Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

354 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:28

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

OP posts:
floraeasy · 25/03/2017 06:01

Time to see a solicitor and find out where you stand and what can be done to give you security. Show it to your partner and ask him if he's really refuse this for his children.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 25/03/2017 06:02

People are deported having lived here for decades, Dont

Munch I don't think lenders allow you to have someone on the deeds who isn't also liable for the mortgage (unless that person actually owns a percentage of the property outright, so the mortgage is only on the remaining percent).

Achoopichu · 25/03/2017 06:07

So he dies, she inherits everything, where will you go?

Isetan · 25/03/2017 06:19

Wow! So unsurprisingly the fingers crossed approach didn't work.

It's been 16 years, it's not a case of him not understanding it's a case of him not caring enough to bother to understand your hurt.. Are you really sure he isn't divorced and just telling you he isn't, so he can avoid the question of marrying you?

You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to and you're biggest mistake was thinking that children and a life together was leverage, when in fact your hand was weakened by your decisions. The only thing you can realistically do now is get yourself some financial independence. Actions should speak louder than words and he clearly wants to keep his financial and legal independence from you.

If you really want to improve your situation you first need to ask yourself why the hell you let it get this far? He promised, isn't an answer it's an excuse, which has allowed you to not take part responsibility for where you and your children are at. From his (all be it selfish) point of view, stringing you along has worked extremely well because it's maintained the status quo without any major negative consequences for his agenda (whatever that is but rest assured he has one and the pay off is far more important to him than your hurt).

Kpo58 · 25/03/2017 06:24

Don't forget if his pension gives a spouses pension after he dies, it won't be going to you if he's married.

contractor6 · 25/03/2017 06:34

If she can't be in cup try without being married and that's the only reason they aren't divorced, does t that make it a sham marriage?
OP you need to be firm and get thus sorted for sake of children

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2017 06:36

He is putting you and your children in a very vulnerable position. It sounds and though he intends to die intestate. He obviously can't listen to something spoken. How about writing your concerns to him?

SillySongsWithLarry · 25/03/2017 06:37

Check out the many, many threads about unmarried long term partners who have been shafted.

LakieLady · 25/03/2017 06:42

I can't believe that anyone would jeopardise the future security of their children in this way.

If nothing else, he needs to make a will to protect their (and your) position if he should die.

Neverm1nd · 25/03/2017 06:49

If no consent order is in place she can take him to court over finances at any time and their financial split will be based on their financial situition as it stands now. ..not as it did upon their actual separation. He may be reluctant to act upon a divorce in case this happens and he has to make a large payment to her...

Cheby · 25/03/2017 06:49

You need to go and see a solicitor together, so they can explain to him how serious this is.

Universitychallenging · 25/03/2017 06:51

She will get everything. You and your kids would potentially be homeless unless she's a decent person.

Shurleyshummishtake · 25/03/2017 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Underthemoonlight · 25/03/2017 07:04

This happened to someone my mother knew her DP died unexpectedly and the woman he was married to got the house and his assets even though this lady was with her dp over 10 years.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 25/03/2017 07:11

This is terrible. I can't understand why you'd have children with someone who is still married to someone else.

What's done is done, so I just hope you're able to build a nest egg all of your own in case you find yourself in serious financial difficulty.

If you're not happy with the situation (and I don't know anyone who would be) then I would think about leaving. He obviously couldn't care less about the financial security of you or your kids so why are with him anyway?

What a mess.

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 25/03/2017 07:11

With regard to the property, you cannot be on the deeds to the property without being on the mortgage, the loan company will not agree to this as they would want clear title to repossess should your partner default on the mortgage.

Your financial situation may have changed by now? It's worth taking another look at this. A poor credit score can be turned around fairly quickly, depends how bad your credit history is.

The point is that your situation and that of your children is very vulnerable. Get proper legal advice quickly, and insist that your partner cooperates. Make an appointment for this coming week to get the ball rolling.

EyeStye · 25/03/2017 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lizzyj4 · 25/03/2017 07:14

I think if he died without a will she'd get 50% of everything and your children would be entitled to share the other 50% (well after any taxes). Regardless, you would lose your home. He really needs to sort it out, at least write a will.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 07:15

His wife has been here for over 20 years, they have no children together.

I know I've been really stupid but I just haven't thought about the financial implications that much. Our relationship is'nt very good at all, I've posted about it on here before.

I'm hurt and angry that he cares so little about mine and our kids future.

OP posts:
lizzyj4 · 25/03/2017 07:17

Sorry, xposted there - I just looked it up - "If there is a surviving (married) partner, a child only inherits from the estate if the estate is valued at over £250,000. If there are two or more children, the children will inherit in equal shares: one half of the value of the estate above £250,000."

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/

Not a good situation for you OP.

TheNaze73 · 25/03/2017 07:20

You need to wake up.

It's not YOUR house & he really can't be arsed

floraeasy · 25/03/2017 07:24

Our relationship is'nt very good at all, I've posted about it on here before. I'm hurt and angry that he cares so little about mine and our kids future

In that case, I think you should split up.

He will have to support his kids if you split up. That's something.

You can "start where you are" and get your life together. Plenty other women have done it and you can do it too.

You will feel so much better taking control of your life instead of waiting for the axe to fall (whether that comes in the form of your partner leaving/dying).

floraeasy · 25/03/2017 07:27

Are you in Scotland or England? Children's inheritance differs between these two.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 25/03/2017 07:28

If you're not happy I would split.

It's a shame he's not thought about the provisions for his children (especially given the fact he has no children from his previous relationship). He'd rather give everything to a woman he hasn't been married to for 16 years than protect his current partner and children.

EllaHen · 25/03/2017 07:32

Someone earlier aid to shock him into action. I think perhaps you need shocked into action. Poor kids - neither parent prioritising their security.