To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

[Kaylasmum49]

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

Expat, how do you suggest that I work more? Who will be there for my kids after school?

I understand that this is difficult for you, I really do but (and I really mean this very gently) nothing will change unless you actually DO something.

You may not wish to work elsewhere but if ASDA can't give you what you need then you may need to I'm afraid, needs must and all that.

I suggest you make an appointment with CAB as a first step. Once you understand your entitlement to benefits you can take a proper view of things. Are you receiving help got your anxiety? Perhaps a trip to the GP would be helpful too so they can support you?

'Expat, how do you suggest that I work more? Who will be there for my kids after school?'

They are not babies. And you can pick up another job on weekends or during the day.

I can see however, that you don't want to.

I wish you luck, because this man won't divorce his wife and even if he does, he won't marry you.

And your relationship is rocky.

People have told you how precarious your situation is. This man can kick you out on a whim. Your 14 hours wouldn't do for even a tax credit claim, and if you're in Highland Council, you'll be put on UC and expected to seek out FT work unless your children get so much DLA you qualify for CA and even then, there will be expectation of obtaining more work. They won't give a toss if you want to be there for such old children after school.

The only major thing you can do to improve that, and that is in your power, is to work more so that you have more money, greater earning potential in the event of a split.

Carrying on as you are knowing how bad your financial situation is so you can be there after school for older children, whilst all the while knowing their situation could be utter rot if this man dies or throws you out.

Presumably there are after school clubs? But also there must be scope to increase your hours between 9 and 3 monday to friday?
As pp said you are not stupid. Naive perhaps. But stupid if you don't take urgent steps to sort this out immediately

If your kids have anxiety and need you there after school then could you look at some sort of counselling for them?

And in the meantime see if you can get hours 9-3 ?

They are not babies. And you can pick up another job on weekends or during the day.

I'm sorry, OP; but I have to agree. It seems like you were more or less a SATM for the last few years. But they aren't small children anymore....

People have told you how precarious your situation is. This man can kick you out on a whim. Your 14 hours wouldn't do for even a tax credit claim, and if you're in Highland Council, you'll be put on UC and expected to seek out FT work unless your children get so much DLA you qualify for CA and even then, there will be expectation of obtaining more work. They won't give a toss if you want to be there for such old children after school.

The only major thing you can do to improve that, and that is in your power, is to work more so that you have more money, greater earning potential in the event of a split.

I'm sorry OP, but yet again, I have to agree with everything expat said.

Sure, you don't seem to want to work more.... But this is pretty much the only thing you yourself can do to improve the situation for you and your children!

OP, there is no point beating yourself up over this now. What is done is done, the best course of action is to get this sorted as quickly as possible.

Your partner really needs to be getting a divorce, plus a will, life insurance and I don't know the intricacies of it but could you register an interest in the house if you're unable to go on the mortgage?

My dp gets home from work about 5pm. I work 2 evenings and a Sunday, he looks after the kids while I'm at work. If I worked full time I wouldn't be able to collect my ds from school or be home when my dd gets home from school.I love my job and don't want to go elsewhere.

Again, why are you working round DPs finishing times, and why can't he reduce his hours so you can work more? I hope you absolutely adore that job because you'd have to, to make it worth being in such a vulnerable financial position.

I'm not sure whether you actually understand your position at the moment. You are working fewer hours than him, limiting your earning ability and allowing him to earn more money than he would if he were doing half the childcare. He uses some of this money to pay off a house that is in his name only, and hasn't bothered making a will to protect you or even investigating whether he could divorce his wife without impact on her immigration status.

If he falls under a bus or dies of a heart attack tomorrow, the home you live in is highly likely to pass to his actual wife. You will be at her mercy. She could turn you and your kids out of your family home onto the streets before he's cold.

Meanwhile, you'd be supporting your now homeless kids on 14 hours a week and a few top ups. Which wouldn't include any working tax credits (unless you are in a UC area, but the conditionality is a bitch) or widowed parents payment.

My children are being assessed for young carers, my dd has been to cahms and my ds is has been referred there.

I have no problems with working, last year I was working 2 jobs until my anxiety hit me hard because of my adult ds. I worked 6 days a week. When I gave up the second job I managed to get extra overtime in asda and was working 30 hours a week but there are major cutbacks in my work just now and as I stated my overtime was cancelled.

I've spoken to my manager recently about the fact that my relationship was most likely going to end and she has told me that she can put me up to 16 hours so I would qualify for tax credits.

If anyone can tell me how I'm going to be able to work full-time and be able to be their for my kids I'd be very grateful. After school clubs only run until about 4pm so what would happen after that. My ds wouldn't be able to cope with after school clubs anyway.

I'm a lawyer btw. Solicitor with experience in the areas being discussed. Not in Scotland, but the immigration laws I mention are the same.

WHY CAN YOUR DP NOT TAKE AN EQUAL SHARE IN BEING THERE FOR THE KIDS AFTER SCHOOL?

Sorry if the capitals are rude. It needs to be spelled out to you, though. They're just as much his responsibility as yours.

OP don't beat yourself up but also please don't bury your head in the sand. Remember your DP could die tomorrow so now that you know you are in a precarious situation you need to act now

You mention you need to be there for the kids due to their anxiety issues. Are there after school clubs that they could attend allowing you to work a longer day? Do your store so any nightshifts, if so can you even be on a waitlist for that? You say you love your job, that's great but you are not earning enough. Lots of people don't love their job but finances come first. I would begin job searching now, ideally for one PT job to make that plus Asda up to FT. I'm imagining you get a staff discount so that may be sore to lose.

Sorry OP cross-posted re after school care

Why do you think my dp can lessen his hours? Who can do that just on a whim??

How do you figure out that I've been a sahm for the past few years? I'm still earning whether it's full time or not.

They are not babies! No they're not but they have anxiety issues and what is my 10 yo meant to do when I'm working? I wouldn't leave him on his own, he's scared to go upstairs to the toilet on his own.

To those of you who say I don't want to work, what utter crap! I have no problem working but I need to be there for my kids. I can't afford nannies and such like. I'm not skilled in any profession, the job I do is all I know.

At 13 and 10 they're old enough to stay home without supervision, working on homework or watching TV. The 13 year old could prepare meals too.

I am trying to envisage a situation in which I would have two children with a married man and failing
Reading your other threads I would say you need to start to take action as others have suggested-I was a single parent for a long time and worked full time-there are ways

You could look at a childminder who could pick them up from school maybe? In a couple of years your oldest child will be 15/16 presumably they could then look after themselves and the younger child at that point (their anxiety issues permitting)? Or you could find a full time job where you start early and work until say 2/3? DP could take the kids to school or you could look at a breakfast club.

I think it's important not to ASSUME anything in these sorts of situations. You seem to have assumed that childcare won't be possible in your situation. That is of course possible but it is much more likely that there is a solution out there. People do it so there must be ways it can be done.

Start looking as possibilities, start costing things. If full time really is impossible, how much could you manage? 20/25 hours seems like it would definitely be do-able?

These changes are going to be tough to make, no doubt about it.

But they are nothing to the stress and change you will all go through if DP walks out/dies.

Best to take control now while you have some say in the matter.

There is nighshift but I have back problems so can't do any heavy lifting. Even if I was able to do it who would look after my kids if I seperate from my dp?

Why do you think my dp can lessen his hours? Who can do that just on a whim??

Plenty of people, but even if he's not one of them, why are no possibilities other than both of your current jobs being considered? Why is his earning ability sacred and not yours?

I repeat, in this set up, you are doing the lion's share of childcare, to help pay for a house, that he doesn't care enough to make sure you get to live in after he dies. He could turf the three of you out tomorrow, or his wife could as soon as he dies, and you'd be able to do the square root of fuck all about it.

Your urge to protect your children shines out in every post. It's very clear you want the best for them. But that also involves consideration of financial, legal and employment issues too.

There is nighshift but I have back problems so can't do any heavy lifting. Even if I was able to do it who would look after my kids if I seperate from my dp?

Him.

"WHY CAN YOUR DP NOT TAKE AN EQUAL SHARE IN BEING THERE FOR THE KIDS AFTER SCHOOL?"

He isn't going to, he isn't the type - but the OP can leave him and convert this notional input into childcare into cash, which he would have to pay as child maintenance.

No way is this guy going to step up, to childcare or anything else. If the OP really wants to give him an ultimatum before she moves on, she can. He won't meet it though. She'd better be ready to move on (which she should).

OP, Elisaveta is right: while you look after your, and your husband's, children, you are pouring resources into family assets to which you have no rights. Stop doing that. Stop working for free because you cannot afford to.

If your anxiety (or any other health condition) prevents you from working, get help for that, and / or benefits.

If your dcs have health conditions that prevent you from working, get help for them.

You are an unmarried woman with dependent children. You are of working age. You do not have the support of a husband or the security of a marital home. Please understand this.

No way is this guy going to step up, to childcare or anything else. If the OP really wants to give him an ultimatum before she moves on, she can. He won't meet it though. She'd better be ready to move on (which she should).

Maybe. I was thinking best case scenario is he's completely ignorant of the legal situation, and once he finds out how fucked OP and his kids will be if he dies married and intestate, he'll scramble to do something about it. That he's just prevaricating on the divorce and using immigration as an excuse because he can't be arsed, or maybe that DW has spun him a line about immigration and he believes it.

OP do you think he knows that if he dies still married and with no will, the house will go to DW and you three will have no right to stay in it? If not, what do you think he would do if you told him? Would he be willing to go to a solicitor to make a will this week? Most high street ones will do them for aorund £100.

So you're clearly experienced in working in a supermarket, is there another one nearby that might be able to offer more hours? You definitely need to be prepared to work while the kids are at school and possibly a bit on top of that - your dp might need to apply for some kind of flexible working or you might need to get a childminder, friends and family to help but that's what many working parents do!

You seem to think you'd be neglecting your kids by working more hours. Instead you'd be making the future more secure for them and for you.