AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

[mollythedogsmum]

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

Some people on this thread are so rude an ignorant.

More to the point, babybubbles which famous singer are you???

No one on this thread can answer this for you - none of us knows your daughter, your home circumstances, what the local state school is like or which boarding school you are talking about. One thing rings out loud and clear for me though, if I was sending daughter away to school I would want to look at lots of different establishments to find out which suited her best. I would not just send her to the place her family had been going since time immemorial as if one size could ever fit all! You know your daughter, trust your maternal instinct and do what is best for her and YANBU if you decide that this particular boarding school is not for her.

I went to boarding school at 14. Totally homesick the first year but loved it from there on in.

If I didn't want to go I wouldn't have been made to go.

I noticed the girls that joined a bit later liked it more than those who started at 8.

I think your daughter has been offered a good opportunity. If she likes the idea and wants to try it out then that's too good to miss.

I haven't seen her age in this thread. She might not like the idea if she's 11 but she might if she's 13. I'd take her views into account and as others have said, visit the school lots.

I actually found it I had a lot more freedom at school than at home.

It's about fit.
I would have hated not having the comfort of a mother's cuddle when the bullies had had their claws out on a particular day. I went to a good comp. I am a lawyer. I have routines etc. I did better than boarding school cousins - none of whom would send their kids.
DH went to boarding school very young. He believes it was the making of him, and I suspect he is right. Once he'd escaped the first couple of years of Tom Browns Schooldays bullying, he made lifelong friends. But you do have to be independent, and he maintains emotional distance as a self protection for a long time. A habit learned there. He had an excellent education.
Of mine DS1 would not cope; DS2 probably would. But DS2 comp is a fantastic school. It only performing arts selects, but every child has an excellent social and academic education. There are kids of the chattering classes there, so connections can be made, but they rub shoulders across social boundaries which may prevent that sense of arrogant entitlement some kids from public schools adopt.

So OP YANBU. Go have look. Get a feel for the school. Look at alternative boarding schools to have some like for like comparisons. Get PILs to view some good day schools.
If you go for the family school get your own strings. No PILs at parents eves parents only. Etc.
If you don't like it, don't send DD. She will be fine with you as her Mum.

There are 2 issues here as far as I can see:

1. whether boarding is for your children
2. whether you're happy for your pils to have control over your child's education

As to point 1, I went to a boarding school and on the whole disliked it. I have no friends from there I'm still in contact with and as I moved back to where I grew up I've had to work incredibly hard to make new lifelong friends.

My sister went to the same school and though she didn't like it much either, she has an incredible set of close friends which I think made all the difference for her.

I personally wouldn't send my children off to board though the secondary school we're looking at does have boarding and if she wanted to desperately, I'd consider it.

2. my dd goes to a private school and it suits her very well. The classes are small and she's flourishing. My parents pay for it but I chose the school. I did initially pick another but when we went to visit her current one, I changed my mind as it suited her so much better.

You're circumstances are very different. Your pils are not doing what's best for your children and that is so, so wrong.

Many pp have stated that it's vital the school fits your child and this is regardless of whether its state or private.

Both my DD and DS went to boarding school against my wishes. DH encouraged them because he thought it was a good opportunity for them and they decided they wanted to take it. I am the one who hated it and still do, to the point that I asked my DS to come home for 6 form. He has turned me down. They have both loved the opportunity but I miss them like heck and wish I had put my foot down and not let them go...but then would I have been the selfish one? MY DC always had the option to come home if they didn't like it. You could give your DD the option to try for year 9 so that if she doesn't like it, she can return to her old school for GCSEs...bit you run the risk that she likes it just like mine do.

YANBU This seems to be entirely to do with tradition and nothing to do with education or happiness. I think you need to put the emphasis back on education and happiness. Your inlawas are being very unreasonable offering only to pay for your dcs to go to one school 2 hours away. If they want to pay for their education then consider whether you would be happy for them to do than and then look closer to home so your dcs can go to a day school.
Don't be bullied into this. BTW what sort of relationship does your DH have with his parents, having been sent to boarding school? Seems to me you would like a close relationship with your dcs. Don't let your inlaws drive a wedge like that between you. Your dcs will be gone soon enough.

Incidentally, dcs will find happiness where they can so the possiblility of them being happy at this school should not be a deciding factor. They will be happy somewhere else without having to board. Wherever you send them, they are unlikely to want to leave once settled. (If I tried to move my dcs out of their local state secondary school they would resist as they are happy there.) Work on the assumption that if they go to this boarding school they will be happy and then make your decision. If you dont want them to make a life boarding don't send them.

Firstly, let me say that this has to be your decision, along with your husband and daughter. I think you need to thoroughly investigate all the options, and only then can you make an informed decision.
Secondly I think many people are, perhaps unfairly, judging the PIL's motives. They may be insisting on this school purely and simply because they know from experience that it is an excellent choice and both the husband and FIL had wonderful experiences here. I agree it may not be the best choice for the daughter but I can't see the harm in looking. I should add that my PIL's very generously pay for my DC to attend an independent school (mine are day pupils though). We made the decision to send them assuming we would pay, chose the school we thought was best and after seeing the children thrive there they offered to help. There are no conditions or strings, they do not interfere, they just genuinely want to help. The PIL's in the OP's situation have offered to pay for boarding but also offered to help them move closer to the school so in that respect they also seem genuine. They are not trying to wrench the child away from the poor mother!
I used to be very anti-boarding and I still don't believe it is right for everyone, but most of my DC's best friends are boarders and they are happy, well adjusted children who are loved by their parents who only want the best for them. As difficult as it is to accept if you are not from that background (as I am not), sometimes it is the best choice for the children made from a place of love. Most parents who 'send their children away' only want the best start for them, just as other parents do and it is unfair to judge when we are not in that situation.

I worry about the 'I was totally home-sick in the first year but then loved it' children. What has happened to toughen them up in that time? Do they surrender to the feeling of being pushed from home? Same for the 'it made me independent and self-sufficient posts'- should we make our children totally independent at this age? What effect does it have on them and do they lose the ability to be soft later on in life'. What do they lose by toughening up?

I would recommend not sending her to boarding school. I work in one, this one is not at the top end of them and I see it as a waste of money.

The way I see boarding school is that many parents want to send their children off so somebody else cares for them. I have seen many cases where children have been ill but parents have refused to pick them up because they cannot leave work to pick them up (they usually are only just over 20 miles away) this is usually the case of day pupils.

Parents of boarders seem to be worse and as a result I can see many family issues that affect the children but are not dealt with in the right manner. There is just no proper support system.

Obviously it may be a better school than the examples I have seen but I do think you will miss out on so much day to day contact with your child that they will come home during holidays and will seem a different person because you are missing so much development and those little personal achievements that they brag about when they come home from school.

I would not send mine even if I was paid to send them away. There have been particular individuals I have seen and I get tears in my eyes because I think 'you should not be here, you should be with your parents'

I would never want my dcs to go to boarding school. No chance.

It has to be a decision between you, DH and DD. You and your DD need to see the school to see how she'd feel about going, the practical elements etc. Make a pros and cons list and agree together.

Some kids like it, some don't . I know both, and all are well adjusted people.

Personally, if I could afford to send my children as day pupils to a top private school, I would jump at the chance. There is no doubt that it would give them a tremendous advantage in life with access to small-group teaching, coaching to apply to Russell Group/Oxbridge colleges and all the fantastic extra-curricular sporting and music tuition. They would rub shoulders with other kids from the social elite and this would also give them an advantage socially and for networking later on in life. The elite are a small group and once you are of the club, there are all sorts of subtle and not-so-subtle advantages. (I live very close to Millfield school and know a number of local families whose children attend as day pupils. They have all bitten the bullet and moved to the area for the duration of their kids education).

I wouldn't want my kids to board away from the family, but going as day pupils is a good compromise option. Would your DH have to move jobs, too, or would it not affect him? You don't say what he thinks of the idea. Did he have a happy experience at the school?

You know your kids best, and if you think that they would enjoy the experience, I would go for it. It would undoubtedly be a sacrifice on your part as you would have to commit to staying in that area until both kids went through (10 years?). But it is not for ever, and making sacrifices for our kids is what we do as parents, isn't it? You could perhaps make a deal with your DH that you would move back nearer to home once they were finished with schooling.

If you have an equally good private school nearer to you that would not involve so much upheaval, is it not worth going back to the in-laws to see if they would compromise and pay for the fees fo the nearer school? They might well if the alternative was for the kids to go to state school.

Good luck in reaching your decision...

I went to boarding school when I lived in another country - where I lived it wasn't as it is here - boarding was for state schools as well because of lack of secondary schools locally in many areas. (ie, it wasn't only for those who could afford it...)

I did enjoy boarding school because I had a very unhappy home life, so for me it was a bit of an escape. However, I still found it very hard at times, going through puberty without your mother on hand was a key thing, feeling homesick for comfort when needed. Having to be strong and independent long before I was ready, and then having a very distant relationship with my dad and siblings, who I had been close to before - the relationships became distant over time, as from the age of 11 I had to work things out myself and could only rely on myself. This definitely had more cons than pros.

For those reasons, I could never send my kids to boarding school. I have 3 teenagers, and I enjoy every day with them (even when they are being pickles!!) - knowing how they are at the end of each day, their highs and lows, their friends, what's troubling them... Just the ability to touch base with them. Pastoral support. They are young for so short a time, next year my oldest goes to uni, and I know it is a cliche, but the past 17/18 years have flown by. I can look back without regret, and without feeling that I missed out on weeks of his life, had he been in boarding school.

I am not judging anyone who makes a different decision, but if your gut feeling says no, then listen to it....

PS My kids have gone to a brilliant local state school, oldest was the third highest GCSE results in the whole school and has an excellent chance now of going to a top university after college. I loved watching and supporting all their sports, even if it meant ferrying them there and back. They have had to learn to mix with different people from different backgrounds, so they have a fantastic realistic view of the world and are well prepared for life going forward. Yes, you don't get the "leg-up" from being part of the "social elite" but that's really not the type of environment and type of person I wanted them to turn out being anyway.

Such generous grandparents! It depends which school it is though and ultimately if your child wants to go. My husband absolutely adored boarding and has a huge friendship group today from his school days. I was desperate to board but was a day school student as my mum couldn't bear to let me go. On reflection she wishes she had let me go, as she knows I would have benefitted from the structure and social life and fewer distractions at home! My older sister on the other hand would have thought she was being rejected by my parents and would have hated it! So it really is down to the individual child. But personally I would want to offer my child the best education within my means.

went to boarding school at 7 because parents overseas. Loved the education, didn't like most of the other children. But all of this is irrelevant for the OP ad children- find it bizarre it's a particular school - and two hours away means weekly boarding is unpractical as is visiting for sports and music days and talking to teachers - agree with those saying it should be a trust fund - and where's the OP's DH and DCs in all this? Ask parents why the school and whether another would be just as good including local comp. The fact they are prepared to help you relocate near to the school they want sounds as if they want you DH and DCs near and while micromanaging a cry for help?

I liked boarding school, sent there at 10. DH was completely traumatised, sent away aged 8.

Have a google of J. Bowlby's attachment theory. Also "The Making Of Them" by Nick Duffell makes interesting reading, as does .

"Hot House Society" by Royston Lambert makes good and impartial reading.

Although I liked boarding school, I stopped needing my parents emotionally very quickly. My late DH never really recovered. Would I send my DCs away to be brought up by others? I don't think so, yet again I don't have any, which again touches on the whole emotional attachment issue.

My siblings, (all female) also sent to boarding school do not have DCs either. Make of that what you will.

Neither of my 2 dc have boarded but they both chose their schools. My ds went to private school (paid for by me)as he didn't like any of the local high schools and the one he did we were out of catchment for. My dd (7 yrs younger) did not want to go to private school but to the local high school with her friends. They are very different kids, son has always been outgoing, socialable made friends easily while daughter is quieter, has small group of friends and a home girl. The local high school had changed drastically by time dd started and was one of best in city. I suppose what I'm getting at is your children are a very important part of the decision making process but you have to guide them (it's not an Enid Blyton world now sadly). As for PIL as many have posted there is too much emphasis on it being a particular school and not on paying for best education for your children, that would worry me (and I had manipulative PIL but am stronger than my OH!!). Think that you should visit several schools with dd and oh NOT pil and then make a decision. Good luck interfering/helpful pil are hard work

I wouldn't send my DD to boarding school. I think in days gone by, maybe it helped them to get into certain unis or to achieve more in life (old school network?), but I think the world has changed - universities are now more interested in students who have not been glass housed and whilst I think the old school network still exists to some extent, I think the world of work has also moved on, thank goodness. I see a loving home to return to every night, for bolstering up when necessary, or celebrating or advising or encouraging, as more important. I think university will be an appropriate age for her to move away and become independent.

Another practical issue is that because you don't see your kids all week if they board, you won't want to book anything else at weekends so that you can spend time with them!

Ok so there's several issues to consider here. If I could afford to send my child to private school and there was one nearby, then I absolutely would take advantage of that. If my in laws offered to pay for said private education, i'd accept that gladly if their full education fees would be guaranteed.

What your in laws are dong though, is wrong, selfish and controlling. If they cared about your children and had the funds and desire, they would pay for any private education, not one specific school.

I would consider moving closer to the school, but that comes with a lot of pressure on your daughter to thrive there. What if she hates it? You would have all moved jobs - if that's even possible - sold your house, moved your other child out of their school etc.

I would take boarding out of the equation entirely. The options are, you all move to satisfy your controlling in laws itch with this specific school, she be allowed to attend one more locally, or the idea is scrapped all together.

I think your in laws are vile twats just for the record.

How's the decision making process going OP?