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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
brummiesue · 20/02/2017 22:47

Are you serious? Why on earth would you want to send your children away to school? Thank them and make up your own mind about your family.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 20/02/2017 22:48

Of course you shouldn't send her away if you don't want to.

What does your DH think?

PuntCuffin · 20/02/2017 22:49

No. Not with those hefty strings attached. A school should be chosen to suit the child not for some sort of family tradition. And you will know far better than they if the school is right for her.

Fluffy24 · 20/02/2017 22:49

What does DD think?

Grilledaubergines · 20/02/2017 22:50

Christ they sound so controlling.

Over my dead body would any child of mine not live with me.

Wolfiefan · 20/02/2017 22:50

Is it the best thing for your child?
Or is it a family tradition they want to selfishly carry on?
I'm guessing the second. In which case it's very simple. Does your DD know of this "offer"? What's her reaction?

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2017 22:50

Ridiculous idea if you're unhappy with it.

And what does 'help you look for a house' mean exactly? That they'd offer to pay for it?

quarkinstockcubes · 20/02/2017 22:51

Of course YANBU for not wanting to send her. Thank them and send her to the local school. What does yiur DH think?

Parietal · 20/02/2017 22:51

have you visited the school? without DH or in-laws, just on your own to see what you really think?

Boarding can be good, with the right school and the right child. but not just because it is a family school or because PIL want it.

LittleBoat · 20/02/2017 22:51

I wouldn't send my dc away to boarding school and I also wouldn't want someone else paying for their education.

Thanks but no thanks.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 20/02/2017 22:51

It has to be yours and your dh choice, while it's kind of in laws to offer to pay it as to be what you and your DH feel is best for dd.

Would they not pay for private education but not boarding? That way they get a top education but family life too

measles64 · 20/02/2017 22:51

My children went to a boarding school as day pupils, it does build self reliance, but some of them were very sad. They loved sleepovers at our house because of the freedom of having a lie in, raiding the fridge and generally doing as they pleased. They are still friends to this day. I would not have wanted my children to be boarders.

hoddtastic · 20/02/2017 22:51

absolutely no fucking chance.

Evergreen777 · 20/02/2017 22:51

Not at all. It's a massive decision to send a child to boarding school, and no reason at all to do it just because someone else is paying. Or just because your DH went there. You might be sensible to go and have a look at it just to see what you think of it though.

What does DH and DD think? If they're both really keen for her to board it might be hard to say no. But it's not for your PIL to decide.

If there are really good local independent day schools nearby which you'd like, you could try taking them into that. But sounds like they're dead set on a snobbish view of one particular school bring best just because they went there.

downwardfacingdog · 20/02/2017 22:52

Yanbu! Unless you think boarding is great it would surely be horrific to send your Dd away because your PIL say so?

noschooll4mee · 20/02/2017 22:52

Have you asked your children? I think they'd have a view .
I wouldn't personally do this . I would never board out my child and miss their daily/weekly rhythms of life . It's too precious and gone so quick .
I personally would never be held to ransom by someone else's money and ideas of how I should bring up my child. The best that I can do for my child is good enough ! No one else has to step in with their blackmail.

I'd say no feckin chance . Your child will make something of their own life . It doesn't hinge on this .

MrsHathaway · 20/02/2017 22:53

Yes, what does DD think?

Boarding can be a good fit for some children. Do you currently spend a lot of time taxiing her between gymnastics/music lessons/football coaching etc? Is she very sociable and goes on lots of playdates and sleepovers?

Modern boarding isn't like when DH went, let alone when FIL went.

I think you should at least consider it. If the school has a sixth form, would you consider it for 16+ more comfortably? Sixth form boarding can be a good springboard into adulthood for some children.

Witchend · 20/02/2017 22:54

Some children love boarding.
I knew a number at school who chose to board and I know some now.

I'd talk to your dd and see how she feels.

Tartyflette · 20/02/2017 22:54

Did your DH like it there? Does he think your DC will enjoy their time there? Or is it just that the idea is to give them the best education? (Whatever that is)
Fwiw, I went to boarding school and based on that experience would never, ever send my ds. Luckily it wasn't an issue, my DH would never have countenanced it either.
I know people say it encourages independence and self reliance amongst oither things but only at the very great expense of the loss of family life. I used to envy the day girls so much when they left at the end of the school day to go home to their parents and normal home life, dinner, tv, bickering, laughter, all that.
Last but by no means least, what does your DD think?

WinterWonders · 20/02/2017 22:54

As a Mum, you must follow your heart on this one.

Personally, I couldn't send our children to boarding school, regardless of them being given a chance of a 'top education'. However, I am probably biased on this matter, as my Dad went to boarding school as a young boy, and it really damaged him.

TheProblemOfSusan · 20/02/2017 22:54

Definitely definitely not. Not because of it being boarding school, that's a decision for you. I wouldn't send my children to my old school or any private school but that's just for you to decide. But their offer is so many strings - so controlling. No chance.

DJBaggySmalls · 20/02/2017 22:55

YANBU; they would be doing more if they offered to put the money aside for either university or to give her a start in life.

thebakerwithboobs · 20/02/2017 22:55

Our sons are all given the choice of boarding once they get to secondary school (and all, so far, have chosen it) purely because my husband's role in the military means that we are deployed every couple/three years and we need to allow them to choose continuity of friendships and education if they want it. They have all loved it so far but...and it's a huge but....it breaks my heart every time I take them back. They are still my boys and we are very close but the only thing that stops me going stir crazy with them not being at home is how happy they are and that it's their choice. If it weren't, and I had been pushed into it by inlaws, I genuinely don't think I could have done it. There is a huge amount of judgement about boarding school and people who 'send their children away' which is hard enough to deal with, without it being something you aren't 100% happy with. What does your daughter think?

GinIsIn · 20/02/2017 22:56

Boarding school can be amazing for the right child - I and all the other girls at my school loved it and I wouldn't hesitate to send my DC, but it's not for everyone.

What you need to consider is if you kept her at home, would it be for her benefit, or just for yours?

Pinkheart5915 · 20/02/2017 22:56

It has to be what you and your DH feel is best for dd and I think at year 5 I'd be talking to dd to see what she thinks too.

Have you visited the boarding school with dh and dd just to have a look see what it's like?
Would they pay for private education minus the boarding?

I'd be doing some research and looking at the schools, talking to my dc before I said a definite No.

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