To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

[Kaylasmum49]

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

Can you increase your hours at work OP? I would start looking at your benefit entitlements if you were to split and work out the level on maintenance you would get.

I think your best way out of this is to become self sufficient (especially as the relationship sounds as if it's on it's last legs anyway) that was whatever happens with/to your DP you and your children will have an income and won't be homeless.

You're not fucked OP. It's not the best of situations, but it's not unfixable.

A lot of MNers love to come on and catastrophise about others' lives, often whilst spouting ill informed legal and relationship advice. IMO that is.

Atm I can't get any extra hours, I had some overtime lined up but my manager had to cancel it as our wages were overspent this month by 70 hours. I work in asda, have been with them for 25 years and have always worked part time. Full time contracts are few and far between.

I feel so ashamed that I didn't fully realise the financial implications of this to my children. So maybe those of you who called me stupid were spot on.

Don't beat yourself up OP. You're in the know now so now is the time to act.

Goodness OP, you've had a LOT on your plate.

But you know what? It's not all over. Forget the divorce as it sounds like that'll cost more than it's necessarily worth (but I'm not a lawyer). Focus on the house. You need your name in it. Or for him to sign half over to you now - just ideas, hopefully someone who knows Scottish law can help. But it's NOT over, it's NOT too late.

And what about ASDA? The good news here, I think, is that anything you earn is 100% yours. You've worked there for so long you are an asset and perhaps there's a training scheme you could go in to get a promotion/pay rise? Unlike younger people, they can be pretty certain you're not going to disappear too!

You have a small hand of cards, yes, but you still hold some.

It is one of my bug bears that there is so little awareness and education around rights/finances etc. out there. Lots of people have DC and become stay at home parents whilst unmarried and they just don't realise that this often puts them in quite a precarious position. I really think this stuff needs to be taught in schools.

What's done is done OP, no point beating yourself up about it. This happens to people all the time. What matters now is that you take some positive steps to change things. You have great work history so look for a full time job, that would be point number 1 for me. Make an appointment with CAB, explain everything, see what benefits you would be entitled to. Start saving your own nest egg now so you have some money if your own. You can definitely sort this if you start making some changes now. Good luck.

There are other employers, I'd be taking every step possible to secure my children's future and working just fourteen hours isn't enough by far.

He's obviously got faults but at present is the one actually providing for them.

If it's truly about lack of money re the divorce surely you would have upped your hours a long time ago and contributed more.

I think being in Scotland may change some of the finances for divorce. AFAIK its the assets up to the date of separation which count in Scotland not the assets at the date of divorce. I'm also fairly sure the amounts for Prior Rights have changed too (in favour of the wife), so you definitely need legal advice. THe next bit is from the Morton Fraser and Milligan website:

For deaths on or after 1 February 2012, spouses and civil partners of a deceased person are entitled to the following Prior Rights on intestacy:

a dwelling house in which the surviving spouse or civil partner lived up to the value of £473,000 (an increase from £300,000);
furniture and furnishings in that dwelling house up to a maximum total value of £29,000 (an increase from £24,000); and
a payment of a cash sum of £50,000 if the deceased also had children or £89,000 if the deceased did not have children (increases from £42,000 and £75,000 respectively).
Therefore, the total entitlement for spouses and civil partners has increased to £552,000. Children can then claim their Legal Rights but this is only to the moveable estate (i.e. all assets except the house) which is left after the satisfaction of the above Prior Rights and is only a one third share between all of the deceased’s children where there is a surviving spouse or civil partner. As the majority of estates are likely to fall short of the new Prior Rights limits, not having a Will could prove disastrous for your children, particularly if your spouse is not their parent.

Don't feel ashamed. I got myself into a not dissimilar situation because I trusted my ex and thought he'd never fuck me over. Naive maybe, but (for example) how many married women give up work entirely to be SAHMs and utterly reliant financially on their spouse? How many women find themselves stuffed after having to bail their husbands out of debt to avoid losing their home? Marriage brings security, but it's not a cast iron guarantee that all will be fair if the shit hits the fan.

We all take leaps of faith, and sometimes they don't work out.

Not stupid, just ill informed and running on hope not facts. Understandable. We all like to believe those we love and live our daily lives with would always do their best by us.

Sadly that doesn't always happen and it's very upsetting when the reality of a partner becomes clear.

It's also completely understandable that you've sleep walked into this situation because your daily life is so hard. Dealing with the dramas unfolding right now in the present can end up occupying your whole heart and mind. I totally get this (I do this, ahem!).

Don't feel bad about yourself. Feel really good that you know now and you have the power and strength inside you to make some changes to protect yourself. It's great that you are thinking what to do, not just giving up and carrying on letting him do this to you. That means that somewhere in there you're tough, and clever. Think on that. Don't do yourself down as you sound like life (mostly partner?) has done a number on your self confidence anyway.

You need info so you can work out what to do: so your first step is finding out some facts from online and perhaps CAB?

www.gov.uk/make-will

If your partner dies then his wife will get widows benefit for a year not you plus his house and cash. Then when she dies her family will inherit your partner's estate not your children.

This is the reason why I don't believe in having children and buying property before getting married. It's because the woman is always ripped off, not for any religious reasons, although society passes it off as a liberating thing. It really isn't particularly after reading the op's situation.

I live in Scotland

www.gov.scot/Publications/2005/12/05115128/51285

A surviving spouse or civil partner and children are entitled to certain "legal right" out of the deceased person's moveable estate. In Scots law, heritable property means land and buildings, while moveable property includes such things as money, shares, cars, furniture and jewellery.

Please see a solicitor ASAP. Knowledge is power. You can make plans when you know what's what. There IS a way out of this mess and you will find it. The MNers are fantastic - such a knowledge base - and will hold your hand.

It is one of my bug bears that there is so little awareness and education around rights/finances etc. out there. Lots of people have DC and become stay at home parents whilst unmarried and they just don't realise that this often puts them in quite a precarious position. I really think this stuff needs to be taught in schools.

Yes, definitely.

Anyhow, OP., There are other companies...?

Could you start looking for work?

As the majority of estates are likely to fall short of the new Prior Rights limits, not having a Will could prove disastrous for your children, particularly if your spouse is not their parent

That's the first thing I thought. It seems like children in blended family could be really screwed over by the Scottish system (at least from what I read in your comment, madcap)

I feel so ashamed that I didn't fully realise the financial implications of this to my children. So maybe those of you who called me stupid were spot on

No you're not stupid, OP. Please don't say this.

I've done some stupid things, so have you and so have others but that does not make US stupid.

When you know better, you can do better.

You need to build on your self-esteem. If you suffer depression or anxiety, please start getting treatment for it. Look after your health - eat well, get exercise and daylight and plenty sleep.

You need to be strong to change your life, but you CAN do this.

People are deported having lived here for decades, Dont

They are, but not simply because a marriage has ended when they already have Indefinite Leave to Remain. Which it would be highly unusual for her not to have after 16 years, if she came here as a spouse. Under the old rules, you only had to do 2 years as a spouse before getting ILR. There wasn't even an English language test until a few years ago!

If divorce would mean the Japanese wife is thrown out of the UK then they could go for a judicial separation - used by those who won't divorce on religious grounds but otherwise just as final with financial orders and the like. I think that probably does not have the same immigration implications - an immigration lawyer would be able to advise on that.

Unless he's an EU national, yes it does. If you want to get further leave as a spouse under the Immigration Rules, the relationship has to be ongoing and subsisting. Even then, she'd have acquired permanent residence by now so it isn't that.

I cannot imagine, based on the information given, that separation would have any impact on her immigration status after she has been in the country 16 years. If it were, she'd have to have been applying for new spousal visas every two years, with his full connivance and lots of documents proving they still live together, and for some reason still never have got Indefinite Leave to Remain.

Nah.

As for OP, I don't think you're necessarily fucked. You will be if he falls under a bus tomorrow.

You need to insist on a will being made immediately. Before starting divorce proceedings even, because that can take months. And ensure you're the beneficiary of any life insurance/pensions. If he won't do that, next week, I'd be questioning my future in this relationship.

You're not stupid. You were just ignorant. You've plenty of company on that one. This isn't the first MN thread from someone who's been living with a man who's still married and has no will.

But you will be exceptionally stupid if, now you know, you still do nothing. Protect yourself and your kids, and look for more work too.

Try not to stress OP, it's easy for us to say you should have thought about this 16 years ago but it is what is now.

It sounds like he doesn't want you on the deeds / mortgage as he sees it as his alone. How much have you contributed to it, did you put anything into buying it? Not necessarily deposit but did you pay towards searches / solicitors fees etc, do you contribute to the mortgage?

If so then you have a right to be on it and if be insisting on it, if he won't then stop paying anything and start saving.

Oh and my credit rating was really less than stellar when we bought our house (honestly we were turned down because of it) but we went to a broker and he got us a mortgage with one if the big four banks and it was fine so all is not lost on that front. I would have thought that a remortgage should be less problematic and it may just be that you don't get as good a rate as the current one.

Get a basic credit card, put £50 a month on it and pay it off in full every month and you'll soon be on the up as far as credit worthiness goes.

You need to get some proper legal advice sooner rather than later about what could happen if he was to die

I'd look to leave this relationship.

My love....please don't be hard on yourself...now you know the situation, it's what you do from now that's important...I'm sure most of us have had experiences in our lives that have made us open our eyes...kicking a person whilst their down isn't helpful...get legal advise asap....ensure the kids future entitlement is legally secure.... and then consider your relationship...from what you say, it seems like you know what to do...I wish you well😊

Rainbows, I buy all the food, clothes, pay the electric, house ins, etc. I think I am most definitely providing for my children!

Working full time would be incredibly hard for me as I have no childcare, both my parents are dead and have no one else to help with looking after them after school, holidays etc. My 10 yo and 13yo both have anxiety issues so I need to be around for them after school.

I didn't know how precarious a situation I was in until reading all these posts. What a mess, what a gullible fool I've been.

Why is your DP not providing any after school care for his children?

You're taking the lion's share of the childcare and limiting your own earning ability because of it. That's fine, when you're a team financially. You're not.

This is going to need to form part of your discussions with DP too. If he won't take steps to protect you by making a will, divorcing and marrying you or giving you a share in the house, then you'll need to do it yourself. This will require him to be around more after school.

I am a bit perplexed at this situation from the Japanese wife's perspective. You mention she paid your DP off when they split by giving him his share of their former home, which he then used to buy the one he currently lives in. I am confused as to why she would "settle" with him like this and then not get divorced from him. If she dies, your DP would be able to claim her estate.

I think you need to present your DP with hard facts, and if he's still not prepared to take action, I think you have to consider how to best protect yourself and your children.

'Working full time would be incredibly hard for me as I have no childcare, both my parents are dead and have no one else to help with looking after them after school, holidays etc. My 10 yo and 13yo both have anxiety issues so I need to be around for them after school.'

You're going to have to start working more, unless they are both on such high rates of DLA that you qualify for Carer's Allowance. You've been burying your head in the sand with regards to this relationship. Now you're facing that, that's good.

But you cannot keep doing that with regards to your finances because this man will not divorce his wife, or marry you.

And for people talking about 'civil partners' in Scotland, that means homosexual couples who have gone through this process (presumably before same sex marriage became legal in Scotland), not unmarried partner.

There is no common law marriage.

My dp gets home from work about 5pm. I work 2 evenings and a Sunday, he looks after the kids while I'm at work. If I worked full time I wouldn't be able to collect my ds from school or be home when my dd gets home from school.I love my job and don't want to go elsewhere.