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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/03/2017 12:44

I'm with her too, sorry. If my DSis hadn't chosen me to be her bridesmaid but had chosen another sister and one of her DP's sisters, I would have been very hurt.

I agree. If you weren't going to have them all I would have none tbh.

Astro55 · 06/03/2017 12:44

I have 3 sisters - it would be all or nothing.

You should e stuck to your 3 and not DH sister and BF - they would've assumed this would be the case anyway, and less likely to be offended - can't DM buy the dress?

RainbowPastel · 06/03/2017 12:45

Not surprised she is upset. You have chosen one of your other sisters and your DP's sister over her. Very mean spirited.

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 12:45

I think unless your middle sister is your twin then there was always going to be an upset 18 year old who wasn't asked to be a BM tbh.

If the BM's aren't a big thing and are just walking down the aisle and sitting down then why didn't you just ask her as well?

If I was 18 and had been not asked to be a BM and not asked specifically to do something (when I was 18 I'd have taken 'I don't know if you'll be comfortable with' to mean 'I think you'll be shit at, but I feel I should ask you) then I'd probably feel a bit left out as well.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 06/03/2017 12:45

So you're choosing a sister… of course the one not chosen will be hurt! Also maybe think about how past behaviours may have influenced your choice?

DrinkReprehensibly · 06/03/2017 12:45

I had similar with my cousin's daughter, so I said she could be a bridesmaid. Job done. It made her really happy and it didn't really cause me great hardship and she was a much more distant relative.

Just make her a bridesmaid and tell her you've made a massive mistake in not asking her. Make something up like you assumed she wouldn't want to. Asking one sister and not another must be so hurtful and she'll never forget it.

OnionKnight · 06/03/2017 12:46

As always "do want you want"....yes people can do what they want but that doesnt stop other people getting upset or hurt. Weddings are about love and families coming together.

I think my experience is clouding my view so I'll bow out, my wife's family were not interested in our wedding and neither were my own to be fair.

Family Hmm

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 12:46

Although I don't agree with the stance that it's odd for your DH's sister to be a BM - I don't think that's odd at all. I think the issue is squarely that you've asked one sister and not your other sisters. It would have been the same had you chosen two friends and one sister.

alltouchedout · 06/03/2017 12:47

I am surprised at the replies so far. I think YANBU and that if your sister is really saying she won't even come to the wedding unless she is made a bridesmaid, that shows she really shouldn't be a bridesmaid.You have three sisters and only one of them is a bridesmaid, right? Is the other non bridesmaid sister also having a toddler tantrum or is she able to understand that other people's weddings are not, actually, all about her?

Tissunnyupnorth · 06/03/2017 12:48

If you had to have only one of your sisters as a bridesmaid, I think I would have chosen the youngest. She would be the least likely to accept watching your DP's sister being a bridesmaid....

BackforGood · 06/03/2017 12:48

From the title, before I read OP, I was all ready to come on here and say - "your wedding, if someone wants to tantrum, they don't need to come" but having read your OP, I think YABVU and most odd to ask one of your sisters and not the others. What a strange thing to do! Hmm

I was really sad when my lovely SiL didn't ask us, but understood as she had her sister and her long life friend, and didn't want 3 more (ie, asking my sisters and I). I would have been distraught if she asked one of us and not the others.

When I got married, one of my sisters chose not to be my bridesmaid - which I could have predicted, not her thing at all - but I still asked her and let her make that decision herself.

Either just have one friend, or ask all your sister. To do what you have done is horrible.

TitaniasCloset · 06/03/2017 12:49

Yanbu. Of course being a bridesmaid at her sisters wedding is important to her. If I was her I would feel the same and would probably drop out of the wedding too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2017 12:50

YABVVU. I can't believe you don't see why she's so upset. Have you ever been a bridesmaid?

You may think it's just walking down the aisle and sitting at the front but its way way more than. It's being IN the wedding. Readings and witnesses aren't the same thing at all.

Being a bridesmaid is standing with the bride, as one of her closest friends/supports. Special clothes, bouquet, photos, and everyone knowing you're doing it. Imagine how embarrassed she must be when she tells people she might be doing a reading, but her other sister and the groom's sister are the bridesmaids?

You should ave had all your sisters or none of them. Picking one was mean. How does your DF's other sister feel? She's probably just as fucked as your sister.

And I agree with PPs, your sister is handling this as anyone would, it's beyond patronising to blame it on her age. Don't be so stupid.

pigsDOfly · 06/03/2017 12:50

Poor sister. Not surprised she's upset at being unwanted and passed over.

Vegansnake · 06/03/2017 12:51

Oh bless her,18 as well bit mean / thoughtless of you

Rubies12345 · 06/03/2017 12:51

It's really mean to have one and not the others, same with SILs.

NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 12:52

YABU. You have three sisters and three bridesmaid but you've chosen a friend and your fiancé's sister over two of your sisters Confused I think you should have made all your sisters bridesmaids or none of them.

Why have you factored in your fiancé's sisters? They're brides maids so they are usually from the bride's side, your sisters and friends.

I didn't ask my SIL to be a bridesmaid at my wedding and she was offended but tough shit. DH asked her to be his witness and "best woman" so she did have a role. She's his sister not mine.

MrsXx4 · 06/03/2017 12:52

Yeah I don't think you should have chosen out of your sisters, you should have had all of them or none of them. It doesn't matter that you say they aren't 'a big thing' of course your sisters will find it a big thing as it is an honour to be asked and they now have to sit and watch your DP sister be involved and not them.

My wedding is in 2 months time and I have 1 sister - she is my Maid of Honour and my 2 brothers are ushers as I wouldn't have had one sibling and not the other two! I don't feel they are 'big' things and not much fuss is being made, but I am aware that I would feel privileged if asked to be in someone's wedding - therefore I take that on board with my siblings and made them all a part of my day. x

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 12:52

You are of course allowed to do what you want. It is your wedding.

Your sister, regardless of her age, is also entitled to feel how she wants to feel. You have chosen someone from DH family to be a bridesmade over her. Is this bridesmade a good friend? Also, how is your other sister taking this - is she older, therefore more mature and more able to hide her hurt or is that more distant relationship?

However, your sister does need to get over herself and come to the wedding.

JazzFunk · 06/03/2017 12:52

YABU - for whatever reason, you have ' chosen' one sister over the others. Not surprising that the youngest is going to be hurt Sad

Beelzebop · 06/03/2017 12:52

Really sorry but you are being U. Yes you can make whatever choices you wish it is your wedding BUT.... Honestly? Can you really have one and not the other. I would be hurt.

willconcern · 06/03/2017 12:52

I have three sisters, he has two. We have one sister from each family. May I also point out, that I'm not making bridemaids a big thing

But it IS a big thing. It may not be big to you, but it is a big thing to be asked to be a bridesmaid. Doing a reading is nice, being a witness is nice, but being a bridesmaid (even though in reality all you do is walk down the aisle and sit down) is an important role.

I think you've been really mean to your sister, and I'm not surprised she's upset.

JazzFunk · 06/03/2017 12:53

And I also find it a bit strange that one of your DP's sisters is also being a bridesmaid - does that mean you can choose the best man?

HaPPy8 · 06/03/2017 12:53

YABVU. Your poor sister I feel sorry for her.

Piffpaffpoff · 06/03/2017 12:53

Your wedding your choice but I can absolutely see why she's pissed off.

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