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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/02/2017 06:20

Remind them that they'll need to save their money for their own future care fees.

I'm guessing anyone who is prepared to financially invest in their grandchild's future education for the next five years is savvy enough to have also planned for the event if one of them falls ill or needs caring for. Not all elder relatives need caring for. My 80yo grandmother is very independent and fitter than me most days.

oh and don't let your child have to make this decision - don't even give her a vote, just an opinion

I don't agree sorry. If the child was younger then yes, the decision is ultimately the parents but at the OPs DDs age (presumably secondary school age) it's only right and proper that she's involved in the discussion. It is her education after all.

Yura · 21/02/2017 06:23

Ask you daughter - it should be her decision. i would havd loved it, my husband snd his brother both weng (to different school) and had such great experiences!

ohgoshIdontknow · 21/02/2017 06:25

Haven't RTFT but if it's a good school I'd take them up on it.

I went to boarding school and loved every minute and would do the same for my DC if I possibly could afford it - longing for my in laws to put their hands in their pocket!

Iris65 · 21/02/2017 06:28

This reminds me of Helen, Rob and Henry from The Archers. Villainous behaviour.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 21/02/2017 06:32

No. YANBU!!!! Unless your DD really wants to go, in which case you should maybe consider it, but only maybe.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 21/02/2017 06:32

Don't suck it up.

Why choose to let your in laws manipulate and control your family's life decisions? It's all about what your in laws want and their traditions. Not about your kids or their true needs.

If they wanted the best for your family, they would be giving the cash but letting you and your DH strategically and appropriately use it. Tutors? Clubs? Special life experiences whilst attending local secondary school.

There is no way I would consider this. Education is wider then what happens in school. What about your family unit? Your close relationships and shared day to day life?

I'd say no. I'd tell your DD it's not like Malory towers. And I'd ask the inlaws to save the cash for your children's uni or house deposit.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 21/02/2017 06:37

It's utterly bonkers that the in laws are obsessing about this. Why don't they finance your kids attending a local fee paying school? They will help you to move away from your job and your relatives (basicly your life!) to fulfill their dream. What manipulative selfish people.

fuckwitery · 21/02/2017 06:43

On a few things here really.
Firstly this needs to be your, DH and DD decision. I went to boarding school and loved it. My parents let me try it for a term (I was super keen) and I would have hated not to stay on. Made my best friends there. But there were some girls who struggled more. Especially at the beginning (11 years old).

Secondly does the school do weekly boarding? That's a great compromise I think. During the week whilst all the activities,sports,choir and drama are going on they are on site and you get them home all weekend.

Finally if this is a very well known school with lots of very wealthy parents (and assuming you aren't super wealthy as your ILs would be paying) do you want your DD to be the "poor kid"? Children can be quite cruel.

OliviaStabler · 21/02/2017 06:44

I'd go and keep an open mind. Make the decision as a family with your dad's best interests at the heart of that decision.

The one worry I would have is if you fell out with the PIL's or the funding dried up.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 06:46

I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand. Ask your dd. It's a real pity they won't stump up for another private day school though! Are you absolutely sure they won't? Is there a good named day school that they might consider. I agree with Pp that schools change a lot and it might not be the school they remember.

Sparklingbrook · 21/02/2017 06:48

It would be a no from me. I wouldn't even go and look. That would give the ILs the impression you are possibly going to do it.

I wouldn't stand for being manipulated like that.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 06:53

I wouldn't stand for being manipulated like that

I wouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face. My ILS pay Dd2s school fees at the same school dil went to (she's a day girl though) and it's amazing.

Skooba · 21/02/2017 06:55

You need to visit and get a feel for the place. Just because it suited DH yonks ago is no help. And you MusT visit several others too to make a comparison, you can only really see flaws if you see others doing it right. And don't take DILs along take an unbiased friend.

Hatemylifenow · 21/02/2017 06:55

I wouldn't do this in a million years but I don't agree with private schooling at all.

Sparklingbrook · 21/02/2017 06:56

I would not want ILs to pay for my child's schooling. Full stop. And be beholden to them.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 06:57

Oh I don't mind sparklingbrook. It means dd2 is getting the best education for her. I am very grateful actually.

Sparklingbrook · 21/02/2017 07:00

Each to their own but it doesn't sit well with me.

Paninotogo · 21/02/2017 07:03

One of the downsides of selective education is that it breeds cunts like your in-laws

Hatemylifenow · 21/02/2017 07:06

pain Grin

TheApprentice · 21/02/2017 07:08

I think your in laws are being massively controlling and unfair. My parents very generously pay school fees for our children but it was made quite clear that the choice of school was up to us.

I would never have entertained boarding school for them having been myself and hated it. I thought it was going to be like Malory Towers too. It wasn't!

crumble82 · 21/02/2017 07:08

I started boarding aged 8 and was very homesick, however started a new school at 11 and really enjoyed it. When my parents gave me the option at 16 to go daily I turned it down. It is important the school is right for your DD. See how she feels after the open day and if she gets in with the other children on the day.
FWIW I've always been a great advocate of boarding schools but now I am a mother I hate the thought of not seeing my dc every day. I would find it even harder if I felt I was being pushed into the decision. I hope you and your DD find a solution you're both happy with.

IdaDown · 21/02/2017 07:10

^"Lots of knee jerking "no way" reactions here.
Why not forget the cost for a moment and take your child to visit the local state option and the boarding school and go with an open mind. include the opinion of your DC in the decision.
Can they board weekly?"^. 38cody

^^ this

Compare and contrast the lessons, sport and extra curricular options of each school and then have a look at the leavers destinations (universities and types of courses).

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 21/02/2017 07:13

Don't take your DD to see it. Take your DH and then look at fee paying schools local to you. For comparison. Don't enable your in laws to make such a big life changing decision.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 21/02/2017 07:19

Are they controlling in other areas of your life?