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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 06/03/2017 12:53

For me this is all about your relationship with your sisters. I have been a bridesmaid where the bride had 3 sisters and only chose one sister (more like a friend to her than sister), me and her dp's sister (who she is exceptionally close to), all three of us got on like a house of fire so the whole dynamic just fit but her mother wasn't impressed, bride told her to get over it as we were the obvious choices in that instance BUT are you very very close to the sister you have chosen? Are you very close to your future sil or have you asked her to "seem fair" to both sides?

Jazzywazzydodah · 06/03/2017 12:54

She just wants a frock on!

She is a witness which is massively more important

Don't be forced in to changing your plans because some one is stamping their foot

January87 · 06/03/2017 12:54

All sisters or no sisters IMO.. If they're not such a big deal just slap the same dress on her and let her walk down the aisle if it's that important to her.

Twistmeandturnme · 06/03/2017 12:54

I didn't have my own children as Bridesmaids, but DHs. My two gave me away. All members of the wedding party are important; I don't get the big deal about bridesmaids tbh.
However, If it's a big deal to her then just have another one. It really isn't worth falling out over. It's the cost of one dress.

Astoria7974 · 06/03/2017 12:54

Sounds like an interfering partner to me. Or an interfering set of in laws. Either way if your dp is making you choose between his and your family already, the marriage doesn't look promising.

CoolCarrie · 06/03/2017 12:55

Could you add her to the wedding party at all? It is 3 months away, so surely enough time to add her and get her dress sorted out. She is a teenager and maybe she is taking it to heart feeling left out.

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 12:55

Thinking about it - in your shoes I'd also be wondering if I'd offended my one SIL who wasn't asked either. Picking between two sisters (unless one is much younger or particularly close) is really not nice either.

In your shoes I'd have either had your friend alone, your three sisters, all the sisters or all of them (and I don't think 5/6 is much different to 3).

Jazzywazzydodah · 06/03/2017 12:55

But it IS a big thing. It may not be big to you, but it is a big thing to be asked to be a bridesmaid

Bloody hell who's wedding is this?

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 06/03/2017 12:55

TBH op, I don't think you should of had sisters at all if there's too many for them all to be bridesmaids. It is clearly showing favouritism. I'd of just had my friend if I were you and not had any sisters, if it's a small wedding.

LucilleBluth · 06/03/2017 12:56

Why is it odd to have the SIL as BM? I have two sons and a younger DD, why wouldn't they want their little sister as a bridesmade, how odd.

Op I would just let her be a BM, she still quite young and probably wants to do the dressing up bit more than anything else.

Kiroro · 06/03/2017 12:56

I'd have had all your sisters and not DPs

Original poster

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:56

wow. I certainly lit the matches on this one. But hey ho. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 06/03/2017 12:56

Sorry but I'd be upset to. Either all sisters or none.

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 12:56

As your younger sister she's probably been waiting her whole life to be your bridesmaid! And now you've chosen your other sister over her it's understandable that she's going to be upset. I'm surprised that you didn't foresee this happening tbh. And as an 18 year-old she is going to feel this hurt more than somebody in their 20's or 30's would, that's normal.

Is there anyway you can include all of the female siblings as bridesmaids? As you've said, they don't have a major role, so maybe it wouldn't be too difficult to have more of them.

LucilleBluth · 06/03/2017 12:57

Astoria you are mental, the op has said no such thing, wind your neck in dear.

Kiroro · 06/03/2017 12:58

and a bit of a snub for the other SIL who wasn't asked!

Honestly OP - how did you not see this was going to cause upset?

? I have two sons and a younger DD, why wouldn't they want their little sister as a bridesmade, how odd.

Your son gets to have a best man. His wife gets to have bridesmaids. Unless she is choosing his best man, he doesn't get to choose her bridesmaids FFS.

FrenchLavender · 06/03/2017 12:59

I totally understand why you have done this, otherwise you'd have had to include all 5 sisters and your friend and six BMs is a lot, it might have felt like too many given the budget and size of the wedding.

However, I also understand why your youngest sister is upset. Things like this will be really big deal to most 18 year olds - they love the idea of proms and weddings and an excuse to 'princess' for the day and I have to say I feel for the poor kid, she must be hugely disappointed and feel really rejected. unless you have a truly horrible relationship with her I don't think I could have done this.

The fact that you have included one sister has made it worse and rubbed her nose in it. I think in the circumstances you should have had all the sisters on both sides (assuming they wanted to do it) or had no sisters on either side and just your best friend.

HaPPy8 · 06/03/2017 12:59

Well why did you ask if you were being unreasonable if you didn't want to hear peoples opinions?

1bighappyfamily · 06/03/2017 12:59

While her "head bridesmaid" and "closest" stuff is nonsense, YABU in not having her as bridesmaid.

Sorry OP, you came to the wrong place for reassurance clearly!

Northend77 · 06/03/2017 12:59

Not everyone sees it in the same way - being a bridesmaid may have been a bigger thing for your sister/s than for you. If you aren't making a big thing of bridesmaids and wanted a small bridal party then you should have just had your best friend and no sisters

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/03/2017 13:00

Your dismissal of all the responses here reflects your lack of interest in the feelings of others.

seafoodeatit · 06/03/2017 13:01

YABU, and I personally know someone this was done to, they didn't make a big deal of it or complain but it really hurt them, you can't leave a sibling out.

Somevampsarehot · 06/03/2017 13:01

Ooh I think you were brave picking out of your 3 sisters and your partners 2! I agree with pp, it would have to be all or nothing for me.
Sorry to derail the thread, but my bil is getting married. His fiance is having her 2 sisters as bridesmaids but not our soon to be shared sil. Sil is very offended that she's not being asked, whereas I don't think it's a big deal. What's the etiquette there? Both of her 2 other brothers are best men, so she's the only one without an official role, if that makes a difference?

Excited101 · 06/03/2017 13:02

Sorry, YABU. You should have had both of your sisters and none of his if you only wanted a limited number. Having some and not others is just a bit mean, creates divisions and screams favouritism- how could it not??

She's 18, that is young. I'm not surprised she's upset. She's BU to kick off to the extent she has but I can see how it has happened.

If I were you I'd be making a proper apology to her, say you hadn't realised how much it meant to her and it was a misjudgment on your part.

LucilleBluth · 06/03/2017 13:02

Kiroro, what sexist shite. I'm sure my DSs would want a say in what role their sister plays and there theoretical wedding. It's not 1950.

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