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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
HesSpartacus · 22/02/2017 21:37

I went to boarding school and loved it - we had to board as my parents got posted around a lot and their employer paid. I now send my children there as day pupils, though dd (13) is making noises about boarding (no chance - we live 20 mins away & I can think of much better uses for the £).

I would visit the school with PIL and see if it has changed - they may have second thoughts if so, and you can direct them to spend this elsewhere. But also, give your children a say. I have worked in schools and unfortunately in my opinion a state eduction doesn't offer as much extra curricular enrichment - mainly due to the enormous class sizes, budget constraints and ridiculous LEA / academy hoops teachers have to jump through (constant observation and assessment etc). Don't make them feel they have missed an opportunity.

Also, they could weekly board. Best of both worlds.

Babybubblescomingsoon · 22/02/2017 22:09

I absolutely loved boarding school. I am incredibly close to my parents and they sent me because it was best for my music education. It gave me the independence to be able to move to London alone when I was 18, and not go party crazy like many 18 year olds do. It teaches you so much and while it was tough at first. I am incredibly grateful for the experience.

gillybeanz · 22/02/2017 22:23

Baby

Are you still playing music?
I totally agree with you about the not going crazy at 18 Thanks
My dd friends didn't and I'm sure she won't at 18 neither.

MrsHathaway · 22/02/2017 22:41

I can't believe some consider it because it's a convenient alternative to ferrying their children to different clubs

Has someone said that?

It's possibly a misreading of my (and others') point that a very active child who is currently ferried between music/drama/sport activities would be able to do all that on site built into the school day. I see that as an advantage to the child; I can see why it would be understood as an advantage to the taxiing parent as well!

Superwomaninmysparetime · 22/02/2017 22:58

I wouldn't be held by someone paying for the fees, but most importantly I cannot envision being away more than a night or two from my DD who is in yr 5 too..I just would not want not to be able to see her every night and know her how her day went. I know she wouldn't like to be away from her family either. Everyone is different- I wouldn't knock any parents for opting for boarding school but it just wouldn't be for us.. seems so pointless to have children and then send them away.

Babybubblescomingsoon · 22/02/2017 23:07

gillybeanz yes still singing! Very very very much so Wink

Jynxed · 22/02/2017 23:08

I went to boarding school for 9 years whilst my father worked (& my mother partied) abroad. I felt abandoned, uncared for and frankly suicidal at times. I was taken advantage of by various abusers who can spot misery a mile off (and are therefore drawn to boarding schools). I have never forgiven my parents and rarely speak to them as an adult - neither I or my kids have seen them for years. If you value money and status over your child's happiness and are OK with ruining your relationship with them, go ahead, send them to boarding school. Check out the academic research on abandonment first though.

nursy1 · 22/02/2017 23:18

do the school do weekly boarding? At least you wouldn't have to make a massive house move and it then turn out not to suit her.
My brother was a boarder whilst my sister and I went to local school. He has a better educational attainment but it was hard on him I think for the first couple if years.

CountessWindyBottom · 22/02/2017 23:24

I absolutely loved boarding school and the friends I made there remain firm friends to this day. It can be a wonderfully enriching experience but might not suit everyone. You definitely should pay a visit to the school, just the three of you, to figure out if you think it's something that may appeal. Don't just dismiss it outright.

Applesandpears23 · 22/02/2017 23:39

You might like to consider it for sixth form. Weekly boarding is a good stepping stone to going to uni.

RiverTamFan · 22/02/2017 23:54

DH went to a grammar school that had boarders and hated it with a fiery passion. Academically it had a great reputation, and the results to justify it, but he didn't fit in and anyone who didn't fit got put through sheer hell. So great schools don't suit everyone.

20 years done the line and it has expanded in general but mainly to increase the size of the boarding department, taking in a lot of foreign students. The focus has become on numbers, using their name to bring in far more pupils, and as a result their academic achievements have plummeted. Locals are no longer fighting to get their sons in...just because it was a great school in your DH's day doesn't mean it still is now! Heck, DD is in Year 11 and her school is totally different from the High School she joined. If she wasn't succeeding academically (despite the incompetence of some of her teachers), and in the midst of her GCSEs, we would have moved her at the end of last year. It's an open secret locally that the school is in trouble with the police turning up for fights and failing kids being moved out of GCSE classes and into BTECH to preserve the success rate. Try and find out from locals what it's like these days, not what they put in the brochure or wheel out for the Open Day.

Atenco · 22/02/2017 23:58

Never having been to boarding school myself, I don't have a clue whether they are good or bad. But I do not see why, as a mother, you should have to give your child up to an establishment like that, if there is no personal benefit for you in it. We all want our children to have a good education, but there is no reason to believe our children wouldn't have a good education in the local school.

user1474815709 · 23/02/2017 00:05

If it's a good school, I would move. Sorry but not the time to be selfish if your children are really going to benefit from it. No offence to local schools and their teachers, but a child having attention of the teacher amongst 14 other compared to 29 other is a massive difference. I wouldn't take it as arrogancy on their side but also consider how awkward things can get after you decline.

user1474815709 · 23/02/2017 00:05

So no boarding school but closer to school. I wouldn't want them to board either but I would visit the school myself too as I would expect to be impressed.

MattsMamma · 23/02/2017 00:55

Don't know why people bother have children just to send them away like this. Just awful

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/02/2017 01:04

Re being a day pupil...my friends son is at a highly regarded public school as a day pupil as we live down the road. His days starts at 8am and finishes at 9pm due to prep that must be done at school. He eats all his meals there and comes home just to sleep.

Friend says that they should have gone for weekly boarding from day one and are probably going to do that from the start of the next school year.

emmyrose2000 · 23/02/2017 01:07

Don't know why people bother have children just to send them away like this. Just awful

Exactly. Fully agree with this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/02/2017 01:10

Oh and he has to go in for half a day on Saturdays too.

Definitely worth asking what hours she would be attending.

JamDonutsRule · 23/02/2017 01:17

How about just visiting the school and choosing which suits her better out of that and the State? (is weekly boarding possible?)

Just do the best thing for DD.

Italiangreyhound · 23/02/2017 03:29

I think one of the difficulties here is that the family do not know what will be best for the dd! The potential to uproot the whole family to a new location, what about her and her dh's jobs, the son's school ect before he joins his sister, or to have their dd living far away from age 11 - this is all massive.

Definitely if it really would benefit her, then being a weekly border seems a reasonable idea.

user1474815709 "If it's a good school, I would move. Sorry but not the time to be selfish if your children are really going to benefit from it."

I don't think there is any suggestion the OP is being selfish! She has a job and another child to consider, as, presumably, does her dh.

"I wouldn't take it as arrogancy on their side but also consider how awkward things can get after you decline."

IMHO I think it is highly arrogant of grandparents to consider they know what is best for their grandchild and to offer this somewhat poison chalice.

I certainly would not worry one jot about their feelings if me and my dh and dd decided to decline the offer. In fact if the dd decided it was not for her I would distance myself from the pils because I could well imagine the offer might then come back for the son in a few years time and the whole business start up again.

My dd is dyslexic and really struggles at school. I was very worried about local school and looked far and wide to see what would work. We could not afford private but some local schools might be better.

In the end we allowed our dd to choose and she chose the local school as all her friends were going, and it has worked out really well and she is very happy.

Being unhappy, even in a good school, may well lead to bad outcomes for a child, a good school is only good if it is good for you (your dd).

I am not sure I think being engaged in school activities from 8.00 am. to 9 pm all week and half days on Saturday, as another poster mentioned, is good at all.

Italiangreyhound · 23/02/2017 03:31

OP if you really want to know if she really loves it, visit the school on a wet and rainy, blustery day - and the local schools on a sunny day.

If she still loves this boarding school despite the shite weather, it will at least give you some tiny idea of the strength of her commitment.

The official open day will give a very rose tinted view of the school. A drop in visit arranged by you will give a more realistic picture. Both may be advisable.

Also talk and think through what will happen if she joins this school and then wishes to leave.

Good luck.

nooka · 23/02/2017 03:48

I went to boarding school at 16, largely because my relationship with my mother had pretty much broken down (it was my request). It didn't make me independent, I had a lot more independence at home. At school I had to be in by 10 every night, I had all meals provided and no chores, set time for doing homework and I wasn't allowed to get a job. I was emotionally more independent from my parents, but I'm not sure that's a particularly good thing, especially for a younger teen.

annandale · 23/02/2017 06:40

Can I just say that weekly boarding is not a panacea. My DH found it very difficult to cope with being in and out of the family home in this way. DH is on the fragile and sensitive end of the spectrum [wonders for the millionth time why my PILs ever thought boarding at 8 for him was a good idea] but I don't think he is unusual in that. Yes, full boarding would probably have been worse, but weekly boarding can be quite stressful IMO.

flumpybear · 23/02/2017 07:00

Doesn't sound like you're keen .... I'd be the same!!

I'd say to in laws thanks but we'd prefer x school which means she can be a day student and we don't need to move house/job - giving her a good education still privately and lives at home

If it's only an offer for that school only I'd be a bit shocked as it's very controlling ... and I'd tell them too!!

SoulAccount · 23/02/2017 07:09

The whole '3 generations going to the same school' thing would make me baulk.

Like trying to churn out kids to be just like parents and grandparents in a dynasty.

There is no pretence of this being child centred: if it was they would let you know that they would fund any education, should you and your dd want it.

How do they get so institutionalised to these schools?

I am not against boarding per second if the child actively wants to do it. I suspect I would have loved it. But I wouldn't send mine to board unless I had no choice.

But why shackle yourselves to 2 4 hour round trips every weekend? Ridiculous.

And as for uprooting your home, job, friendship group to move just to be close to this one school..... it is obsessive bonkers.

Unless it is a unique school that totally fits your values and aspirations, and your dd is independently desperate to go, and there is no hope of a good school that would suit her nearer home.