wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

[BethanyCourt]

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

I assume that you are very close to your not yet SIL hence why picking her?

Had your youngest sister been a bridesmaid for any of her sisters or is she likely to be?

I do agree with the all or nothing tbh.

And witnesses-does that mean that they'll be sighning the register?

If not, well then it's nothing special is it as everyone there is there to witness it!

Why on earth would you choose your DP family over your own sister when choosing bridesmaids? Yes YABU. Is there any reason why you could not have had all your sisters as bridesmaids? I think you would have to be monumentally stupid to not realise that would cause upset.

Hmm. I have older DSis and one married when I was 17. I bloody LOVED being a bridesmaid, I was so excited by the whole thing. My other DSis was also bridesmaid, I would have been very upset if she'd have been asked and not me.

BIL's DSis wasn't asked, she was best woman! I do find it odd that you've asked your DP's DSis instead of your own DSis. Clearly DSis is very hurt and is showing it in a mature teenage fashion. If it was me I'd ask her now. I wouldn't want my DSis upset!

Kiroro, what sexist shite. I'm sure my DSs would want a say in what role their sister plays and there theoretical wedding. It's not 1950

Lucille, it's not sexist at all. The groom chooses who he wants to support him, and the bride chooses who she wants to support her. If - in this theoretical wedding many years down the line - your ds wants to ask his sister to support him, he absolutely can. I've been an usher for a friend, and my sister was asked to do the "best man" role at a wedding once. It obviously depends on how many 'potential' bridesmaids there might be and how many the bride then considers OTT as to if you ask groom's sister(s) or not, but it is totally up to the bride in the same way the choice of his attendants is up to the groom. Of course, you'd like to hope at this stage in their relationship, the B&G are willing and able to talk about things and compromise

Yes yabu, massively.
You should have included all your sisters.
I'd be massively hurt. You've really hurt your sister, and may have damaged your relationship.
Also think it's off that you pick one of his sisters and leave the other two out.
If you didn't get on with the rest of his family fair enough, but i'm betting that it's not that.

omg ,the politics of weddings.

OP is reasonable. Baby sis is a drama llama. I think I'd elope, too.

Yabvvu.

Your sisters should be bms and your partner's sisters can do readings etc.

Your poor sister.

I have lots of sisters - by lots I mean 8. Full, half, step. Fortunately we all hate being bridesmaids so don't have this issue But I know all of us would be upset if just one of us had been picked.

Why did you chose your DF sister to be your bridesmaid and not your own sister? I think that was so mean. Brides chose their bridesmaids and it is tradition to have the brides family and friends not the bride grooms unless the bride has none of her own. I am very close to my sister and would have been devastated if she wanted her DF sister and not me as her bridesmaid. Bridegroom chooses witnesses and page boys.

If your sister chooses not to come I could fully understand why.

All or none - being a bridesmaid can be a big thing for some people - doing a reading is just not the same

It should have been all sisters BM's or none...

If i was your sister i'd probably have 'accepted' not being a BM graciously in front of you but would have been very upset once you had gone

Doing readings or being a witness does not feel anywhere near as special as being asked to be a BM!

YABU.

I'm not surprised she's upset, I think it's awful that you've picked your DP's sister over two of your own.

Another vote for all or none. Being a bridesmaid is a massive thing, I would be very upset too if I were your 18YO sister.

As an aside, I am baffled at the idea that having the groom's sisters as bridesmaids means he must be the one doing the "choosing". My sister and I were bridesmaids at our brother's wedding because we love our s-i-l and she chose us, along with her sister and her brother's wife. My brother had nothing to do with it.

Am I the only person that doesn't see anything wrong not having all siblings? If she wants to sulk and miss it because she's not in a matching dress and doesn't want to be a witness I wouldn't get too excited. Obviously talk to her and ask why she feels slighted but I really don't think you've done anything wrong. (I'm clearly in the minority though! )

They already had DC by the time of their wedding, so maybe the several years of baby-wranging that we'd been around for helped

Another one for all or none!

I'm much closer to one sister than the other but I wouldn't dream of excluding the one I'm not as close to. It would be very mean and I can't think of many people whose feelings wouldn't be hurt if they were put in that situation.

I think you've handled this badly OP - of course your other sisters are going to feel left out, and probably the sister who has not been chosen from your DP's side too!

It is, for most people, considered to be an honour to be picked as a bridesmaid, and the others are probably wondering why they didn't make the cut but their sisters did - the 18 year old has gone over the top about it, but I understand her hurt & upset.

You should have just had all your own sisters & best friend, and had both his sisters just do readings or similar. I imagine all three sisters who have been left out are at best a little miffed you didn't pick them.

YABU. All or none of your sisters as bridesmaid, I don't think having the grooms sister as a BM is that important, but you've really put your foot in it only asking one of your sisters.

Why all the fuss that DPs sister has been picked... is that not allowed?Isn't it her brothers wedding too? Or are bridesmaids only meant to be from Brides family/friends?

OP - I agree with you, and completely understand where you are coming from. It's your wedding and your decision on how many BM's you have and who they are.

I have the same thing with my nuptials in September, but neither of my sisters want to be BM.

I think it depends completely on the sort of relationship you all have: for some people this wouldn't be a problem, for others it definitely would. 18yo sis clearly falls into the latter category and so it is a problem. OP has a choice about how she wants to handle it, but as PPs have said, you can't deny someone's right to feel upset by something, and whatever we all think we'd have done in the same situation, it's a shame that OP and her sis haven't communicated well enough with one another for this to have been avoided or dealt with earlier.

Well OP, I agree with you. Your wedding and all of that. Plus she gets to be a witness - her signature will be on your marriage certificate. I get that being a BM is meaningful, but I've never quite forgotten my best friend who tearfully informed me that she couldn't have me as a bridesmaid as her (older) sister wanted to be one and was kicking off. Unless I missed it, you didn't actually state your reasoning for choosing the BM's you did, but presumably you didn't play eenie, meenie miney mo. Plus, I always thought that if there was no male representative of the Groom's family, then it was the done thing to have one of his sisters as a BM.

I've been where your DS is, I was left out of my dad's wedding (2nd marriage) at that age, whilst my younger half sister, the bride's niece and my eldest sister were bridesmaids.

It was shit and it upset me massively, though I didn't threaten to not go or kick up a stink, at that age it really hurt to be left out.

It's absolutely picking favourites. I'd have all the sisters or just your friend.

Why on earth not just have all sisters? It makes no sense at all, for the sake of a couple of extra dresses and saving feelings of your close family saved.

All those saying 'your wedding, your rules' are seriously lacking in empathy.