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AIBU?

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Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
TaliDiNozzo · 07/03/2017 07:59

I think the OP is a tad shocked everyone didn't just agree with her.

Even if she doesn't return again I would hope she's taken on board the posts and considered what she's done. An apology to her sister for being thoughtless would be the first place to start in putting this right.

Wigbert · 07/03/2017 09:31

Op, is your sister always very spoilt and used to getting her own way? Your mother should have told her to get over herself rather than pander to the her tantrum and putting pressure on you to placate her.

I would tell your sister that you love her and you want her to be at your wedding. It is up to her what she does. Then put it back on your mother by telling her that you will be very hurt and upset if sis doesn't come to the wedding and she should sort her out.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 07/03/2017 09:40

I have two sisters and if one got married and asked my sister and not me to be a bridesmaid, I'd be really upset. Doubly so if she were to choose one of her DPs sisters as a bridesmaid too. Triply so if I was 18.

But I really don't think you care, from the tone of your replies, so I'm left wondering Why the fuck you posted at all if you're so convinced you're right?

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 07/03/2017 09:49

Okay I have been in lurk mode since all round here was nobbut fields but this one has drawn me out for entirely personal reasons.

On the face of it this is not the most controversial of threads; I can see right and wrong on both sides and I don't think either the OP or her sister have covered themselves in glory, but worse things happen at sea.

What is truly boiling my piss is the fact, as others have pointed out, the OP says in her very first line that she needed another perspective but when she got another perspective which, if not unanimous, was almost as close as it gets round here, she came over decidedly sniffy ('hey ho', for eg)

Much more to the point: in my ever lengthening experience, there is very little more upsetting, toxic even, than an elder sister who is desperately cosy in her own skin and just will not be challenged on whatever it is she does, whenever it is she does it. My sorry news to the OP's younger sister is that, in my experience, it doesn't get any better. Oh, and I am 61 and my elder sister is nearly 70. And it was ever, ever thus and probably always will be. Whenever I am equal to it I just smile sweetly and pretend it isn't happening.

As you were.....

DistanceCall · 07/03/2017 10:43

Great post, Edballs.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 07/03/2017 10:50

Thanks Distance Nice to have 100% approval rating!

DistanceCall · 07/03/2017 11:01

Edballs Grin

2014newme · 07/03/2017 11:08

How mean op! Let your sister be a bridesmaid, what harm cam it do.

glitterazi · 07/03/2017 11:20

I was not asked to be my sister's bridesmaid and we did not talk for over 30 years (no kidding).

What?! I really hope that's a joke or there's a massive backstory you're admitting as that's ridiculous if only over not being chosen as bridesmaid!
OP, YANBU. Maybe it comes with getting older and wiser, but seriously, I just couldn't give a shit over such trivia!
I'm one of three, and if one of my siblings got married and chose the other sister as a bridesmaid and not me, but I was included in readings etc, I'd see that as being in the wedding party too.
To throw your toys out of the pram and say "not coming then!" is quite frankly ridiculous.
Can' t believe how ridiculous some people are over weddings, it's insane.

glitterazi · 07/03/2017 11:21

admitting should read omitting!

TheStoic · 07/03/2017 11:30

I think you do have to give in and make her a bridesmaid.

Then of course you'll have to make your other sister a bridesmaid too, as you can't leave one sister out.

Or have no sisters and just have your friend.

Really surprised by the level of vitriol here though. Oh wait...no I'm not.

PatsyMount · 07/03/2017 12:00

Edballs you could be my DM! - DAunty is 2 yrs older than my DM and takes every opportunity to make that point. They are both late 60's! Grin

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 07/03/2017 12:05

@PatsyMount

Grin
Edballsisoneniftydancer · 07/03/2017 12:13

Sorry posted too soon!

Patsymount

How very dare you!!! I am in my excruciatingly early 60s....but yes your mother and I obviously speak the same language!

PatsyMount · 07/03/2017 12:31

EdBalls Wink

CoolCarrie · 07/03/2017 12:56

I notice OP has not responded as yet, hopefully she has had time to rethink the wedding plan to include her sister.

2017SoFarSoGood · 07/03/2017 15:42

Ed balls HaloStarGin

As youngest of three sisters I totally get you.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 07/03/2017 16:57

2017Sofarsogood

Even I am too young to remember this , so it will probably be totally prehistoric for you, but enjoy anyway

WatchHowISoar · 07/03/2017 18:02

I think it depends in the relationship with your sisters. You've said your dh sister was more of a sister to you suggesting past issues. So why didn't you just have her?

My friend just had her best friend,no siblings or their dc. They were miffed but frankly one was lucky to even get a n invite given her past acts.

HilairHilair · 08/03/2017 08:12

Hmmm, EdBalls I want to stand up for eldests. We are not all monsters, and we carry considerable burdens which younger siblings have no notion of. We are the practice models - our parents started to get things right after us.

I always remember the novelist A. S. Byatt (famously she and her sister Margaret Drabble don't get on) saying in an interview that she felt like the interloper in her family (of 4 siblings), that the other three had their own world from which she was deliberately excluded. It can feel like that at times ... But then I know that my mother's favourite child is still her 2nd daughter (and we're all in our 50s).

And if you look at fictional narratives of sibling groups it's usually the 2nd daughter who is the heroine: eg Jo March, Elizabeth Bennet.

Re the OP - she's disappeared hasn't she?

My view on the matter is that she's perfectly entitled to make the decision she has made (although I think it's needlessly cruel), but she also has to take the consequences.

I do find that nowadays young people want things their way, want the freedom to make choices, but lack the guts (resilience) to take the consequences of their decisions.

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 08:15

I don't think age has anything to do with it.

You get selfish inconsiderate people of all ages. Same for kind considerate ones.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 08/03/2017 10:55

Don't disagree with you one bit Hilair...just extrapolating from my own experience (which was, it seems, the mirror image of yours!) In my case I never reached the bar that in my mother's eyes, my sister set.

I do agree with your summarised view!

I was just saying that where an elder IS convinced of her own perfection (not saying this is the case for the OP though there are pointers on this thread...) YOWCH!!!!!

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/03/2017 11:50

To all of you asking Why I chose my DP sister’s - she has been more of a sister to me than any of my actual sisters. I love her

And you're making that point loud and clear in your choices. Can you not see why that might hurt?

HelenaGWells · 08/03/2017 12:06

She's 18. Being a bridesmaid means the world at that age. You get the nice dress the hair do the make up being in all the photos.

I would have done all or none. There are only 3 of them not 10 of them. If you have chosen your dps sister over your own sister I can see why she's upset. Add in "we don't
Know if you would be able to read" and you are basically giving her the message "we think you aren't good enough to read oh and
You aren't a bridesmaid because we think C is better at that. You can just sign this paper."

Being a witness is not important to an 18 year old. It's not glamorous or exciting. It's the boring job you give to boring people.

HelenaGWells · 08/03/2017 12:13

I've known people exclude a sister but they have been much older and perfectly happy to be excluded. An 18 year old just doesn't think like the rest of us.

Just understand that to her it's basically you saying to her that she isn't Good enough for the "best job" (bridesmaid) or even the "next best job" (reading) she's only good enough for the "token job" (witness)

It's your choice but just understand where she's coming from and how it comes across to her.