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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
Girlwhowearsglasses · 20/02/2017 22:56

But most boarders don't start until year nine. Your DD 'may' decide its what she really wants.. I wouldn't have myself but it's not beyond the bounds of possibility.

We looked at this briefly for DS- it actually looks quite an interesting proposition nowadays- for some children... for instance no ferrying and umming and ahing about after school activities - they are laid on and on campus.

Have you had a proper look? It's not something I'd choose but sometimes it's worth investigating to eliminate it.

Myself I'd have loved Bedales - but it wouldn't suit my DCs

mineofuselessinformation · 20/02/2017 22:57

I think it really depends how old they are and whether or not they can make an informed decision.
I know I'm going against the grain here, (and have on my flame-proof hat ready), BUT, if it's a good, proven secondary school, it's worth considering.
If DF is primary aged, I think it's too soon to think about it - and there are all of the strings attached to consider.

AML84 · 20/02/2017 22:57

What does your DD want? Perhaps you, DH & DD could all go and visit, have a tour, etc. then see how you all feel. If you don't like it, you don't have to send her.

I went to boarding school and loved it - my parents initially didn't want me to go away as my mother had hated boarding, but we found one that was perfect. I had an amazing all-round education and got into a really good university as a result - and the friends I made at school are still my closest friends 20 years on.

2014newme · 20/02/2017 22:57

If this was about the best education for your dd they wouldn't be insisting on that one school. This is about control and power. Don't give in.

Wolfiefan · 20/02/2017 22:58

The baker that's totally different though. You have made a decision WITH your children about what is best for THEM! I think that's actually really rather selfless.

LouLouLoveHeart · 20/02/2017 22:59

Why are your PILs allowed to interfere in your parenting?

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2017 23:00

I'm also not sure about allowing parents/inlaws to pay for their grandchildren's education, after some of the horror stories on here.

It's caused a lot of trouble for some people, with the grandparents wanting a say in everything to do with the kid's schooling etc.

pinkdelight · 20/02/2017 23:01

"This is about control and power. Don't give in."

Absolutely this. Why on earth would you do it just because they're insistent? They've had their DC. You do things your own way. The school can't be that great if it turns out such pushy controlling weirdos.

Topseyt · 20/02/2017 23:02

I wouldn't do get. Why should PIL dictate like that?

She is your child, not theirs. They have no right to railroad you into this.

You don't say what your DH's take on this is though. I hope he is on your side.

thebakerwithboobs · 20/02/2017 23:02

Wolfie yes, it is different, entirely. I suppose the point I am making is that it's hard enough to not have the children at home, even when it's their choice, but to do it at someone else's bidding would be unbearable. We have four that board already and two that are still in primary school-I draw the line at primary boarding-I always hold out hope that one will want to stay with Mummy but the older ones have the time of their lives so I can't see it happening!

Melaniaspilatesinstructor · 20/02/2017 23:04

Noooooooooo don't do it. Just don't.

EineKleine · 20/02/2017 23:04

Why on earth would they limit it to one specific school? To offer money for that school only they can't value the GC much as individuals.

I went to boarding school at 10. I hugged my 10 year old quite a lot today and every time I do it at the moment, I'm thankful she is not having to pack all her belongings into 2 suitcases, sleep in a different bed every term and feel that she doesn't have a proper home. I know others have different experiences but it's not something I would consider for my own children..

Secretsquirrel252 · 20/02/2017 23:06

I'd say they are being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because you don't want her to board. What kind of person would offer to pay tens of thousands of pounds for their grandchildren's education only if their parents agree to send them to a specific school miles from where they live?

Original poster
mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 23:08

We are going to an open day next month and DD thinks it's like 'Malory towers' so is quite keen 😔. Will try and keep brain switched on and ask good questions. Yes I think it is a power trip of PIL but I guess I can suck it up if it's good for DD. Just can't be sure that it is a good thing contracting out that kind of responsibility - maybe that's me being UR -

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 20/02/2017 23:08

No fecking way! This isn't about choosing a school that's the best fit for your daughter, it's about manipulating you in to following some weird family tradition.

Carollocking · 20/02/2017 23:10

I guess moving is possibly a good option as then can be a day attendee instead,if your friends are in any way connected with daughters and sons school now I can say they won't be friends after,it's a totally diffferent world.
The intentions are always good to stay friends be in touch etc. But it dosent happen well rarely anyway.
These schools have really great activities if she did board and are great to see directions your child is succeeding in and of course failing in and have great help when needed.
It does tend to make them mature quicker and you kind of loose that real child in them (good or bad depends how you feel of course).
I will say boarding makes them very independent so if you like your little girl to stay a little girl some longer then don't send her.
Also there is that feeling your only the holiday home and on the end of the phone as the bank when they board.quite different as a day girl however that itself brings a few problems of its own as often you will find there's the day girls group and the boarders girls group and not much mixing between.
All I say is truly if you want your girl stay a girl a bit longer don't send her.
In the good side is she'll have a great education,great activities,great support and right or not she will get that job that university place rightly or wrongly but true.

user1486499646 · 20/02/2017 23:12

Never in a million years would i allow my child to live apart from me who would take care of them strangers?? Hell no!

Starlight2345 · 20/02/2017 23:12

What does DH think?

It is not something I would consider... the one school only option would really put me off.

It seems to have so many strings attached.

Strygil · 20/02/2017 23:12

Tell them that if they have that amount of money to spare they are welcome to create two trust funds, one each for your two children, to be spent on their education as you and your husband see fit. If they aren't willing to do that then they are not interested in their grandchildren's education, they are simply interested in controlling their son and daughter in law. Fucking sauce.

edwinbear · 20/02/2017 23:14

Oh my gosh,what a difficult decision. We are struggling to pay private school fees after my redundancy and I will do almost anything to keep them at the wonderful (day) school they are at. I do feel (and I am prepared for the blasting), that a private school education can give them the edge in a very, very difficult environment. I've been asked several times at interview in the last 6 months if I went to a private school (I did) which is totally irrelevant having spent nearly 20 years in my investment banking industry - but it is sadly still a reality. In your situation I'd try my absolute best to try and convince them a private day school would be just as good.

NiceMoustache · 20/02/2017 23:14

What pressure are they going to put on her in the future. We've spent all this money send expect you to travel X Y or Z road.... Hell. No.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 20/02/2017 23:14

I went to a very exclusive boarding school and it totally messed me up. But my Grandmother was convinced I was gifted and should be in the best school asap. My mother often talks about how she should have stood her ground. You know what is best for you and your family, hold firm. If they really want to put funds towards her future, they could invest in a trust fund for we she goes to uni.

That being said, you can always go and visit the place, look around the school, the area etc. Take DD on a girls day out and check it out and discuss it with her. No commitment.

Then make the decision that feels right for the both of you. Remember though that fancy pants school may be a great experience, but education is down to the individual. If she is a good student she will succeed where ever she is happiest.

thebakerwithboobs · 20/02/2017 23:15

Also there is that feeling your only the holiday home and on the end of the phone as the bank when they board.quite different as a day girl however that itself brings a few problems of its own as often you will find there's the day girls group and the boarders girls group and not much mixing between.

This is a good example of how schools differ incredibly as the boarding school our boys attend is nothing like this-for the next exeat we are having the boys home plus three of their friends, two of whom are day boys. They all say that they hang out with the day boys during the day and boarders in the boarding house otherwise they would get sick of each other! We've also never felt as though we are the holiday home-the boys (even the big hairy arsed 18 yo) love coming home and all four call/text every day. Mummy's boys and not ashamed of it!

That's not at all me disputing the comment in bold, I just wanted to highlight that every setting is different, has different dynamics and pupils in. Would this school allow weekly boarding? That can be a happy medium?

MrsHathaway · 20/02/2017 23:15

In the good side is she'll have a great education,great activities,great support and right or not she will get that job that university place rightly or wrongly but true.

This isn't necessarily true: we have only heard that it's the school DH and FIL went to. It could be utter shit. I can't see any comments from OP about its reputation.

I don't think that choosing boarding is abrogating your parental responsibility. Nowadays boarding parents are pretty involved. Also the time they do spend at home - would weekly boarding be an option to maximise that? - tends to be high quality because parents can condense the minutiae of life into the week and actually spend time bonding with their teens at the weekend. There isn't a lot of quality time in a frantic school week for day pupils especially if parents work full time. They zoom off for the bus with scarcely a bite of toast and a backward glance, and in the evenings they're neck-deep in homework and Instagram.

AtHomeDadGlos · 20/02/2017 23:18

Where would DD receive the better education?