wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

[BethanyCourt]

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

I really feel for your poor sister!
I have 4 sisters and I am getting married soon. I don't want four adult bridesmaids and dd so I'm just having dd. I wouldn't dream of only asking one sister even the one that I am closest to.

For goodness sake, if you end up worrying about offending the sisters, then you're going to have five bridesmaids, and that's NOT including your best friend. Your mum should have told her to catch a grip. Is she really planning on damaging her relationship with you, because of her wedding?

comingoverthehill (March 17 11.50)

A brief AS (oh what bad form, NAUGHTY Ed Balls) shows just how right you are. Rightly or wrongly, OP has issues with her family and feels her sisters do not 'deserve' greater involvement in her wedding. As I say she may/not be justified in this standpoint but whatever, the issues are hardly likely to be of her youngest sister's making.

Oh my word...such projection Ed! I really must go along to my local cinema to see if they've any vacancies!

The way I see it the OP had the following options:
1 bridesmaid: best friend
3 bridesmaids: all 3 of her sisters
4 bridesmaids: 3 sisters + friend
5 bridesmaids: 3 sisters + 2 SILs
6 bridesmaids: 3 sisters, 2 SILs + friend

That's 5 different options, all of which would have been fair, and I don't think they would have offended anyone too much (people might have been disappointed but at least they wouldn't have been snubbed by being treated differently from others with same status i.e. sister / SIL / friend).

Sorry coming that should have been march 8

I am personally waiting for the big drip feed/reveal regarding the younger sister. But I doubt the OP will be back.

Without it, it's impossible to know whether the younger sister is the 'baby' everybody pandered to at the OPs expense. I totally get what EDBALLS is saying. We don't know enough about the family dynamics here to know if the OP is being unreasonable.

BUT = to ask for a different perspective and get sniffy and run (with no further comment) - Very Unreasonable OP.

THat wasn't a very well written post.
I meant to say I totally get what EdBalls is saying and to add: but in my husband's family he as the oldest is constantly expected to suck things up "as the oldest" (it would appear). In his case, it is in favour of the middle child, his brother. It's bloody irritating, I can tell you. The outgrowth of that is that he is over accommodating to others (like a learned behaviour), sometimes at the expense of our family, and too hard (I have observed) on our elder DD. I am an only child - what do I know? I would have loved siblings but as I age I realise there are pros and cons...

It is your wedding so you can do what you want but your sister is entitled to be upset and disappointed. If you think about it if you are entitled to want things a certain way then why shouldn't she have the same right, not the right to have it but to want it.

My DD was broken hearted at 18 when she wasn't asked to be bridesmaid when her brother got married. She is his only sister, my DIL has no sisters. She picked two friends and within a year had fallen out with one and has more or less lost contact with the other. My DD is a great sister, SIL and auntie, she got over it. It still annoys me and although my DIL will never know it I do bear a grudge. I do hope when my DD gets married next year and my DIL realises she isn't having bridesmaids she will feel as hurt as I did because I am sure she is expecting my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid . My granddaughter won't be bothered, she is too young to care and will have a pretty dress and lots of fun.

I know, I know, it is childish but you hurt my child, any one of my children, and I don't forgive or forget.

Do think about it OP.

Oh gosh, me again.

What still gets my DH's goat is that when we announced our engagement and the first thing his brother said was: "Who is best man?" NO congratulations, etc. Just, what's in it for him.

"All will be announced in good time," was my DH's response. Red Rag to a bull as far as my in laws were concerned.

He was definitely a candidate for the 'job' all along but it spoiled everything for my DH that while they didn't say anything to him at the time, his parents called and blasted him later that evening telling him that he was expected to offer the role to his brother. "I had my brother, you have to have your brother," said the father. SO - he asked. BIL, if he was aware that the call had been made, didn't mind or feel like it was less of a 'real' request on DH's part. He just wanted the role and the most important consideration for his parents was that his brother wasn't put out.

When I was selecting my flowers (we got married in DH's home town), in particular the boutonneire (sp) for my DH and his brother, my MIL came with me and said: "I have two sons and I want them treated the same!" I was only marrying one of them - at the great age of 26, I didn't have the presence of mind or confidence to correct that (the way I would now.)

So - OP: there may be good reason to be sympathetic to you and your position.

YABU. Not that you'll listen. You obviously set out to make a point about who was closest to you and that makes you heartless. You set out a hierarchy and that's it, for the rest of her life she'll know how little she means to you. I would never do that to my siblings.

he as the oldest is constantly expected to suck things up "as the oldest" (it would appear). In his case, it is in favour of the middle child, his brother

Oh yes yes yes. I know that feeling. My sister who is the favourite lives overseas & was 3 times in the country near me, but "too busy" to see me or family nearby. It was only at the 3rd time this happened that my mother admitted that she could understand why I was a bit upset.

I'd never even try that behaviour, let alone get away with it.