AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

[mollythedogsmum]

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

For all my socialist I'm a teacher reasons I'd say keep away BUT... how good a school is it? They will absolutely definitely do better there than in a run of the mill comp, or even a very good comp. Dd knew she wanted to study law from age about 8 (Legally Blonde) and has now graduated - there's a definite bonus - hate it as you may - to the private school polish.

Mine had the best we could afford - a very good state grammar - but I certainly would think long and hard about turning down the opportunity.

You are close enough for your dcs to be weekly boarders.

Of course, the main thing is how it will fit for your children. But don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Sadly, life is not fair and all men are not created equal in the eyes of the education system. I would do anything for mine, and that would include swallowing my principles to get them the best education for their futures. It's all about opportunities and keeping doors open.

I didn't board but my brother and sister did, army brats. It was because it was a good school where we were living at one point then after I'd left dad got posted on and for continuity sibs stayed on. They loved it, don't know if I'd have liked it, probably.

It's up to you and your dh and of course dd. Is there a good private school nearby they'd pay for? Are they insisting or suggesting this school ?

Are they likely to hold it over her/you?

Go to the open day because at least then you'll know you gave it proper consideration. Whatever you decide.

I think the 10000 places starts 2018

I would go along to the open day and see if the school would suit your DD. If you (and she) love it, then you might decide it's the school for her after all.
BUT...what happens in a few years time if the school is not right for your DS?! You could potentially end up with a DD at a prestigious private school and DS at the local comp.
The whole arrangement sounds a bit odd and controlling. Lovely of the grandparents to pay, but it would be far more reasonable if they did not specify the school.

Make sure you are aware of the hours day pupils are expected to attend. When they're keeping them until 8pm and there's school on Saturday morning it's not like a normal day school.

I thought Gordonstone immediately too Tartyflette - no idea why. But the two girls from my school that went there ended up back into our day school - one with serious eating disorder and the other one with massive behaviour issues.

I wouldn't. (And I went to boarding school.)

No way! I went to boarding/day school as a day girl & the borders missed out on so much & were desperate to stay with people over weekends.
Do what's best for your children & your family.

I went to boarding/day school as a day girl & the borders missed out on so much & were desperate to stay with people over weekends.

How funny. When I started day at boarding school we felt the day pupils were the ones missing out and we all took as many overnights as we possibly could.

I would advise against going day at a boarding school from my experience, come to think of it. Take the whole offering, whatever it is: day at a day school or boarding school.

I was thinking Repton, there is quite a family tradition there too.

But anyway...if you dont want her to go then she doesnt go, end of.

Too many strings for a start, you will have this hanging over you until your youngest child has left, thats too many years of sucking up terrible behaviour because you dont want them to stop paying and disrupting their education. Too many years of "Well you should be more grateful, without us your children wouldnt be at X school!". Too many years of worrying that they have over stretched themselves and may have to stop paying.....

No.

And I wouldnt be going to the open day either tbh.

I went to a co-ed boarding school and loved it. I had a wonderful time and a great education. I always thought I would send dd to it but in the end I couldn't bear to part with her.

I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand if a) your daughter wanted to go b) it is a good school and c) it is a good fit for your daughter.

My Year 9 daughter is at a specialist dance/stage school where most board. We live close enough for her to commute which is just as well as she would not suit boarding at all. But, had she been a different type of child, I would have happily considered boarding at 13. Possibly at 11 too, though not younger than that.

I am also a boarding tutor in the private prep school where I teach. We have around 30 full boarders between 7 and 13, another 20 or so weekly boarders and about 60 who do either 1, 2 or 3 nights a week. The vast majority of the regular boarders are 10+ but there are always exceptions who either want to or need to board. Generally, they children are very happy. I'm sure many would be happier at home though.

I don't think children suffer at boarding school nowadays. Any good school would point out to parents if a child was consistently unhappy and suggest they leave/go day.

However, I do think it's a case of some thrive but some just survive.

You need to know which it would be for your daughter.

I think the eating disorder line that is always, always brought up on this thread is a bit of a myth though. Astounded at the poster who has found that 90% of the boarding school educated people she knows are/have been eating disordered.

I know about 150 people with an eating disorder (because I have anorexia, not because have some kind of weird obsession!). About 15 went to private school, of whom about half boarded. That's fairly consistent with any group of 150 people I think. I went to a comprehensive. The one child at the private school I'm teaching in now with a potential eating disorder is a day pupil. Any issue with any of our boarders would be so, so easy to spot.

No, you're not being selfish by not wanting to accept PILs offer.

Presumably by their "pushing hard" since your DD's birth they've been trying to bulldoze you into sending her. Disgraceful behaviour.

You are her MOTHER, don't let them take that away from you. Your experience of mothering is just as important here, and you would clearly be unhappy.

Don't go to the open day, thank them for their offer and decline it. Be firm that it's not an ongoing negotiation - no means no. Remind them that they'll need to save their money for their own future care fees.

Lots of knee jerking "no way" reactions here.
Why not forget the cost for a moment and take your child to visit the local state option and the boarding school and go with an open mind. include the opinion of your DC in the decision.
Can they board weekly?
My DS was a weekly boarder and he loved it. He made fantastic friends that he's now at Uni with and got an excellent education and a taste of independence. I will def give DS's 2&3 the choice.

I know lots of parents planning to send their kids to board, and some who already have. We all live out of our home country though, and while my kids will finish their education here at what I consider to be a very good secondary school with a curriculum identical to our home country, I can see why other parents would choose the other option.

If your ILs wanted to give their grandchildren a 'superior' education (whatever they consider that to be) then they'd be willing to pony up for a variety of options, not just one take-it-or-leave-it option.

I can think of no valid reason why they'd want to send your kids to this particular school rather than, say, an alternative that may be even better (and closer). On that basis, my concern would be that were you to accept their offer, it would come with many strings attached.

So, no way would I do it.

I am saying no, not because of the boarding or because its private and I have personal beliefs about that, but because of the strings.

At any time they could pull funding if the OP or her DH does something that they dont like, and everyone would know that. That leaves the OP in a very vulnerable position, she will never be able to say no to anything for fear of them nixing her dd's education.

I could never allow my child or myself to be in that position.

If they said that the money for the fees was in an account that would be signed over to the parents if they choose for her to go then that would be different but I suspect that it isnt going to be like that.

What school is it?

What is your local state school like? To me, there's a massive difference between going private because the state school options are poor and going private just for the sake of it.

My DS1 is in year 6, he's a home body and there's no way I'd send him to a boarding school later this year no matter who was paying for it. That's just my opinion though, it doesn't mean your DD wouldn't thrive there. It's worth going to look round, anyway.

My children go to private school

I would not be opposed to boarding for high school (age 13 plus in our system) on principle.

I would never ever ever let someone besides myself and my husband decide on the best education for our children.

In your case OP you need to realise that your in laws priority is "third (or whatever) generation going to XYZ school, and a chance for us to see it all again just like we did with our son and also be welcomed like royalty because we are third generation"

They are not thinking about the particular needs of your child.

That is your job.

I would be really really wary about handing over control to your PILs like this. I just wouldn't do it. It has nothing to do with private or boarding and everything to do with handing over control and decision to people who are not you - not the parents, not the ones who care the most about the child and who know them best. You would be handing over control of your child's education to people who are more invested in a particular school than the child finding the right school.

Don't do it.

People can be very odd about family traditions when it comes to schools. My grandfather, uncle and cousin were all sent to a very prestigious boarding school where they were all extremely unhappy. I don't think any of them did particularly well either - my uncle dropped out of education after he finished school and my cousin ran away repeatedly. Just because somewhere is expensive doesn't mean that it's a good choice for a child or that they will benefit from the experience.

I don't like the pressure that these ILs are putting on the OP. It's not up to them where their grandchildren go to school and pushing her to have her dd board may be very disruptive for their family. My brother went to boarding school because of some SEN and my sister (and my mother) were miserable about it. My brother did well but being sent away did affect him.

I would not take the dd to visit the school because ultimately it's not her choice, as she is much too young to make such a big decision. I would go and visit yourself and I'd have a long talk with your dh about the potential costs and benefits for all of you.

My daughter was a day pupil at a grammar school that had boarders. In their first few years many boarders were desperate to spend weekends with us, and craved a "family life". I, along with other parents of day pupils, was also the shoulder to cry on for several boarders who, like any other pupil, had the usual emotional traumas of teenage years. Only thing different was in the main the day pupils could talk to their family about their worries, and the boarders did not feel they could talk to the staff, or tell their parents by phone for fear of worrying them. I just felt that a sizeable minority of the first few years as a boarder was really rather sad. I did feel that they missed out rather than gained during that time, and some seemed just so desperate for the closeness of a hug from their parents. Though as they got older the boarders generally enjoyed it more and by then my daughter wanted to stay over the boarders for occasional weekends. To make a huge generalisation I think the boarders did get better grades in their GCSEs and A levels, though "missed out" on the parties and social life that the day pupils had in the latter half of their teens.

I wish you good luck in your decision but as the mother of children now all in their 20s, childhood does go in a flash, and I would not want to have missed any of it. But I may be just being selfish.

oh and don't let your child have to make this decision - don't even give her a vote, just an opinion. My dd age 13 would have wanted to go boarding. no way and we were right to say so. you listen to your children but you don't give them a vote in something so serious. My dd's vote age 13 would have been for boarding and it would have been a disaster. Instead we listened to her and made decisions based on what we heard.

I wouldn't even give a moment of consideration. If my PIL, or anyone for that matter, tried to push this sort of thing on me/my children, I'd cut them off permanently.

They've been pushing since her BIRTH for her to attend boarding school when the time arose??? What horrible people. Just because they couldn't wait to get rid of their own child/ren doesn't mean everyone else in the family has to be sent away too.

OP - I had exactly the same thing from my PILs, except it was worse because they presumed DS1 would be going to a boarding prep when he was 7!
I had quite a lot of pressure put on me about this, mainly from PIL who couldn't understand why I was so intent on "holding DS back." I'm from Spain and had no concept of any of these schools. My response was, that anyone taking my children away would be doing it over my dead body. PIL told DH I was neurotic! Fortunately, DH could see how upset I was and came down on my side.
All our DC have gone to independent day preps followed by London Day Schools and we've been very happy. What the point of sending them away would be, I have no idea. Green fields - we can do without that.

Anyway, I think PIL still expected that the DC would obviously be going at 11 or 13. He actually passed away a few years later. What then ensued was a whole reconciliation period between DH and his mother in which he told her how he used to vomit when she never picked him up at half-term (she was in the Far East with PIL). Also how he felt his childhood was a pretence of being "fine". He actually told me (not his mother though) how he used to cry for his mother in the dorm until, one night, an older boy kicked him in the stomach and told him to shut up and they all laughed at him, so he never cried again after that. MIL told us that she felt as if she had no choice about the boys' school and she suffered from depression and anxiety for many years. Basically the whole thing was a nightmare and totally unnecessary. DH still has idiosyncrasies today which I suspect are a hangover from boarding school.

DH had a great experience at his co-ed boarding school (the same one as his brother and father).

But his mum never go over the guilt and loss of them being away - she regretted being co-erced into it

Two things:

The school is not the same as it way when he was there - I am not saying it's worse; just different and therefore hard to say why a family tradition makes any sense

My DH would not want our children to board

The GP in this case sound like they really lack imagination to not be able to consider any other alternative - and any consideration for the individual child at the centre of this. Just traditionalists for tradition's sake