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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

354 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:28

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 25/03/2017 07:32

I think what people are saying is-you're fucked. If your relationship isn't good, is he going to care what could happen to you? I think you've been naive at best, stupid at worst.

AntiGrinch · 25/03/2017 07:32

I agree with floraeasy - split up and "start where you are".

you are putting your resources into an establishment that isn't yours, and never will be. Stop doing that and start your own establishment, however modest.

Your dcs' father will have to pay maintenance. How old are the dcs?

How old are you?

Can you tell us anything about your current circumstances - work, family support, etc?

Even though you are not legally entitled to any part of the house (I believe - see a solicitor and check all this about your particular circumstances) in your position I would be personally making a moral claim to some recognition of all your hard work over the years. Your ex should give you something to help you set up.

If he doesn't, still better to leave and be looking after your own future from now on.

To be clear, I am saying this in the light of your saying you do not have a good relationship. I am not saying that everyone should leave a happy home in order to build up better coffers that they don't have to share. I am saying that if there is no love left, then in this case, there is nothing left.

AntiGrinch · 25/03/2017 07:34

Please everyone stop saying the OP is "fucked" or things like that. There is no point in harping on the negative. 16 years is a long time ago and no one can turn back the clock.

OP you are not fucked. You just need to re-think your future. We need to think realistically and creatively about moving forward from here. You are in no way fucked.

AntiGrinch · 25/03/2017 07:39

If the OP leaves and gets legal advice, it could be that her exP is more generous that some people might think towards the children.

Some men are terrible about talking about their feelings, especially where they have a live in woman who they quite like having around and don't want to lose, but don't want to marry her.

Perhaps he doesn't want to remarry, so he doesn't want to divorce. Perhaps if the possibility of remarriage was taken off the table (OP leaves) he would feel more free to legally acknowledge his responsibilities towards (and love for) his children. He might make good provision for them, including their ultimate inheritance of the house. If he doesn't think he is about to get marched up the aisle.

All this is speculation, of course. But in my experience, men who haven't got married to their gf for 16 years and have everything they need, often just really don't want to get married (to her?). Sounds like this could be one of these and a split would provide the clarity for everyone to be treated fairly.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 25/03/2017 07:41

My BIL did exactly this, was separated for 20 years, met someone else, bought a house, had 2 kids. Finally decided to divorce, except, his inactivity had turned a five year marriage into a 25 year marriage. They had to sell their house to pay her off.

DevelopingDetritus · 25/03/2017 07:42

That's bollocks, excuse my language. Ultimatum time me thinks.

ChasedByBees · 25/03/2017 07:46

OP, I understand how shit it makes you feel but I don't honk you need to drop that angle and approach it calmly on the basis of the legal consequences.

A solicitor will help. The situation 'Idrink describes above could hopefully shock him. Innocently ask a solicitor if the marriage would be considered a long marriage when distributing assets if they divorce now or in the future.

AprilTheGiraffe · 25/03/2017 07:47

I'd leave. He gives fucks. Take your kids and start again.

AprilTheGiraffe · 25/03/2017 07:47

*zero fucks

NaiceBiscuits · 25/03/2017 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AddictedtoSnickers · 25/03/2017 07:48

I was going to say the same as a PP, surely a divorce of a marriage of that length will cost a lot of money?

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 25/03/2017 07:57

Unfortunately as a pp says, the actions tell you more than the words. He hasn't divorced because whether he'll consciously admit it or not, he doesn't want to. He's doing quite a brilliant job of having his cake and eating it.

I agree, you need legal advice - your own legal advice, not something he comes to or you talk to him about. If pushing him to divorce means you and the children lose the house anyway to pay his wife what she is owed, then ultimatums and pursuing divorce which is clearly not what this man wants with you, makes things worse not better. You may very well be best off moving out and setting up your own home with the children, and claiming CM. If you want to continue the relationship great, but separate homes and finances.

WateryTart · 25/03/2017 07:58

He doesn't want to marry you.

Maybe best to cut your losses and start again, he has zero respect for you or your relationship.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 25/03/2017 07:59

It would be better for him to write a will leaving everything to ok and her dcs. Afaik you can disinherit a wife who is not financially dependant on you but have to share your finances if you divorce! Is that too simplistic?

amboinsainbos · 25/03/2017 08:12

Is it possible he still has feelings for his ex? Are they still in contact?

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 25/03/2017 08:14

Why would divorcing now be much dearer, given they have no children together nor assets that we know of?

Frazzled2207 · 25/03/2017 08:16

Blimey.
You need to take serious action, maybe give him an ultimatum but be prepared to leave (and take the kids with you obviously).

What are you going to do? We are here to support you.

gammaraystar · 25/03/2017 08:16

You are just the mistress really! From a legal stand point. If he divorces her now, she may want to try and get half his assets. If he dies, she will just get access to them anyway. What was you thinking? I met my husband when he was married. I refused to have any sort of proper relationship with him until he has divorced wife 1, gotten her name of his house and closed any hoint accounts. Now we are married with kids and it is OUR house!

Miserylovescompany2 · 25/03/2017 08:20

Cut your losses, OP. Start a fresh. He isn't putting his children or you first, he's putting the woman he's married to (and seperated from) in front of the security of his children.

If he hasn't even got a will then you are basically screwed if he dies...

Miserylovescompany2 · 25/03/2017 08:29

After reading another of your previous posts - run for the hills!!

ZombieApocalips · 25/03/2017 08:36

Does your dp realise that at least 50% of the house equity is hers (100% if he dies) and she's entitled to his pensions and life insurance if he hasn't gone to the trouble of nominating you or at least the kids as beneficiaries?

He shafted you with regards to the mortgage. SAHP can be on a mortgage - their income is calculated as zero and the total borrowed is just the working parent's income. If the working parent dies then the mortgage balance can be paid with life insurance.

PoorYorick · 25/03/2017 08:37

It's never too late to cut your losses.

Justanothergame · 25/03/2017 08:37

You can't change the past op, but you need to start planning for your and your children's future now. At the very least I'd stop contributing to the family's expenses so you can get a deposit together to buy your own place. There are ways to build up good credit. Get a credit card, pay for things on it and pay it off in full every single month. Martin Lewis, the finance guru, was explaining about it on the radio recently. By the time you have saved enough deposit, you may have repaired your credit rating enough to be able to get a small mortgage.
It sounds like your dp doesn't want to marry you. His inaction on the divorce has meant it would cost him too much to do that now anyway. It's cheaper for him to die than get divorced iyswim. But I don't think he'd marry you anyway because he has everything he wants without doing so. And is selfish enough not to care about your future - not even making a will- wtf!!!

Parker231 · 25/03/2017 08:37

Get your name on the house deeds asap otherwise you could end up with nothing. See a solicitor and get the documents drawn up that you are next of kin, get both of your wills done, all finances and bank accounts in joint names. Are you listed as the beneficiary of any life insurance and pension policies?

notmrscookie · 25/03/2017 08:43

i am the one trying to get a divorce from my stbxh i hoped 2.5 years ago . he is delaying everything . I CANT will the house as we hold it jointly so it automatically goes to him. It is really hard as he is still my Nok. I had to go to mortage company as explain we are divorcing as he tried to get buy to let morgage against family house with out my knowledge . I had proof of divorce request and at time propose settlement with house being signed over to me ..HE cant take me off his work pension until we divorce as we have an under 18.