Paying for the stepchildren

[StepMum2Be]

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

little darlings?!

You may not need to love them, but these children will be your family so you need to think about how to get on and be kind to them. It already sounds like there are much bigger issues than the financial element at play here.

Inheriting? I am asuming that you are going to marry this man.

So you are marrying a man that ....

is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with

This relationship will not work. Save yourself a lot of heartache and money and finish it now.

But yes.. you shouldn't have to tolerate them being rude to you. That's not cool. I know I am being unreasonable about you input on parenting. I would listen and talk it through and justify how I parent and compromise where it didn't cause a massive upheaval of my parenting style and so freak out my kids Which may make then feel a bit less secure.

But your question wasn't about how to address their manners. It was how to address the fact that you think your OH should contribute more financially when his DC are with you. Many posters are pointing out that there is blatant resentment in your post and that, through experience, this will only grow. It really will.

If you are prepared to accept and try and work on that then go for it. But it will get worse before it gets better so if you are not sure, far better to walk away now while it's relatively easy.

Step-parenting is hard and if I could live my life over, I'd not be a step parent. Even though I have been the very best step parent I can, I'd look after myself more if I could go back because being at the bottom of the pile is soul destroying.

You need to have a conversation with him. His kids, him and his wife need to pay their bills etc, not you. That includes meals out. Be very careful he does not expect you more and more, to pay for them. They are not your children, they are his.

"The children love their time with us, we do a lot more with them as we're able to through our joint incomes."

So it's not just Disney dad, you seem to think good parenting = spending money too.

How long have you know these children? I would imagine the poor kids are well aware that their stepmother to be dislikes and resents them, even if you don't think they do (and would no doubt claim you don't).

Look, there is no law that compels you to love your partners children, but you do need to have respect for him and his parenting and a willingness to get along with family life reasonably happily without having a constant inner disapproval monologue going on. You clearly don't like the kids and disapprove of their parenting. That's not going to escape their notice or his.

I am sorry but if you don't love them?! you are not ready. You have to love them - I am not sure I can even give any advice after you have said that!

I never fail to be surprised at the sheer numbers of obnoxious badly brought up step children there are on MN and of course the poor long suffering, well meaning step mothers that have to deal with them.

Quite.

I'm really glad my dh doesn't have this attitude with DS he even paid the same as our other two for Christmas he certainly wouldn't turn round and tell me to pay for my own child.

You don't come across as you don't like them and I'm wondering if the rudeness is a front because they know you don't like them.

It's difficult to say much more but it would be easier to judge the situation if we had further details length of relationship between there parents splitting up how long before you met the kids and how long before you moved in? If it's all rather soon I can't imagine the DSC are reacting to the situation:

Sorry you do come across"

People aren't saying walk because there's something wrong with you. They are saying that because they know that Disney Parents don't change and you're going to end up in the situation that
1- the stepkids are prioritised over your future kids. Many Disney Parents are motivated by guilt and use money to alleviate it temporarily. The handouts continue into adulthood and that means you are paying for them too at a cost to future child.
2- the dad announces rules/structure after you pressure him. Kids know that it's coming from you and see Dad less as a result. Dad and stepkids blame you.

You're not unreasonable to expect some respect. The lone And step parents with Disney Parent ex/partner will tell you that they very rarely change.

It will be extremely stressful parenting with someone who has different parenting ideas never mind being in the situation where the stepkids have one rule and your child another.

My ex is a Disney Parent and the kids behave totally differently for him than me. He gets rudeness or cheekiness because he's too scared that they won't visit. I get great behaviour (most of the time) as I have clear expectations like they do at school.

Sorry for the glib post OP hereby is my honest opinion (based on what I have seen )

In relationships where the step is not really committed to the children and to their growth etc one of two things happen -

The marriage survives but the lisa resent the environment and became estranged from the parent

The parent realizes that their kids need a committed step parent - and they split up

Personally I think blended families have a better success chance

I'm getting a vibe that you don't like spending time with these kids, and I'm sure they are getting the same vibe OP.
If you're waiting for thanks from teens, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You have to earn their respect first, and that will be a long, slow process.
You have to make the effort with them, and I'm not talking about money. Get to know them properly as people. They would have had to deal with a lot after their Mum and Dad splitting up. Try and be sensitive to how they are feeling. It's not all about YOU! To be honest, you sound really selfish.

You may never feel the same about them as their Father, but I think you should be the grown up here, and put them first. Stop counting the pennies.

Respect is earned.

OP children are often unappreciative of treats, outings etc and take things for granted. Do they know you are funding the meals out equally with their father? Or do you just see their dad doing what he did when with their mum -- paying for the meal? We were taught to thank our parents for such things but IME most don't and just regard it as another meal. If these children weren't taught to voice their appreciation when their parents were together they will see no reason to thank you now.
I'd actually be more worried about your OH's defensiveness about his DC's behaviour. Looks like a discussion about their behaviour is a no go area. Can you talk to him about this in a calm manner ? Tell him you accept he will enforce the house rules but would expect some I put into what the rules will be and you expect he will insist that his children are civil to you. You in turn will be prepared to take a caring interest in them. If their behaviour towards you is improved you may well find you can start to develop a fondness for them. Humour is a great ice breaker so try laughing at their attempts at humour.
Good luck

Get out of the situation, you are not happy with the arrangement and it will be best for everyone if you go your separate ways. You don't "inherit" step-children, you choose to take responsibility for them, and this includes paying for them. You clearly don't want them, and they certainly don't need a step-parent who doesn't want them.

op tbh he doesn't sound much of a Disney Dad to me - if he was I doubt he'd be involved with someone who doesn't even appear to like his precious DC very much.

Obviously it's up to you if you stay in this relationship or not - but I don't have high hopes for your future with this man when you seem to have such fundimental differences, and apparently aren't able to talk them through.

I agree with previous posters who suggest you need to think a bit more about your relationship with this man. If you are so negative about a key aspect of his behaviour (parenting) within a short paragraph, I wonder if you are positive enough to be marrying him or forming a long term commitment. Think carefully about this and about how you need to feel about a man to marry him - it's not that you have to think he is perfect, but you must have respect for him and any issues to be pretty minor. Your issues are not minor.

Secondly, if you are marrying him, you are also taking on the children too. You won't be their mother, but they are a key part of his life and need to be a key part of yours too - and that will mean some paying for things for them. A determination to split everything 50/50 also suggests to me that someone isn't ready to fully commit to a relationship but wants their own autonomy still. I'm not saying you must have shared finances, but being open about finances is a key part of a good relationship and some give and take about either of you sometimes paying more and sometimes less is important. It is impossible to act as if the children don't exist in financial or other ways. Their existence will impact your relationship and you personally on all kinds of levels....and you have to be prepared for that if joining your lives together. If you're not up for that, a man with children isn't for you.

It sounds like you feel he is after you paying for his kids.....if you do feel like this, again it rings alarm bells about the nature of your relationship. If he is doing this, it isn't great.....and if he isn't, but you perceive it as such, it's a problem too.

More communication is clearly needed.....about the children, his parenting, your relationship and money too are needed. Have these conversations before moving the relationship forward. It will be better for you, and there are kids involved, so moving forward in relationships which don't have the basic building blocks for success is clearly not great for the kids either.

Good luck OP in thinking about all the aspects of your relationship.

Considering you think it is acceptable to 'beat manners' into children I think this man is an idiot to let you within s thousand yards of his children and that their dislike of you is thoroughly justified.

I agree, walk away, though he can parent how he sees fit, it does not mean allowing his children to treat you badly, disrespecting you. He does not support you and that is a problem.

Op what do you mean by about to inherit? Are they going to be living with you?
I think you need to have a propper conversation with dp about the way things are going to proceed.
If you are paying half of things and entertaining his dc then you should have a say In The parenting of the children.
Rude children are absolutely no pleasure to be around wether they are your own someone else's.
Your Dp sounds a bit delusional if I'm honest. He wants you to share the financial burden of his children and entertain them but have no say on anything?? I wouldn't waste my money on them to be honest.
They are his responsibility not yours.
If he wants you financially involved only that just isn't fair.

More communication is clearly needed.....about the children, his parenting, your relationship and money too are needed. Have these conversations before moving the relationship forward

Agree with this. Maybe it's just me and that I value complete honesty in a relationship (paired with good communication you can avoid basically all drama), but why are you asking us this instead of speaking to him about it. If it was me I would have mentioned it after the second or third time of it ever happening. You can very easily have a frank conversation about it without being rude or putting him on the defensive (assuming he's a reasonable man - and if he's not, why even bother with him in the first place?).

No, you shouldn't be paying for his children.

You also shouldn't be in this relationship.

Trust me when I tell you that you would be better off walking away.

You don't have to love them, or be a ready made step-parent. But you don't like them and that never really changes. Resentments will build. Every little thing they do will annoy you. His parenting of them will annoy you more and more and that will seep into the rest of your relationship. And before you know it, you will hate them and wonder why people think you're unreasonable for locking yourself away because they've left a teaspoon out.

Walk. Away.

I could not tolerate being in a relationship where I felt like this about someone's children. It's not good for anyone involved.

You are the one with the choice here. The children don't have that luxury.

This really isn't going to work, OP. I know how horrible teenagers can be and it's clear they're not pleasant when they're with you. You know that part of the problem is your partner.

I would walk away and find someone else who doesn't have a family. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, their shoes or your partner's shoes.

Btw when the bill for the meal is paid, does he pay for it with the joint card?