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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
wickerlampshade · 06/03/2017 12:25

how many sisters do you have? seems a bit mean to make one a bridesmaid and not the others (unless you have about 10 of them!)

personally I dislike adult bridesmaids so would look for a cute child and find them all other roles, but if you are choosing one..........

SandunesAndRainclouds · 06/03/2017 12:27

Why is one sister a bridesmaid and not the other?

19lottie82 · 06/03/2017 12:28

I agree it seems a bit mean to have one sister as a BM and not the other....... it looks like you are favouring one over the over . throw in teenage hormones and it's a bit of a recipe for disaster.

autumnkate · 06/03/2017 12:28

It's your wedding so she shouldn't make a drama for you.

However, I would be very very upset if my sister picked our other sister as a bridesmaid and not me. Unless there is a good reason (tiny baby or something) I think you are being unreasonable. Sorry!

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2017 12:30

I wouldn't have had any sisters as bridesmaids, in your position.

SpreadYourHappiness · 06/03/2017 12:31

YABU. I think it's unfair of you to leave your youngest sister out of being a bridesmaid when you have your middle sister as one.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/03/2017 12:31

This isn't a stroppy teenage reaction - it's a completely understandable reaction.

Make one sister a bridesmaid but not the other? Cruel and hard to believe it wasn't designed to hurt her or make it clear where she comes in the family pecking order.

I'm with her.

Original poster
BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:33

I have three sisters, he has two. We have one sister from each family. May I also point out, that I'm not making bridemaids a big thing. They are literally walking down the aisle and then sitting down. Everyone will still get ready together and have the same gifts ect

OP posts:
BretonRose · 06/03/2017 12:33

Bit mean not to have your sister as a bridesmaid. Also a bit mean to think that giving her a choice of lesser roles would make it fine. She's also maybe interpreted you saying "you don't know how she'd be comfortable doing a reading" as you saying you think she'll be awful at it or you don't want her to do that. She's only 18, teenagers do take these things more to heart than others.

AlmaMartyr · 06/03/2017 12:33

I'm with her too, sorry. If my DSis hadn't chosen me to be her bridesmaid but had chosen another sister and one of her DP's sisters, I would have been very hurt. It would have been better to have all your sisters or none. Being a witness really doesn't equate.

WipsGlitter · 06/03/2017 12:34

Also three bridesmaids is loads. That's not a small wedding party.

pinkblink · 06/03/2017 12:34

I'd be offended, you chose one of his sisters over your own? I'm assuming you are closer to his sister than yours?

FlipFlopFlappy · 06/03/2017 12:35

It's all sisters or no sisters is my thoughts.

xStefx · 06/03/2017 12:35

aah sorry OP but I think YABU
I know how much hard work wedding politics are but you cant have one sister as a bridesmaid and not the other

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/03/2017 12:36

You are giving her a very clear message she is less important to you and she has received that and reacted normally.

The fact that this surprises you, that you can't empathise, I find quite shocking really.

Send your sister a link to the Stately Homes thread.

Yukbuck · 06/03/2017 12:39

Yabu! I would be really hurt if my (hypothetical) sister chose my other (non existent) sister to be a bridesmaid and not me. Even if you do have 3 sisters. Seems like a stab in the back to me.

ithakabythesea · 06/03/2017 12:39

It is odd to have one of his sisters as a bridesmaid & exclude your own. I don't know you could have thought that was ok.

OnionKnight · 06/03/2017 12:40

I don't get the outrage TBH, it's your wedding so do what you want.

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2017 12:40

YABU. I cant believe you didnt realise there may be a possibility of her being offended. If you have too many sisters to include walking down the aisle with you (and thats the only role they have?) then I wouldnt have chosen any. Quite divisive.

FlyingElbows · 06/03/2017 12:41

Oh but op being a bridesmaid at your sister's wedding is a big thing, especially when you're still very young. I totally understand your reasoning behind your choice but have a heart, it's not surprising that your sister has interpreted it as "I don't want you".

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2017 12:41

I don't get the outrage TBH, it's your wedding so do what you want

As always "do want you want"....yes people can do what they want but that doesnt stop other people getting upset or hurt. Weddings are about love and families coming together.

MorrisZapp · 06/03/2017 12:42

Yabu

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 06/03/2017 12:43

I'm amazed that you're amazed at an 18 year girl being upset at being snubbed in this way.

And then you have the cheek to talk about her maturity and her putting you in a stressful situation. Hmm

Astoria7974 · 06/03/2017 12:43

It's really odd that you guys decided to have his sister as your bm. Brides maids aren't supposed to have anything to do with your dp - if he wants his sister involved in the wedding party he should make them best women. You guys are causing the problem by letting him/his family dictate to you.

Clarabell33 · 06/03/2017 12:43

Hmm, if she's not the only one of your sisters to not be a bridesmaid, then I think it's ok from that angle. I do think it's a bit unnecessary for your DP's sister to be one though (unless you are friends independently of your relationship with DP), and that might be making her feel second-best. IME the bridesmaids/groomsmen are chosen by the bride and groom respectively, and are their friends/family, not a mixture of both sides in each group, e.g. DH had friends as his groomsmen and his brothers were ushers, but my brothers had no role, and it never occurred to me or DH (or them, to the best of my knowledge) that they should. Conversely, I was bridesmaid at one of my brothers' weddings, and although nice to be asked, it was a bit weird as I didn't know the bride or the other bridesmaids very well at all at the time! (and I did say perhaps I shouldn't do it but the bride was insistent as she wanted an even number of bridesmaids)

Another thing - are you the last of your sister's siblings to get married? If so she might feel this is her last/only chance to be a bridesmaid to a sister, hence the upset...