To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

[Kaylasmum49]

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

From when they were 10 and 8 they went to a childminder who was fantastic
My ex also had them a couple of nights
I did some work from home too
I had to change what I did

Your elder son can reapply for PIP - Maybe he could be talking to Citizens advice as well - you can apply within 13months of a refusal- does his menta health support team include a social worker? they can often access Benefits advice/support
You say you are his carer - if he his eligible then you maybe able to claim carers allowance -

I would apply for DLA for your children - yes it is hard and difficult to get but sounds like they do need extra support above the norm -

if they are at high school is there inclusion support there? at my ds school they inclusion/SEN team have 'homework club' where kids that need extra support can go rather than other after school clubs...or the library at school?
So on the days I cant get back for when he gets home he goes to that for an hour...Maybe a chat with the school on what they can do to help - or his new school if he moves up this year Secondary has been better in that regard for DS as they have more scope/space for support

Antigrinch, I'm getting ratty with the people that keep telling me that my dps wife is going to take everything and that I'll be fucked/ screwed etc. I don't really need that pointed out to me as I already know this.

I'm also pissed off that nobody seems to understand that it's just not that easy to increase my hours at work if the hours are'nt there, or that I won't consider leaving my 10 yo ds to fend for himself while I work, I wouldn't do that at that age regardless of any mental health issues. I have been attacked on this thread, been made to feel embarrassed, ashamed, stupid. Not nice when I already have low self confidence and spend my life feeling guilty about my choices. I joined mumsnet about 13 years ago and for the most part thought it to be a helpful and friendly site, I think otherwise now. I get the feeling that the majority that have posted on this thread are very career orientated, high earners and generally quite stuck up!

If I was to work 35 hours a week and my dp works his 40 hours I wouldn't be in any need for UC and most likely wouldn't be entitled to it anyway.

Averythinline, my ds has a social worker and a benefits advisor. He applied for DLA and was refused then they did a reconsideration and was refused again, then he went to appeal and they kept sending letters for my ds to my address instead of his and he ended up being too late for the appeal. If anyone should be awarded DLA then it's my ds. His life is awful, he's had severe issues since the age of 2. He's not happy and looks and acts nothing like the boy I used to know. It's heartbreaking! He was sent to 3 months in prison 2 years ago when he should have been sectioned. He's been to hell and back and his future looks bleak.

I will ask CAB about applying for DLA for my younger dcs but I really don't have any faith in the system.

Antigrinch, the only relevance my health issues has on my ability to work is if I have to leave my current employment to find a job with more hours, obviously I wouldn't be able to pick and choose what job I'd like to do so it maybe that I'd end up in a job that would exacerbate my health issues.

Last year I applied for a second job as a dinner lady at a local school, I went to the interview, my first in 24 years and as I left the building the interviewer came after me and offeret me the job right there. The reason I'm saying this is because of your post about what I should and shouldn't say when going to WA. I am a very able woman and will do what I need to do for my family. My children will always be my priority.

I'm also pissed off that nobody seems to understand that it's just not that easy to increase my hours at work if the hours are'nt there, or that I won't consider leaving my 10 yo ds to fend for himself while I work, I wouldn't do that at that age regardless of any mental health issues.

With respect, it wasn't about not understanding. It was about trying to explain that none of your totally reasonable, valid objections will make two shits of difference if this is implemented as planned. Unless, that is, you can find a way to get yourself out of the conditionality groups that will require you to accept more work if available and potentially spend a lot of time in the JC looking for it.

Hence, carers and DLA encouragement. Because honestly, I don't see how you're going to manage to live on 16 hours work, child benefit and whatever maintenance DP decides to give you. I have kept on about this because it's important. I don't have much faith either, but it's your best hope. I'm glad you will be consulting CAB.

As I said before, I'll stay with my dp if it's the only way I can manage financially and when my ds is about 14/15 and if his anxiety is under control then I can look to find more hours. I'll rely on overtime to bump up my income and the government can take their UC and shove it where the sun don't shine! I'm not going to have anyone tell me how to raise my children and force me not to be there when they need me. I'll manage because that's just what I do.

I'm utterly shocked at some of the comments I've had on here, no wonder the world's in the state it is.

Again, staying with your DP won't prevent you from having to meet conditionality if you want UC. It's not just for single parents.

I don't know what he is earning, but if you aren't earning a certain amount between you, you BOTH end up with conditionality. That's what I meant when I said about SAHPs earlier- not going to be a choice if you want UC, unless the WOHP earns enough.

I wish you the best with CAB. Hope they are able to help you with DLA.

www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/298186/response/730120/attach/4/Attachment%202%20Universal%20Credit%20Conditionality%20Earnings%20Threshold%20polic....pdf

If no restriction applies, default position is 35 x NMW- for each of you. That's 70 x £7.50 per week, which is £525. If not earning this between you, you're not above the level where you can't be expected to carry out work related activity.

I have no idea how any of this is going to work in practice, mind.

No-one here is to blame for the situation you find yourself in, or the decisions that the govt are making tbh. There are very few parents who are happy to have kids in childcare 12 hours a day, or have 'latchkey' kids or whatever but they do what has to be done. Wants don't come in to it sadly.

My partner works 40 hours per week and earns about 280 per week, I earn 110 per week. My contract is changing in October and my hourly rate will go from 7.50 to 8.50.

As I already said, if I work 35 hours per week I won't be in need of UC anyway. This is all designed to save the government money, yet they put second homes etc on their expenses, it's completely corrupt. And all the time the poor are getting poorer. I wonder how many of you are Tory supporters??

Witsender, have I said anyone is to blame for my situation? It's not about "wants" it's about what's best for my children, I am NOT going to jeopardise their wellbeing for anything. The very thought of any kids in childcare for 12 hours a day is utterly shocking, why have kids just to put them in childcare for that many hours. Unbelievable!

There is no easy answer to this farce that the government is causing especially when they are forcing ill and disabled people to work when they're not able. How many people have to take their lives before something is done about this.

So what are your plans?

My plans are to stay with my dp and help him organise his will and divorce. UC doesn't come into effect here until April next year so I'm not going to overly stress about it just now. I'm not going to be dictated to by the government, if I can get extra contracted hours at work then that'll be great and problem solved, if not I won't apply for UC and I will pick up overtime where I can and live within my means. Spending valuable time with my children doesn't cost a penny. When I deem my kids able to cope with me working full time then I will do what I can to find something suitable.

I live in a small town with a population of about 45000, there aren't an abundance of jobs here.

Ah, yes, the 'why have kids if you are going to put them in childcare?' comment. My ex MIL came out with that one when I went back to work, not that DD was in childcare 12 hours a day ever. I have to say the job and childcare place came in very useful when her son took up with an OW.

Not that I am commenting on your situation and choices, but the why have kids comment is NEVER made about men.

True...

Based on what you say OP about DPs earnings, you'd still have to deal with conditionality if you wanted to claim UC when it comes in. Even if you were still a couple. Hopefully you will be able to pick up extra hours and/or get DLA. I am rooting for you. And no, I'm not a Tory as it happens, not that my political views make any difference at all to this situation.

Cocoa, my comment is mainly because of the op who mentioned the 12 hours a day in childcare. Maybe that comment isn't made about men but I'm saying it from my point of few, I am the main caregiver where my kids are concerned, it's just how it is.

My parents split up when I was about 9, my sister and myself were brought up by my dad as my mum thought he would do a better job ( he did). He was disabled with ms, he was self employed as a painter and decorator and worked full-time until he was physically unable but he still made sure he was their for us, I don't remember at 9 year old having to let myself in after school. We were his main priority, we didn't have expensive holidays or lots of treats but we had an amazing childhood spending valuable time together, this is what I remember about my childhood, this is what I want for my children.

I realise about the conditionality, I've read about it but it is very confusing. I'm not really going to know how it will affect me until it comes in but I'm not going to spend the next year of my life worrying and stressing about it. Maybe in a years time my younger dcs will be in a better position to cope with me working more. Whatever happens I intend to make sure that my kids are happy and be there if they need me, when they need me.

I mean, you are addressing those on this post telling you about how things are, as if they are setting the policy. I agree with you about your childcare issues. But the policy makers, will see your desire to be at home more as a want. Whether any of us like it or not.

The crazy thing is I just did the universal credits calculator and if I work 35 hours I'm entitled to no UC at all, that means they won't be paying anything out to couples earning 70 hours, what's the point?

Witsender, I disagree with you, I know it's nobody's fault on here. It's the government to blame. I'm just sick of explaining to everyone how I'm not risking my children's wellbeing over this.

They will be in lots of cases if housing costs are higher than yours. But yeah you're right, the idea is to pay out less.

It's madness, there's going to be lot more people living in poverty because of this.

There's a huge amount of part time mums at my work, when this is implemented here asda is going to lose around a quarter of its employees because they'll all be leaving to find full-time jobs.

OP, I think you are unaware how much you will be rubbing people up the wrong way with this sanctimonious "I'll be there for my kids no matter what, only I can be trusted to care for my kids" bit. What you are basically doing is saying anyone who has anyone else but a parent care for their kids for any length of time for any reason is jeopardising their wellbeing and shouldn't have had them. It's holier than thou and obnoxious. It's fine that that is a red line for you and your family, but the way you go on about it like its a non negotiable fact of life that ought to apply to everyone is very smug tbh. For a lot of ppl childcare isn't about being able to afford luxury goods and family holidays, it's about being able to provide the basics. And it doesn't mean they don't care about or ensure their children's wellbeing! Did it never occur to you the nursery you chose for your DD was just a shit nursery, not an indictment of all non-parental care? You could have withdrawn her, done some research and found a better place and still have been ensuring her wellbeing!

Your plan will only work out, OP, if your DP doesn't die or leave whilst still married to another woman. Things could, unfortunately, change quite rapidly for you and your children after that.

Has he sorted that bit out yet, or is he still stalling? A Will could surely have been organised by now since you started this thread.

Moreover, given how many of your kids are suffering with anxiety and depression, clearly your slightly obsessional preoccupation with being 'there for them' whenever wherever, and trusting nobody else to care forthem, is not exactly having the desired effect of giving them a happy childhood, is it? Speaking as the child of two parents with different mental health issues, it was sometimes a relief to be out of their orbit, or to have other more stable adult caregivers to turn to on occasion.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you seem to have a very established view of yourself as a martyr - it might be worth considering that the impossible situation you gave put yourself and your kids in (with which of course you will 'cope' because 'that's what you do') is (a) not necessary or inevitable (b) not good for you or your kids and (c) subconsciously feeding your desire for drama and hardship to reinforce your self-image as a 'survivor' who goes through hell 'for her kids'.

Or at very least, get on with that without implying other people are neglecting their kids and are careless of their wellbeing for doing differently.

My dp has sorted out his life insurance and will, so on the right track now.

Lelapaletute, wow!! You really have'nt got a clue about me and my life. First of all I don't judge anyone on how they live their life. My comment before about not understanding people who have kids just to put them in childcare for 12 hours a day as a pp quoted! Surely it's my right to not want anyone else to look after my kids and to think that I know what's best for my kids. Obnoxious! Read your post, that's obnoxious! I certainly don't have a holier than thou attitude, the exact opposite actually, I have very low self esteem. What on earth makes you think that I have a luxury lifestyle? What utter crap.

Re my dd's nursery, I did withdraw her from there as soon as I was able to. And yes it was a shit nursery and because of my experience with it I decided I wouldn't use a private nursery again.

"My obsessional preoccupation to be there for them" do you have a ds who is scared to go to the toilet on his own? Who won't sleep alone and is scared of the dark? Do you have an adult ds who has had problems from the age of 2 and has mutilated his body and overdosed on many occasions? I am actually very stable and doing my absolute best for all of my kids. I'm just being a mum, nothing to do with being a martyr. I hate drama but unfortunately it seems to follow me around but I don't feel it's a hardship, I don't call myself a "survivor" and I have been to hell with my older ds but I don't wail and moan about it, I get on with it.

And yes your post was extremely harsh and I don't think your sorry about it whatsoever.quite frankly your post says a hell of a lot more about you than me.

I am not saying you should put your children into childcare.that is ENTIRELY your choice and you should make it based on your circumstances and your consideration of what's best for them. But by asking the old "why have kids" chestnut and banging on about how you couldn't possibly trust anyone else to care for your kids because you care about their wellbeing, you are TOTALLY judging others who do use childcare and don't for whatever reason have the option of being a SAHM or working part time. Don't try and pretend you're not. I wasn't saying you have a luxury lifestyle, but that you imply ppl who work full time and use childcare so so to fund holidays etc, rather than 'live within their means' as you praise yourself for doing.

Also, you said yourself you suffer from crippling anxiety. That is not the same thing as being stable. If you are managing your anxiety and are stable, it isn't crippling is it? So either you are exaggerating for effect or underestimating the effect your poor mental health may be having on your children. I'm sure you are doing your best for them, that doesn't mean you aren't struggling and that they are totally insulated from your mental illness. Both my parents did their best too; i and my siblings still suffered from their depression/alcoholism.

Finally, you are very odd on this thread. You start off saying you have a problem and ask for advice; say your partner is abusive; that you are physically and mentally ill; that you were unwise not to press the divorce issue; that you are financially vulnerable and would struggle if he died or you separated. Then when ppl agree with this assessment and offer solutions, you get ranty: your partner's a good guy really, your health is no problem, you had no reason to be suspicious about your partner's delay tactics, and we don't know your life story so have no valid opinion. This is an eccentric approach to an advice board to say the least.

I'd say it was a normal reaction on a thread which calls into question your closest relationships and the fragility of your existence.

OPs often feel overwhelmed by having their worst fears validated and played back to them. Posters often leap to the defence of their partner when others articulate and judge negatively the person the OP loves... it's part of a process of realisation and is massively confusing when you start spotting the cognitive dissonance. You don't simply switch off love and a lifetime of entwined living and emotions.

So, whatever else the OP is or isn't, her thread is very normal.