Paying for the stepchildren

[StepMum2Be]

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

Do a good thing and walk away. The kids deserve better.

Servicesupportforall - you've made that decision based on what exactly? The children love their time with us, we do a lot more with them as we're able to through our joint incomes. Just because I would like them to have more manners doesn't make me a bad person.

Well there is an essential inequality at the heart of this relationship, which I think may be your problem. You're expected to bankroll your DP's DC, yet you get no say in how they are raised. That's not fair. So either your DP pays for his kids and accepts full responsibility for their behaviour or you split things down the middle and you get a say. Personally, I think you having no say is extremely undermining to you, as the other adult in the house. And I was a step-child myself, so I know of what I speak. If my dad had allowed me to be rude to my DSM and she had had no come-back I'd have been an arsehole to her. But it wasn't like that. They presented a united front and all discipline was joint and they backed each other up. Therefore there was no chink in their armour and we all (DC from both marriages) had to toe the line and do as either of them said. You need to have a say in this relationship and this family, or it's not going to work and at some point you will end up walking away. Probably further down the line, when you have more to lose.

I have just severed a relationship because of my OH's inability to tolerate my daughter ("she's just using our flat as a pitstop!"). It was, obviously, a deal breaker and my decision was clear and unregretted. Frankly, I dodged a bullet.

If you don't leave him then I hope he leaves you before any long-term commitment is made.

I don't feel I need to love them, they have everything they need from their mother and father

That may be so, but their relationship with their father will be damaged by your apparent dislike for them, and that's not fair on them or on him. Your DP deserves to be with someone who cares, and yes even loves, his children. And his children deserve to have a stepparent who cares about them and doesn't say "I don't feel I need to love them". That's really not nice.

If you have a joint account incan see why it's getting mixed up - you just pull in every one card to pay on then him consciously saying you pay 50%.

Have you ever brought it up with him?

There's a practical solution if you want to suggest it. Open an account for spending when you are both with the DCs. Contribute appropriate percentages each and use that account when out with them. If you're having to top up more when DCs have been, sounds like you (or he) may not have a good grasp of budget. Or you have enough money not to worry about it?

I agree with others that this won't end well. Nobody wants their parenting style critiqued. And this and division of finances will probably niggle away throughout the relationship.

I feel a bit sorry for the children. I've had experience of an indifferent step mum. For example she insisted I buy my own milk and teabags when she moved into the family home. I felt like an unwanted lodger.

Imagine in ten years going for dinner with them. Their treat, but they just cover dad's and their meals cos you aren't their responsibility. Do you feel like part of the same family?

The issue is you are good enough to contribute financially towards them, but not good enough to discipline or demand respect from them. It goes two ways.

The children are not the problem, it is their father and his behaviour. You say he is hostile if you say anything he doesn't agree with. (I'm assuming this is confined to anything you say about his children - if it's hostility to anything at all - don't walk away, run away as fast as you can!) Well, how do you feel about years and years of hostility, decades of hostility? Because it doesn't end when the children are adults.

Every time he is hostile, you will respect him just that little bit less. A relationship without respect cannot survive.

You don't have to love them but nobody needs a stepparent that doesn't like them. Doesn't it bother you that his parenting had helped raise two children with no manners?

I don't pay for my partners children and I don't expect him to pay for mine. I also do not think this is a reflection of other problems. Maybe if there was a discrepancy in what we could afford for our children this could be a problem but we have similar incomes and children get similar amounts spent on them.

Leave. These children deserve far better than you for a stepmother.

Your post sounded like you disliked them sorry that's what I took from it.

Only you know how you feel but little darlings isn't particularly kind is it? Or i don't feel I need to love them er lovely.

And you're right OP - you don't have to love them. My DSM (I hesitate to put the 'D' tbh) has been my stepmum since 1981. I do not, and have never loved her - and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. But we respect each other and know that neither is going anywhere. And while she was a right bitch very obstructive for 20 years my relationship with my dad survives and actually even thrives, because he and I love each other. It is possible to have a respectful and tolerant step relationship without there ever being love.

I think regular meals out are quite expensive and if I was regularly funding meals out for people who didn't appreciate me or the meals themselves, I am not sure that I'd want to go on like that.

So there are various options. Their Dad takes his children out while the poster does something else. Dad pays the lot from his own independent money.

Or as it's a pricey business going out and the behaviour isn't great the focus is on having meals at home so the joint budget isn't stretched by having regular costly restaurant meals which are taken for granted/not appreciated.

The reason why I managed as a step-parent is that my partner fully acknowledged that the behaviour of the two children could be trying, didn't let them be rude to me and worked hard to make sure they understood what was and wasn't acceptable in our house. As well as being a loving and involved father and supportive husband.

I think who you choose as your partner is entirely your own business. I think lots of people give up on relationships too readily- I get a real sense that commitment is somehow seen as unimportant.
However, if you are really equal partners then you need to be an equal partner- his children have to become your children for the time they are with you. You should, assuming equal pay and outgoings, share all costs. Rather than you paying or him paying, perhaps you need to pay more money into a joint account and use that for meals out. You have to love the kids and accept their humanity whilst not necessarily accepting the behaviour. If they don't say thank you then remind them. Not nastily, not with anger but as a co-parent. They aren't too old.

If you don't get to have any input into how the children behave when they're with you then I don't think you should be paying towards them. But if they are treated as part of your combined family unit then you should contribute but also get to say what you think & have it respected.
I hadn't picked up on the 'little darlings' comment & I agree with PPs that while you don't have to love them you do need to be liking & caring about them. It'll be pretty miserable all round otherwise as they will pick up on it and so will you partner.

and the no manners?

Maybe they feel about you the way you describe them and dislike you too.

Maybe you need to look at yourself as much as them.

You don't have to love them but you could try liking. The youngest is 13 for goodness sake.

Cross your fingers that he only sees them once a month, sure you'll be able to cope with them for that amount of time.Hopefully they will grow up and want nothing to do with him and you'll have your H2b all to yourself. The odds are you'll both have a child together and your HUsband will be a different type of parent than he was first time around.

Those ill mannered teenagers are telling you very clearly they don't like or respect you, they are also well aware of how you feel about them. It won't get any better.

I am not a step parent..The step parent board may be more helpful what others do in terms of paying but everyone's finance's work differently.

Things that stand out to me..From your post you are living as a couple so effectively already are a step parent.

How long have you been together.Did you get to know them before they became teens? It is not the easiest age to get to know any child,

Do you plan to have children with this man? If so you do really need to talk about parenting.

Your post does not come across it is just manners that are bothering you. Yes address these issues before you get married.

Love is not essential but for the sake of their relationship you at need to like them coming over and spending time with them.

Agree that the kids deserve better. I can't imagine being 12/13 and my lovely parents split and Dad remarries a woman who dislikes me, does not respect me, does not respect the way my dad parents me and writes about me as a bad mannered "little darling" . A 12 year old.

Parenting teenagers is really hard. (Currently dealing with a horrible DS of my own.) The last thing they need is someone living with them who dislikes them. And they will rebel.

If you marry someone you sort out the finances, sort out the kids, respect each other. This will only get worse as others have said.

I'm not sure exactly how you are planning to get your stepDC's to have better manners if your DF is a Disney Dad?

There is no way that your relationship with your DF or his relationship with his DCs will survive unless things change now. Go and read the Step parenting board if you don't believe all of us posting...

The issue is you are good enough to contribute financially towards them, but not good enough to discipline or demand respect from them. It goes two ways.

This. Why is OP seen as good enough to fork out for treats automatically but cannot raise any objection to being treated rudely. No she isn't their mother but she is a human being who is worthy of respect.

If someone (friend/acquaintance/ colleague) is being rude or thoughtless to me I will take them to task about it. Not because I am their mother, but a human being.

His children will come first but the arrangements he prefers seem to remind you constantly of your place at the bottom of the pile. Nice.

As a parent .. for me to get with someone I would treat their kids as my own and hope for the same in return. What woukd be the point of my partner paying put more for meals tHan me. .. not sure what i woukd benefit from that personally rather than having more disposable income than my partner ... what would I spend that on.. Nice moisturiser?

I think the kids are teenagers. But you said I yourself. You're the adult. Model being kind and having good manners. Have patience with them. Maybe they pick up on the fact you only tolerate them and don't feel the need to love them as you say.

My step mum used to take me and her daughter shopping when we were little and it meant the world to mewhen she bought u both a t shirt. My step father wpuld only tske his own children out (my younger half brothers) most weekends and leave me at home. He had been my step father 2 years before they were even born.

I was always rude and hostile to other step father figues that followed when a teenager . On reflection I see how much they did for me and will be forever thankful fo how gracious they were and how they did support me though some difficult times with little thanks.

As a parent I also wouldn't want your parenting advice .. I would rather be alone than someone telling me how to parent my kids. So I also appreciate how absolutely hypocritical my whole stance is

It's a tough job description being a step parent. But as the saying goes. . Love me.. love my dogs! I am sure I am being totally unreasonable but hat reflects the fact that I probably would just end up single forever if my partner left me!

I never fail to be surprised at the sheer numbers of obnoxious badly brought up step children there are on MN and of course the poor long suffering, well meaning step mothers that have to deal with them.