't make sense that in sixteen years he hasn't found money to sort this legally! What is making you push this now and why have you now pushed it before?

Buck3t · 25/03/2017 09:22

I feel for you OP. I was born when my dad was still married. My mum put me first. Shouldn't have dated him in the first place is my opinion. But anyhoo. The fact is once children are a part of the picture you no longer matter. YOU need to do what's right for them. NOW. Get off MN and sort yourselves out. PS: he might be into you but not enough to do the right thing.

PPS: if you don't have a job, get one.

ovenchips · 25/03/2017 09:26

What is his wife's situation? Is she single, in a couple/ has children with someone else? If she has also moved on, then can't understand why she hasn't sought a divorce either. Is it purely a UK residency issue?

You need proper legal advice about the whole situation as you and your children are v vulnerable. It's an intolerable situation IMO.

EnormousTiger · 25/03/2017 09:27

Note, she does not own the house and is not on the deed or mortgage (and has a poor credit rating so would not get put on the mortgage unfortunately) and as she is not married cannot register a spouse's right over the matrimonial home either.

She might be best advised to get a high paid full time job and buy a property in her name once credit rating sorted out so that she is amassing some property capital before the split as they get on so badly.

If they did split up now then whilst the children are under 18 there may be some right to stay in the husband's home under the Children Act.

On the divorce from the only and first wife who is Japanese in England (not Scotland) finances are sorted out at date of divorce - not - not separation 16 years ago. So probably the Japanese wife would get half the equity in the current house and her husband the other half. The live in partner here has no right to that equity unless she has been paying the mortgage which looks unlikely.

If the male partner were to die without a will then the Japanese spouse gets the first £250k of the estate (and of course her half of the house - in fact if they hold the house as joint tenants (the term has nothing to do with tenancies) then his half automatically goes to her on his death. The man probably has no more than £250k assets here so the children would get nothing. They might then have a right to go to court under a 1975 Act if they are under 18 and make a bit of a claim.

What the man could do now is make a will in favour of his children (even if he won't in favour of his live in partner). Secondly he should as part of the same process "sever the joint tenancy" with his wife so that he can leave his half of the house to whoever he likes - that involves filling in a simple form and sending to the Land Registry. They can buy a will form today and do the Land Registry thing. Those 2 things can be done by Monday if the man will play ball - all that means is his children are protected if he dies. He could also take out a life insurance policy as indeed the poster could to protect her partner if she were to die and she should make a will too - this is not all one way. I was the much higher earner and I am female so let us not be sexist about all this. I would never marry again as I don't want any of my house or assets to go to a partner or spouse, just 100% to the children.

If divorce would mean the Japanese wife is thrown out of the UK then they could go for a judicial separation - used by those who won't divorce on religious grounds but otherwise just as final with financial orders and the like. I think that probably does not have the same immigration implications - an immigration lawyer would be able to advise on that.

If all else fails today's papers are full of attempts by the Japanese to get people to live on their remote islands (4000 islands I think) where populations have halved and neighbouring countries want to take them over!

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 09:40

Ok, so thanks for all the replies apart from the ones calling me stupid!

I am 50 years old, my dcs are 13 and 10. I only work 14 hours a week. I was married before meeting my dp.

I've don't particularly want to marry my dp but I don't want him to remain married to his wife. He has no contact with his ex, I think she's happy to be rid of him. When they split she gave him his contribution to their house. He has no pension, no will and I don't think he even has life insurance. He is a huge procrastinator.

I have had a lot of major stress over the years with my 30 yo ds who has bpd, prescription drug addiction, gambling addiction and self harms severely and has overdosed on many occasions so my dp's marriage has taken a back seat in between all the stress. I suffer from anxiety and depression also.

To those of you saying I'm fucked, yes I think I am.

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 25/03/2017 09:40

whatever else happens op, please get some legal advice a.s.a. p

1horatio · 25/03/2017 09:43

First of all: You are in a rather insecure position.

Do you have an exit package? A "nest egg"?

I'm sorry, but this sounds really really fishy.

My personal advice would be to definitely refrainf rom rocking the boat before you're financially secure.

Sorry. Good luck.

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 09:44

I live in Scotland.

OP posts:
1horatio · 25/03/2017 09:45

I only work 14 hours a week
To those of you saying I'm fucked, yes I think I am.

No, you're in a better position than many SATM in similar positions.

Can you work more hours?