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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying for the stepchildren

247 replies

StepMum2Be · 23/01/2017 16:53

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

OP posts:

NotYoda · 23/01/2017 18:51

Also, you had the choice to post this is Step Parenting, but you chose AIBU. I wonder why?

NotYoda · 23/01/2017 18:52

in Step Parenting

Pollyanna9 · 23/01/2017 18:54

I must say the reference to having manners' beaten into' OP worried me - although I didn't want to assume she shared that point of view, it kinda made me wonder if she did.

The OP and this man are incompatible in all the ways that matter to even hope to support a happy and successful step parenting situation. If he won't talk rationally about it and she wants to whack them (if she does!) then I can see no positive future in it AT ALL.

If a parent cannot see that their children are being rude, without having to be told let alone being told and then refuting and ignoring that information, there's literally no hope in my opinion and I think it would be unfair on those children, him and you to proceed further because if you want to marry someone with kids you WILL become their step mum and you SHOULD want to love them and be able to share that with a partner who fully supports you and where you both parent to some extent in the same style and way - you sound diametrically opposed right now and I can't see that will change.

Treaclex · 23/01/2017 18:55

You knew about the kids, you should've made those decisions way back then! Out of interest are you planning on having kids with Disney dad ?
I have 3 step children and all kids even though those 3 are adults are treated the same and shock horror I love them.

7SunshineSeven7 · 23/01/2017 18:55

As someone who grew up with a step mother who hated her, please walk away for the kids' sake.

Scholes34 · 23/01/2017 18:57

To be honest, meals out are lovely, but when you're a teenager, sometimes it's just food, an opportunity to refuel before doing something more interesting. Is the dining out a treat for the children, or an option that suits you and your partner? What about cooking something together at home?

You might want to suggest they say thank you to their dad, when you've got them on their own. Tell them that he'd really appreciate it. Eventually you'll get a thank you yourself, I'm sure.

Want2bSupermum · 23/01/2017 19:00

I think this is a reverse because most SM's don't refer to their OH as a Disney Dad.

If not, OP you need to understand that the children come first ALWAYS. I agree with others on here that if you can't accept that don't even think about dating a man who has children from a previous relationship.

If money was split evenly between you, your OH would deduct child maintenance payments to his ex and would use the lower income as the income he contributes to the household, meaning that if you earn almost equal amounts, you would pay more than him each month towards household expenses.

lovelearning · 23/01/2017 19:02

Run for the hills

Newbrummie, oracle.

Laska5772 · 23/01/2017 19:03

Its not for real I reckon

BillSykesDog · 23/01/2017 19:04

It occurred to me it's either the Dad or the Mum. Or perhaps even one of the children.

Come on OP, fess up.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 23/01/2017 19:11

My step dad and mum paid for all us kids (blended family), with no distinction, ever, between bio kids and step.
I don't know for certain, but I have no doubt that both parents have wills that leave everything to all of us, not just each ones biological children. I also think this attitude is a big part of the reason my siblings and I are reasonably close as adults.
I cant imagine how horrible it would have been if there had been a divvying up of the bills all the time-your kids, my kids. You cant live like that.
If you are going to be a family, you have to be just that, a single unit.

My partner and I have discussed living together, and I have broached the subject of child costs (activities/school trips etc)when talking about how we would manage our finances. He is adamant that its one pot for all expenses, and that expenses for my dc (not his) should be joint.
I would have accepted it if I was expected to pay more, but am relieved (and more sure of the relationship) knowing that he wants us to live like a family.
I also would never, ever consider a relationship with someone who didn't like my dc.
And OP, those kids know full well how you feel about them. That's why they hate you.

indigox · 23/01/2017 19:12

I have been a stepmother, thankfully not anymore, I felt the same way as you, Ex-h was a disney dad, wouldn't hear a wrong word said about the kid even when the kid blatantly needed some parenting, I resented spending my money on them as they were so ungrateful. Like you I thought I loved ex-h enough to ignore the resentment and the issues but it just doesn't work, it just gets progressively worse until it seeps into your life when they aren't there. Just leave now.

EdmundCleverClogs · 23/01/2017 19:15

StepMum2Be, if this is for real/not a reverse, I have a few questions:

How old were the children when you met them?

Were they always 'bad mannered', or are they just mardy teens?

Why did you agree to a joint account if you're not happy to pay for the entire family?

Do you not think that part of their bad manners stem from the fact that they can tell you dislike them, and show a lack of respect for their father in terms of parenting?

Are you planning on having your own children in this relationship?

missbishi · 23/01/2017 19:20

not sure what i woukd benefit from that personally rather than having more disposable income than my partner ... what would I spend that on.. Nice moisturiser?

If you wanted it, or indeed a naice anything then yes, why on earth not?

Laska5772 · 23/01/2017 19:23

If this is for real, I would be horrified to think my DCs would be spending the weekends with a stepmother who clearly did not like them at all ..

( I am a stepmother and now a step grandmother also )..

MsGameandWatch · 23/01/2017 19:24

I think this is a reverse because most SM's don't refer to their OH as a Disney Dad.

Oh they do. It's a constant refrain over on the Step board.

FatOldBag · 23/01/2017 19:25

If you don't have joint finances, then I suppose you should pay for your dinner and he should pay for his and the children's. It seems a bit mean if it comes to that though, but I don't see how else it would really be fair. Are you intending to join finances at any point? Because then all the money will be family money and effectively it'll be 50/50 anyway?

Rorylemony · 23/01/2017 19:28

It's not going to get easier living with them. I suggest you keep your own place and don't mix finances. Give it a couple of years then walk away if it's not any better.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/01/2017 19:30

I agree with those saying that the bigger problem is that the OP is expected to pay for the children but isn't given the chance to take responsibility for the children.

EweAreHere · 23/01/2017 19:31

You've described your partner as a Disney Dad and say he won't hear a word against them, no matter how rude they are. Plus, he expects you to pay half of their food bills essentially. And you don't think you need to love them. It doesn't even sound like you like them very much!

Why are you marrying someone you clearly don't respect as a parent, and you won't be able to 'fix', because he's clearly not open to it. And why are you marrying someone who, without asking you, thinks you should be paying for half of his children's costs when they're with him?

This won't end well. You will be resentful and bitter that they can treat you how they like, because he won't entertain complaints about them. And he will be resentful and bitter that you don't love his children as if they were your own, and this will piss you off.

I really don't think marriage is your best way forward under these conditions.

CookieDoughKid · 23/01/2017 19:32

I think you need to have a hard chat with your Dh to figure this out. At the moment your views are very disjointed and when the big stuff comes later on - school fees, holidays, cars, house deposits for children . How you going to navigate that? My dh step dad is MUCH wealthier than his bio mum. In fact she was in debt when they met. They eventually made wills so that all children including dh will get equal share of inheritance. And we are talking of an estate worth at least a million. One could argue if that is not fair.

I think you need to rethink your approach. They may not call you mum but they will become your children and your responsibility is only just behind their natural mother.

Work out with your dh on what is acceptable. Ultimately you will find your answers and you will soon realise if it's worth staying. Or not.

MomOfTwins2 · 23/01/2017 19:34

I have read most of the thread, and I'm in agreement with the majority on here. If you feel you don't need to love kids who are going to be a big part of your future, then you are not ready for motherhood in any way, shape or form. Kids need love and acceptance, and as a mother I can't understand how you can not love children who are part of your life. You sound like you don't even like them. And if their behaviour is already bothering you this much, try to imagine how much it's going to annoy you a year or two from now. Things like this end relationships. It's not a matter of not closing the toothpaste lid - it's big and serious.

Also, his kids will always - ALWAYS - come first. And if he gets upset and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with this doesn't bode well for your future with this man either. And I come from a relationship with a narcissistic control freak who almost destroyed me. I say walk - I think you're in for a world of hurt.

Barbie222 · 23/01/2017 19:35

Absolutely agree with previous posts saying that OP should step away asap.

laidbackmummy13 · 23/01/2017 19:36

My advice , you love him. And contrary to popular opinion you do NOT have to love them. You don't even have to like them. Simply be polite and point them in their fathers direction any time they want something. They are not your responsibility so he pays for them when you go out and when you stay in. Christmas birthdays and special occasions also his to pay.

This is not a popular opinion but it's an honest one.

Your relationship can work so long as you set boundaries and agree on them and stick to them

Laska5772 · 23/01/2017 19:40

.. and what a wonderful happy atmosphere that will make for all.. laidbackmummy

( ill be getting out of this thread now)

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