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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for the stepchildren

247 replies

StepMum2Be · 23/01/2017 16:53

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

OP posts:
operaha · 23/01/2017 16:57

No, me and oh both have children and we pay for our own. I have 3 but two are older so usually i only bring one child for dinner. He has two who are younger. We might split it but in your situation i think it's very unfair to expect you to pay half!!!

monkeywithacowface · 23/01/2017 16:57

Doesn't sound like a compatible match. I would walk away, sounds like a lifetime of arguments and resentment ahead.

Doesn't really matter who's right or wrong your views are poles apart and I don't see it resolving itself anytime soon.

Wtfdoipick · 23/01/2017 16:58

I would end the relationship. How can you be in a relationship with someone you have no respect for as a father?

Tryingtostayyoung · 23/01/2017 16:58

I feel as if this isn't going to go down well. The thing is if your marrying him then your taking these kids on aswell and when they are with you your meant to think of them, love them and care for them as you would your own. I don't know if it's right or wrong that you pay half but I feel like if your feeling like this already then there's a bigger issue

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 23/01/2017 16:58

If you don't agree on something as huge as his role/your role in his kids lives, and clearly don't get on with his kids (no blame, just an observation) I'd cut my losses at that point.

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon · 23/01/2017 16:59

You don't like the children and you appear to not like your DPs parenting skills.

Philoslothy · 23/01/2017 17:02

This isn't a relationship that is going to work. Walk away

Katy07 · 23/01/2017 17:02

He should pay their share of meals (etc.) when they're with you. They're not your responsibility (at this stage). And I'd be concerned about getting involved from what you've said...

Bufferingkisses · 23/01/2017 17:03

It sounds like a match made in hell - or at least soon will be. You fundamentally disagree on the two most important people in his life. People who will share your home and whom you are expected to pay for (wrongly imo - bills, mortgage etc is one thing, this is different).

Please carefully considered the future here.

Bambamrubblesmum · 23/01/2017 17:06

It isn't going to end well. I would walk away and find someone you respect.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2017 17:08

"My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. "
Walk away now, while you still have your sanity.

Ouriana · 23/01/2017 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Creampastry · 23/01/2017 17:10

I bet he will want you to pay towards their university fees.... walk away!!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/01/2017 17:10

you are not ready for step motherhood OP

PatriciaHolm · 23/01/2017 17:11

I think the eating out thing sounds like a very minor issue that is representative of much bigger problems.

He has 2 kids that you don't like. They aren't going anywhere and this point, you have no chance of changing his parenting style. This has disaster written all over it.

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 17:14

"As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also."

Unless I am very much mistaken this is not a pleasant way to speak about a couple of teenagers who are very much part of your OHs family. If that is how you think about them- however justified you may be- then like other posters I don't see a future for your relationship.

BadToTheBone · 23/01/2017 17:16

You need to walk away unless you're prepared to pay for his kids too, as they say "he comes with baggage". My stepdd now lives with us and we don't get a single penny of her mum, even though dh and I have paid over over 17 years prior to this. You have step children, you pay for them. That's how it is.

DragonMamma · 23/01/2017 17:18

It sounds like you don't particularly like these children and are already resentful of the time and money you have to spend with/on them.

This isn't going to get any better so if you feel it can't change then walk away now.

WannaBe · 23/01/2017 17:18

He may or may not be a disney dad. But tbh the way you speak about them is appalling If my DP referred to my DS in the way you have just referred to your DP's children ("little darlings"?) it would be me doing the walking away. Without so much as a backward glance.

You are not cut out to be a stepmum and his children deserve better.

katronfon · 23/01/2017 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthewaves · 23/01/2017 17:20

Your quibbling over treating your step children to a meal, this isn't the relationship for you.

Original poster
StepMum2Be · 23/01/2017 17:20

Oh dear, overwhelmingly in favour of walking away - not actually what I asked, that's not going to happen. The children have their own rooms at our house, they are dearly loved by their father and want for nothing. I don't feel I need to love them, they have everything they need from their mother and father. I respect and love my H2B (its his choice to parent as he sees fit - I don't have to agree) and was obviously aware the children came along too. How do you become ready for step motherhood stopfuckingshoutingatme ? I'm genuinely interested by the responses.

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 23/01/2017 17:21

Walk away. This will never work because he hasn't got the balls to actually parent his children and you quite clearly can't abide that (and I don't blame you).

charlestonchaplin · 23/01/2017 17:21

Walk away! They'll use you and abuse you, the leeches. All three of them.

NonnoMum · 23/01/2017 17:21

Agree with monkey. It's never going to be resolved. There is no right or wrong just wildly different opinions. Walk away without blaming the children.