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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 20/02/2017 23:18

They don't want what's best for your children; they want control.

If they truly wanted what's best for your children, they would ask you what would be valued most by you for your children: private school nearby, saving money for university, etc. They're not offering that, though, are they. They want to pick the school, the location... and nothing else will do.

Have your DH tell them no and not to raise the subject again until and unless they really want to know and support what you and he (their parents!) think would be most useful for the children long term.

Tartyflette · 20/02/2017 23:18

If she does want to go and you all eventually agree to go for it, please keep flexible and be prepared to take action if she becomes unhappy and desperate to come home. No 'well you wanted to go so you have to stick it out etc'
Bear in mind there can be little escape from bullying at a boarding school and i presume the one you have in mind is very, um, traditional, seeing as both your DH and his Dad went there. (Jesus-- it's not Gordonstoun, is it? )

Bahh · 20/02/2017 23:22

I think I'd sell up and move the 2 hours to allow them to be day pupils personally.

I don't think it can be underestimated how important a quality education is these days. And yes you can send them to the local primary and comp and they'll learn if they want to learn yadda yadda yadda. I'm not disputing that. But they probably won't get to meet the future CEOs, politicians, entrepreneurs of the country at the local primary and comp. They probably won't get the same strong sense of structure and routine associated with high performing adults ingrained into their daily life. They probably won't have quite as many opportunities. Right or wrong it's how it is.

I'd want them starting off on a strong foot and be providing as many open doors as possible once they leave that school. Can't really put a price on it imo.

Plus I do hear it's fun and creates a lifelong sense of comraderie. Seems like the best of both worlds if you ask me, she gets possibly one of the best educations in the country and still comes home to you at the end of the day.

NiceMoustache · 20/02/2017 23:22

Is it the one with floor length skirts...

Flum · 20/02/2017 23:23

I personally would not accept this kind offer for a few reasons. The first being that I think it is more important to match the school to the child than to go to a school just because it is a family tradition. Plus I think a 'gift' given with so many conditions is not really a gift at all.

I woudl thank the parents for their kind offer and empathise with their loyalty to the school. I wouldn't say no outright but I would say of those are the conditions then no.

If however they were willing to look at other good schools near by and consider putting a fund into a bare trust for the child's education under your control then yes I woudl consider IT.

There are so many possible things that could go wrong otherwise. Such as you have a fall out with them and they stop paying!!!

Also, contrary to some people's opinion I think you should go to the school and look at it and give the child the chance to see it too. if it came out later that you 'took this opportunity away' from your child that coudk cause a rift there.

NomNomNominativeDeterminism · 20/02/2017 23:24

YANBU. I would say 90% of the people I know who went to boarding school had eating disorders into adulthood. And someone close to me is still clearly affected by having been very unhappy at boarding school, despite it having been a very small proportion of his life.

On the other hand, the other 10% say they had a great time.

Maybe the unhappy ones would have been unhappy wherever. But why chance the impact of young teenagers having to deal with the separation? Where they fall back on their own emotional resources not out of choice but because no-one there cares about them on a day-to-day basis to the same degree that their parents would if they were at home?

timeisnotaline · 20/02/2017 23:24

This would be tricky. I would consider moving to send her as a day student if the school is amazing (and looks like it would suit her) , but I would find it very difficult to send her off to board. I think there is also a talk needed to the pil - possibly by your dh although have you mentioned how he feels? I would gently point out that offering to pay for this school is a stronger focus on tradition than on education, education is the most important thing to me and that 1. if I change my mind that this school is the best place for her then I will withdraw her and they are expected to deal with this graciously , and 2. That dd be permitted to choose her activities etc with no undue influence 'oh you MUST do X, your father and grandfather and great uncle Bart all loved it' ....

Xmasbaby11 · 20/02/2017 23:24

No I wouldn't even consider it.

INeedNewShoes · 20/02/2017 23:30

One thing to think about is whether the PIL's funding for the school might dry up in future.

I know someone whose parents paid for their kids to go to private school and then a few years down the line for various reasons stopped funding the private education. They are left skimping and saving to continue paying for the private education to which their two children have become accustomed.

Having said that, I have no doubt whatsoever that the education these children are receiving is of a very good standard and that they have far more opportunities provided by the school than many state schools would offer.

DeffoJeffo · 20/02/2017 23:31

I'm going to go against the grain here and say please do keep an open mind at the open day. I absolutely loved boarding and was very active in the decision to go for it. It totally transformed my life for the better and I still have a great relationship with my parents. It may be that your FIL and DH had great experiences too hence the offer - not just feeling the need to "carry on some weird family tradition" as PPs have said. Modern boarding isn't like in the old days, they can still have lots of contact with you and have regular leave weekends etc. Doesn't suit everybody by any stretch but I think you should get a good feel as to whether it would suit your DD at the open day. I've got some other boarding school info if you want to PM me at all :)

AwaywiththePixies27 · 20/02/2017 23:33

Given it will be your DD that will be having to live the next 5 or more (if sixth form) years there. What does she have to say about it?

Tbh. I wouldn't disregard it entirely. I had a school friend who's Dad was in the army. She always said she wished they'd sent her to boarding school so she would have had the stability rather than having to change schools several times when her Dad got posted all over Europe.

But to echo a pp. Is it to give DD the best education or to carry on a family tradition?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 20/02/2017 23:34

Was PILs offer to help you find a house nearer so your DD can just be a day pupil instead? Or were they just trying to force your hand?

edwinbear · 20/02/2017 23:36

I'm with Ewe they want to dictate, not help, through some sort of misguided family tradition.

MrsHathaway · 20/02/2017 23:36

I would just love it if OP and her DD looked round and thought "you know what, this is perfect" and the PIL had a coronary at all the changes, how it's not cold showers and compulsory Latin and habitual abuse of power any more.

fannydaggerz · 20/02/2017 23:38

I don't understand why people send their child away to boarding school. I couldn't imagine my child not living with me.

MsPavlichenko · 20/02/2017 23:39

I am not in favour of private education. That said it exists and is a choice for those able to afford it.

If they were offering to pay for a school of your, and your DC choosing, and you wanted it, then by all means accept. This is entirely different, and is clearly controlling and does not bode well for future choices. Why is the money for fees not simply available for whatever school you choose? I'd be very wary indeed.

Ericaequites · 20/02/2017 23:39

Boarding mostly likely means a far better education than the local leafy comp. I went to private school as a day student, but had enough homework that it would have been easier to weekly board at least. Go in with an open mind.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 20/02/2017 23:40

Bahh I understand the sentiment, really I do, DD wanted to go to our private school after a day trip there (I could never afford it) but the thing about connections etc is not quite true of everyone.

Our current Prime Minister, went to state school.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 20/02/2017 23:41

Agree DeffoJeffo I watched something recently where the boarding kids were facetiming their parents. They all looked very well looked after and happy.

kateandme · 20/02/2017 23:42

no let her stay,your mummy gut says so.enough said!

MrsHathaway · 20/02/2017 23:42

How old is your child, fanny? I assume you expect them to leave eventually.

I have been a boarder (never the full boarding though) and later worked at a couple of boarding schools so my perspective isn't the same as some posters. Certainly I wouldn't like the idea of sending my Y4 child to board, even though I have experience of Y4 boarders. But I've seen what a good experience it can be for certain kinds of children - and how damaging for others - so really it's about OP's family and her children in particular.

Indeed the school might suit DD and not DS. It might be worth thinking about what you'd do if that were the case and you ended up in a position of feeling obliged to treat them differently.

Carollocking · 20/02/2017 23:44

All I will say though is if they are paying then are they willing to put the money in a fund so they can't withdraw the offer if you don't do as they say in the future,as if you can't afford the fees yourself (I'm not saying you can't )but if that is the case for her to go for a time and get pulled out would be a nightmare to deal with.
Also if she's a clever girl she may pass the entrance exam and get part funded at another school you choose,and don't forget there's 10000 places been made available each year for extra free places at all these schools.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 20/02/2017 23:44

It isn't really about whether OP's DD will get the best possible education at this school, though, is it? If it were, then the GPs would be offering to pay for DD to attend the best school for her talents and interests, probably more locally, rather than insisting that it's Daddy and Grandpa's alma mater or nothing.

What will they want for their (considerable) investment, OP? Carbon copies of all reports and correspondence from the school? Licence to berate DD if her grades slip? Are you willing to grant them this?

edwinbear · 20/02/2017 23:45

A family at my DC's school sent their DD off to boarding school whilst keeping their DS at home. Because she spent so much time at after school drama,sports meets, music practice etc that their second child trailed around behind his super talented sister. There was much tension at home where the son started playing for his school and they decided all round that everyone would be happy if she boarded to accommodate her needs whilst her younger brother stayed at home doing his thing. Each their own.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 20/02/2017 23:46

Also - if for any reason they withdrew the funds could you afford to pay the fees yourselves (and for DS later on)? Apologies if I sound cynical but if they have any form whatsoever for pettiness or control then they are about to have you over a barrel for the next ten years as they can threaten to withdraw the funding at any time.