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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
Brollsdolls · 06/03/2017 13:11

Your dismissal of all the responses here reflects your lack of interest in the feelings of others.

I agree with this too. Did you just expect everyone to agree with you?
Imam interested to know why you chose dh's sister over your own?

honeyroar · 06/03/2017 13:11

I don't understand why people find it so strange that the groom's sister is included in the bridesmaids! It's public ally saying that the wedding is about both families, not just the bride's family, it's a nice gesture and I've seen it a lot. It means BOTH sides of the family are on the top table and main photos.

You were always on a sticky wicket though with so many sister on oth sides! It was either a case of have six bridesmaids (which is too fussy!), dump your friend (who you probably want most!) and just have family, or choose "a selection" like you have.

I can see why an 18yr old would be upset though, could you ask the sister you've chosen if she'd swop!? This is one of the reasons I didn't have bridesmaids, although I still upset my 12yr old niece (we had her doing a reading).

SoberSusan · 06/03/2017 13:11

Sorry OP, I'm with your DS on this. Seems very pointed to leave he out.

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 13:12

Yes, it could be that at the time she was completely shocked at not being asked and perhaps was also trying to be sensitive by not letting you see that she was hurt. But when she spoke to your mother she just couldn't hold it back any more.

Brollsdolls · 06/03/2017 13:12

*i'm

Loopytiles · 06/03/2017 13:12

"Everybody is entitled to their opinion": yes, and the majority here think YABU!

TaliDiNozzo · 06/03/2017 13:14

Yeah I don't think it's that surprising your sister has reacted the way she has. I would be hurt too. You can do what you want with your wedding but you can't expect everyone to be happy and just go along with it.

You've been thoughtless but I don't know how you rescue it now, the damage has been done.

Reow · 06/03/2017 13:14

It's your wedding. You should do exactly what you want.

She's entitled to say she's upset if that's how she feels, but she's not entitled to be a BM and it's your wedding so it's your choice.

BadLad · 06/03/2017 13:15

100 posts in 50 minutes!

Mumsnet loves a good wedding drama.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/03/2017 13:15

Frankly I'd elope and be done with the lot of them! I don't get the drama Rama and I was in your sister's shoes once. My only dilemma was having to sign a piece of paper I fundamentally and philosophically disagreed with ... But I did it for my sibling. Your sister should get a grip and realise that it's about you, not her.

RitaMills · 06/03/2017 13:15

Sorry, I think YABU. This would upset me too, I wouldn't say anything and would try plaster on a smile but my feelings would be hurt.

EssentialHummus · 06/03/2017 13:16

Good grief. There are five sisters across both sides of the family. You've chosen one from each side. Everyone else has an equally important role. The sister in question is old enough at 18 to have some bloody manners/have your mum have a stern word and understand that it's for you and DF to include people as you see fit, and stropping won't get her anywhere.

I'd reiterate in a message to her that you'd love for her to be part of your day by doing a reading or being a witness, and can she let you know by x date which she'd like. Then leave it. She's just having a big old tantrum.

Heathen4Hire · 06/03/2017 13:17

Yabu for all reasons stated. I would have been deeply hurt if you hadn't asked me as your youngest sister to be bridesmaid. Surely, it's manners and good grace??

Heathen4Hire · 06/03/2017 13:19

I seriously thought about eloping when we were engaged. F£&@ the lot of them and run away with two mates!

Blodplod · 06/03/2017 13:20

I just don't understand why someone would post AIBU? - we all (mostly) say yes you are and then OP just replies saying 'no im not!'. Why post in the first place FFS...

BretonRose · 06/03/2017 13:20

Well then Vamps I think the responsibility does transfer to the bride then. If she is insisting on a type of wedding that precludes your BIL involving your SIL, then she's got a responsibility to make the details work.

That's assuming he wouldn't have gone for that type of wedding anyway or would have been prepared to bend the rules if he had)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/03/2017 13:23

Lots of teens would be embarrassed and eye rolling at the mere thought - "Must I" - and kick off about being made to take part. Were you expecting that reaction?

You included one sister but not the other. So you both get to talk about it and Mum probably chips in and you all look forward to it. The left out sister doesn't.

I have heard of a bridegroom's sister being included as a bridesmaid, providing everyone actually gets on I think it's a nice thing to do, BUT in this instance made your younger sister feel worse.

user1474371557 · 06/03/2017 13:24

Your dismissal of all the responses here reflects your lack of interest in the feelings of others

I agree with this statement. You are being, in my opinion, selfish and unreasonable. You are very dismissive of folk who are saying you are wrong in this instance and the fact that you cannot see why your sister is upset says a lot. If you are finding it so stressful to fit in your youngest sister into your wedding party you should just elope. Let your sister be a bridesmaid and your friend can have another role as you think all roles are equally important.

I was not asked to be my sister's bridesmaid and we did not talk for over 30 years (no kidding).

BarbarianMum · 06/03/2017 13:25

FWIW OP I don't think you've done anything wrong and one sister from each side of the family as bridesmaids sounds perfectly reasonable to me Flowers

screwthepyramids · 06/03/2017 13:26

Ditch the SIL and replace her with your own sister!

PollytheDolly · 06/03/2017 13:26

If I were you OP, I'd either have ALL the sisters (yours, his and anybody else's you can think of who are likely to throw a hissy fit), or run away and get married quietly with two complete strangers as witnesses, then at least you have pissed off the entire family to the same degree.

We did for reasons I won't go into but basically no one was invited because those that weren't would start a huge drama. The family weren't pissed off, or haven't said if they were.

BeyondThePage · 06/03/2017 13:28

You have chosen her to be a witness - a person whose name will forever be alongside yours in the register, bridesmaids don't get that honour.

Tell her that she is important, it is important to you that she takes that role, that you want her name linked to your wedding for all eternity.

I chose my best friend in the whole world (the one person who would help me hide a body Grin as they say) to be my witness, simply because it is such an important, personal, touching role. Her name will forever be there.

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 13:30

TBF, as an18 year old, being a witness will not sound half as appealing as being a bridesmaid!

cheeeeselover · 06/03/2017 13:34

I'm with the YABU posters. For me it would be all of them or none.

pigsDOfly · 06/03/2017 13:34

You started your post by saying you think you've dealt with it in a reasonable way. Five pages of almost unanimous replies that no you haven't get the response that 'everyone's entitled to their opinion' and the implication that you still think you're right.

Why ask the question in the first place? Clearly you're not looking for a different perspective.