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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
Excited101 · 06/03/2017 13:03

Sorry, all, not both sisters. I see you have 3.

Either all of them or none would have been fine.

LucilleBluth · 06/03/2017 13:03

At their

Beelzebop · 06/03/2017 13:03

I really think that you risk a serious fall out if you don't listen to advice posters are giving.

Enko · 06/03/2017 13:03

I am surprised by the level of people feeling op is unreasonable. OP have a lunch with your sis and explain to her how you wanted to make everyone feel involved and a part of the wedding. In no way did you wish for her to feel excluded. However you didnt want dh to be's family to be excluded either. That is why you did as you did. See what she says.

However clearly I am very Unreasonable as I didnt have any family members as bridesmaids.. 21 years later they are all talking to me.. Grin

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/03/2017 13:03

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion

Including your sister.

I think many of your guests and family would also understand her being upset too.

I don't think you are seeing it though, as your last post suggests.

Blodplod · 06/03/2017 13:03

AtrociousCircumstance said Exactly what I wanted to say.. the lack of empathy is a sure sign. Beggars belief in my humble opinion. Of course a sister was going to be upset. I have 1 sister so she was my bridesmaid (no other friends) and I have 4 nieces and they were all flower girls. All or nothing as fair as I was concerned as someone would feel snubbed. My mother is a narcissist and lacks empathy, cannot understand or rationalise very hurtful behaviour at all. Hey ho

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 13:04

Your dismissal of all the responses here reflects your lack of interest in the feelings of others.

Yes I agree. You did come here for opinions. Yet you seem to be saying "sod that, I'll do what I want to do", without even considering what other people are saying, or the feelings of your sister (and sil).

BretonRose · 06/03/2017 13:04

Your BIL should ask your SIL to be a best woman vamps. It is a bit odd for her to be the only one with no role, it's your BIL's responsibility, not his fiancées.

PatsyMount · 06/03/2017 13:04

I cringe at the thought of being a BM but i still think YABU. I get that it is your day, but in that case just have your friend as the one BM (as you are not making a big thing of the BMs Hmm ) and have no sisters at all.

Of course she is upset

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/03/2017 13:04

However clearly I am very Unreasonable as I didnt have any family members as bridesmaids

I don't think that is unreasonable. Most posters have said it should be all or nothing.

Beelzebop · 06/03/2017 13:05

Enko, exactly! You had none, so nobody was upset. X

Writerwannabe83 · 06/03/2017 13:05

YABU.

I think it's quite cruel to leave one sister out - especially when your fiance's sister is a bridesmaid. If I was her I would be incredibly upset and humiliated.

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 13:06

Enko, the fact that you didn't have ANY family as bridesmaids is fine, as you treated them all equally. The probably that people are recognising here is that she has chosen one sister to be a bridesmaid, leaving the other feeling hurt and left out.

inlectorecumbit · 06/03/2017 13:06

Many years ago DSIL got married. She had our 2 DD's as bridesmaid and DH's brothers DS as page boy. There was no role for our DS who was 7 and incidently DSIL godson. They all sat at the top table, DS the only other child at the wedding sat with DH and I.

DS has never forgotton that he was left out and even now brings it up althought we have never told DSIL the reason for him being a bit standoffish. He is now 26 !!!

So for this reason l really feel sorry for your DSis and that YABVVU and if this goes ahead as it is your relationship may suffer in the future.

Somevampsarehot · 06/03/2017 13:06

@Breton that's what I said! However the soon to be pride is a practising Catholic and it will be a very traditional wedding; so no best women unfortunately.

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2017 13:07

You are right everyone is entitled to their own opinion and your sister is entitled to hers. Its not her age or immaturity is simply I think that she felt from her perspective that she is not your "closest" sister (and clearly based she isnt) and that you have picked favourites.

She has not put you in a horrible situation you have put yourself. Honestly what did you think would happen?

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 13:07

*problem

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 13:07

His fiance is having her 2 sisters as bridesmaids but not our soon to be shared sil. Sil is very offended that she's not being asked, whereas I don't think it's a big deal. What's the etiquette there?

I think it would have been good manners to have her as well - it's not just the bride's wedding, it's also the groom's. However, many seem to still have the thought of bridesmaids = bride's side, ushers/best men = groom's side.

It's like when people make a big hoo-ha about the mother of the bride and totally forget that the groom's mother is also going to be excited about her child's wedding day.

Somevampsarehot · 06/03/2017 13:08

The bride also only wants one of our sons involved (as a page boy/usher type thing I suppose) but I've already said it's both or none.

golfbuggy · 06/03/2017 13:08

Bridesmaids were not a big thing at my wedding either - that's why I didn't have any.

If you're picking people to be BMs, then actually it is a big thing ..

Frillyhorseyknickers · 06/03/2017 13:08

You wouldn't be unreasonable if they were all grown ups, but she's 18 years old - I would feel heartbroken if my sister had chosen my sister but not me to be bridesmaid.

It's annoying that she didn't bring it up as soon as she was told, although I suspect you completely took her by surprise and she was expecting to be asked to be bridesmaids.

I'm another who thinks you are being completely unreasonable.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/03/2017 13:10

YABU, for all the reasons already stated. She is 18, she is upset, for good reason. You just seem to want people to say you are NOT being unreasonable OP? In which case, there is no point doing this really.

HappyFlappy · 06/03/2017 13:11

Blimey - that escalated quickly!

If I were you OP, I'd either have ALL the sisters (yours, his and anybody else's you can think of who are likely to throw a hissy fit), or run away and get married quietly with two complete strangers as witnesses, then at least you have pissed off the entire family to the same degree.

(If you need witnesses, there are generally a couple of homeless guys dossing in the skip behind M&S. Offer them a pasty and a can of Special Brew for their trouble.)

PatsyMount · 06/03/2017 13:11

Enko ''However clearly I am very Unreasonable as I didnt have any family members as bridesmaids.. 21 years later they are all talking to me.''

That is the point Enko - most of us are saying it is all or nobody. YANBU (if you were posting 21 years ago Wink )

Somevampsarehot · 06/03/2017 13:11

Do you know what, I've talked myself round and now do feel a bit sad for my sil! All of the soon-to-be sil's siblings and nieces/nephews have a role, but there aren't enough spaces left for our side. I did have my sil as a bridesmaid, so she has got to be one for one brother at least.