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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
Notso · 21/02/2017 07:20

The fact they have pushed it since birth and are rigid with that school or no school would make me say no even if the school was Hogwarts.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bythepath · 21/02/2017 07:37

I went to boarding school, I was fine, I think like most people I know we boarded and that was that. It wasn't amazing, I did miss my home but I got a good education, made friends , played sports and went to uni and now have a job I love.

But I would never send my child away. As it was boarding I didn't live near any of my friends and in the very long holidays it was lonely, when I finished school I had no local friends and didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere. For me this has really affected me and looking back I would much preferred to have not boarded in my teens. People say it makes children very confident etc and for some it does but many people I know were very institutionalised by the school and struggled after leaving as living pretty much entirely in one bubble for 7 years and then facing the real world can be hard.

Good luck with making your decision.

TinfoilHattie · 21/02/2017 07:42

Would weekly boarding be an option? My cousin's daughter does this - not through choice but because she lives in a very remote area of Scotland and the school is over an hour away on windy, narrow roads. School bus picks up her daughter at 7.30 on a Monday morning and they leave school at 3 on a Friday to return home. Works very well, the kids love it (well to be fair they have no other option) and my cousin's child describes it as a "massive sleepover with her friends".

You have to make the decision for you and your daughter though, not just go along with what parents in law want.

Whatsername17 · 21/02/2017 07:42

I wouldn't want my child to live away from home at 7. I couldn't imagine not getting to read her a bedtime story or help with homework. 2 hours is a long way away. I just wouldn't do it. I grew up on a council estate, went to the local comprehensive which had successive poor HMI inspections and was closed down the year I left. I went to a great college, two good universities and worked my way up the career ladder and live a very comfortable life. I know the top schools open doors to an elite world I will never be privy too, but I didn't need the top schools to get me where I wanted to be. Your dd could be perfectly happy and successful without following the private school route. Id say no. Review the situation when she's 11 if she is keen.

mrsp0tts · 21/02/2017 07:43

No. No. No. and NO.

You and your DP are the ones who make decisions about your children, nobody else.

She is an interfering, pushy busy body.

I would never send my kids off to live at school away from home. If a relative was pushing me to do it and said they would pay they would be shown the door pronto.

If you don't want it, she doesn't go, simple.

Limitededition7inch · 21/02/2017 07:47

To the poster who said "she would absolutely do better there than your run of the mill comp": that is absolute nonsense. I teach in a run of the mill comp, attended a run of the mill comp, and I'm sure the five students who have Oxbridge offers this year, plus all my friends who are doctors, engineers and executives would disagree that they have been hindered by their "run of the mill" education.

Anecdotally, too, all my university friends who attended independent schools (think the top ones too) are doing some quite unremarkable things with their lives.

I would never use either experience to make sweeping judgements about either sector of education, and I've also taught in selective education too. That PP's response just perpetuates the typical division between the sectors that doesn't need to exist.

OP, you do what you feel is best for your child. Don't let your ILs browbeat you into making such a crucial decision. A happy, much loved child at a state school will flourish over an unhappy child at a top independent school, and who knows she's there because her parents bowed to the pressure of her GPs.

mrsp0tts · 21/02/2017 07:52

I also think some people are way too over invested in schools. Obsessive in fact. In this case it seems to be a deep rooted thing with your MIL that this school is the be all and end all.

I am a firm believer that wherever a child goes to school, they will thrive with the right tools, encouragement and support from teachers and parents.

My child will go to the local state school. The one that is a 5 minute walk from our house. End of. There will be no fannying about moving house, leaving home to rent elsewhere temporarily, lying on application forms, going to church, getting baptised etc. And I think unless necessary due to travel constraints in remote areas, sending such a small child to live at boarding school is not necessary.

witsender · 21/02/2017 07:55

Yanbu, over my dead body.

If they were genuinely concerned as to educational standards they would be helping find a school that meets all your needs instead of insisting on this particular one. As it is, they're wanting to continue a tradition overruling all else.

Limitededition7inch · 21/02/2017 07:59

mrsp0tts

This. Also some parents seem to forget that the school cannot do absolutely everything for their child and their child alone, and that a certain degree of parenting is involved for their child to be happy and successful. It's not bloody rocket science.

SoupDragon · 21/02/2017 08:03

One of the downsides of selective education is that it breeds cunts like your in-laws

did you have a selective education?

WarblingWail · 21/02/2017 08:08

What does your dc think?

Have you visited the school?

I loved my boarding school, boarded for the whole of secondary, and I'm glad my parents sent me. I really wouldn't have had the same opportunities at the local state school. Slightly different circumstances in that I'm from a military background and my parents wanted to give me a stable education. If you have a good state near you and you're never going to move then I can see why you wouldn't want to send her. But please remember lots of kids enjoy boarding, and if it's only 2hours away she could be a weekly boarder.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 08:13

Lol soupdragon

SuburbanRhonda · 21/02/2017 08:16

Other people's experiences of boarding school are irrelevant here. The OP isn't asking about that.

OP, if they are really interested in giving your DD a "better education" and not just continuing the tradition, they should be supporting your family to make the best choice for your child, whatever that choice may be.

If they say, "It's this school or nothing", that would be a no from me.

Vegansnake · 21/02/2017 08:24

How controlling ...NO .is yr answer

ScrapThatThen · 21/02/2017 08:27

Only if you would consider it if it was your money - make it your parenting decision. I fear once you go to the glossy open day this will run away from you.

Sparklingbrook · 21/02/2017 08:32

I would also worry what the ILs reaction would be if she started and a term in hated it. It would be hard to pull her out with all that pressure.

PuntCuffin · 21/02/2017 08:38

Palliser says far more eloquently what I tried to say briefly very early on in this thread. I have no issue with boarding or private education, but the decision about where and whether to board should be made with the interests of the child first and foremost.

Are they going to insist on visiting with you and trying to sway your judgement? What happens if she does not get a place for any reason? Or you think it really isn't the school for her, but would suit DS, maybe. And what other things in life are you going to feel beholden to them for after this? It is the limitations on their offer that would put me off.

Mix56 · 21/02/2017 08:47

I went to boarding school, there were kids who loved, hated or just accepted their lot. I guess I was in the last category. It definitely "formed me" into being independent & many would say "extrovert". the education however was excellent, & I was made to keep up, which for me was essential.
It was made up of rich, army, overseas & basically decent income families, but not a mega reputation school either. So no real snob value.
had I gone to our local comp, (at the time one of the biggest in the UK), I would have failed, rebelled & become a nightmare teenager ! It's easy to see that now, obviously no one could have predicted that at the time.
my brothers also were sent to boarding school, so I would have been alone at home anyway. but I do agree with the no "local" friends remark earlier. I had none.

I would have liked my DD to go to weekly board private school, her father saw no need, & didn't want to pay, altho we could have afforded it.
It was the worst decision we have ever made. she ended up dropping out with all sorts of horrific behaviour...

What I don't like about your situation is the offer to pay only for this one school option? it seems like a status issue, & not what is necessarily best for the DD. However I would definitely go & see, weekly boarding is a great compromise (she can stay at w/e if there are activities/sport if necessary)
& know that if she absolutely hates it, she can leave.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/02/2017 08:56

I think your DD needs an opportunity to think about it, in a clear you do NOT have to do this way.

Your ILs have a very disturbingly elitist view though - to offer to pay is fine but to be adamant its only ONE school and it has to be this boarding school, meh

It says more about them and their blinkered views, than about their consideration for your DD

BTW not wanting to lose both children at 11, that's NOT selfish OP

mrsp0tts · 21/02/2017 09:04

Mix56

You seem to think going to the local comp means horrific behaviour, failure, rebellion Confused that's snobbery.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 21/02/2017 09:04

They sound bat shit crazy.

Allthebestnamesareused · 21/02/2017 09:07

If it was a genuine offer out of concern for their education they would be willing to pay for the children to have a private education locally on a day pupil basis.

As grandparents paying (if they can pay fees out of their income rather than capital then they get tax breaks for doing this). Will there be other expectations placed on you? You must come on holiday, we must come for Christmas. Would they be likely to threaten to withhold fees if you are not dancing to their tune? It may well be a genuine desire to do "the best" for your child/their grandchild but it doesn't mean that their version of "the best" is actually the best.

Go to the open day with an open mind.

However, I would suggest before going to that particular school you do go to a couple of independent schools locally to get an idea of what is available to you locally. Otherwise you too might be "wowed" by the school especially if comparing it to local state schools.

If you are able to say Boarding School "A" does offer this and this but actually local independent "B" offers the same facilities and has similar (or maybe better) exam results".

Be open minded but also be firm when you have made your decision.

My DH went to a stately home type boarding school and I went to a selective grammar and we have gone for the happy medium of a selective independent on a day basis.

zoemaguire · 21/02/2017 09:13

Beware what your DD 'chooses' - she's not really old enough yet to make that kind of decision. 15 yes, 10 no. My DH 'chose' to go to boarding school at a similar age, but now as an adult realises that he wasn't in any shape or form old enough to realise the full implications of his choice at such a young age.

Robstersgirl · 21/02/2017 09:18

Just putting this out there and I'm aware the same could happen at any school but I knew someone who was an alcoholic, fresh out of prison who got a job working in the kitchens at Charterhouse school (posh Surrey school) they didn't even DBS check him. He even said he literally could've poisoned (not that he wanted to, just hypotheticallly) any of the children as they had no idea of his background. This was back in 99. It's always made me freak out a bit that they can't be governed the same way as state schools? YANBU Children flourish with involved parents.

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