Paying for the stepchildren

[StepMum2Be]

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

Actually I think you can opt out of love. Particularly with teenagers who are often fighting to get a bit of space from parental love.

Consistency, decency, kindness, consideration and helpfulness - doing your best to model the sort of behaviour you'd like to receive in return.

You don't instantly love somebody else's children - this takes time if it happens at all - and fakery is disastrous.

I was one of the ones to say walk away not for anything you are doing op but simply because the two of you are not on the same page where the children are concerned. You mentioned an inability to discuss things because your df won't and it is that which will cause the issues not whether you love the children or not. If you can't communicate and resolve things then you will end up more and more resentful which does not make for a happy life for anyone. This situation is not fair on you because your feelings are being disregarded by your df.

Yep you don't need to love SC. But it sure as hell helps if you like them, are fond of them and either share some values with them or understand their values. Those kind of things make it easier to share a home/life with anyone.

DH and I have separate finances partly because I wouldn't necessarily agree with how he spends his money on his kids.

DH funded his son to have a year out not working after uni - with no pressure to get a job - living at home. I was fairly furious at that even without it being 'our' money funding it.

If he takes me and the kids out he pays. If I took one of the kids out on my own I'd pay.

I'm not sure that 'our' money works terribly well in the context of step families.

I'd like to take issue with this blanket assertion (made by several people) that "teenagers are vile"

Not in my experience. They are people, with their own history of experiences and current emotions. They sometimes act out because they can't articulate. They sometimes forget their manners.
The youngest one here is 13. He needs to adults to be caring and try to understand. To offer boundaries from a position of goodwill

My teenager is an absolute star. Kind, gentle, loving. He's rather lazy but I will take that given the above.

Sorry if it's been asked before but I don't understand why your dp doesn't pay for your dinner too when you all eat out?

Yes I agree that labelling all teens as 'vile' is ridiculous.

Two of my DC have been through 'teenage' so far and yes they had their challenging moments, but overall continued to be the lovely boys they'd always been.

I may be going against the grain here, but as a step child (and a parent) myself, I think it's worth considering that:

• you don't get to "buy" parental rights - paying money towards dinner does not equal having a say in how these children are raised. They have 2 parents already;
• parenting (including discipline) should be done with love. If you do not love the children, you should not at all be parenting or disciplining them. I do not mean that the love needs to be the same love that a parent has for a child, but certainly the bar should be set higher than the level of contempt the OP has for the children; and
• perhaps OH is reacting with hostility to parenting suggestions because he is protecting his children from the OP's contempt of them?

Well said TamT01

Agree, Well said TamT01

Smack on Tam

Also agree that all teens are not vile. My DS is currently going through a tough time and is horrible to live with - but I love him with all my heart and would give my life for him. He will, I hope grow out of this behaviour.

My DD was a lovely teen - worked hard, had friends, good company. They are all different.

Love is the key - or at the very least respect!!

In answer to your question I think your H2B should pay the bill when his children are there which would give you the opportunity to say - I want to treat us today to a trip here or dinner there etc.

You are not financially responsible for the children. I think they are old enough for you to not be a step parent to them, rather their dad's wife if that makes sense.

You do not have to take any responsibility for the children in my opinion and it sounds as though they would be happy for you to be an adult they know rather than step mum.

Don't walk away. You can make this work to suit everyone. If you divide the financial aspect of this then resentment will not build up.

I'm not suggesting that they have separate food etc but more outings.

Sorry but your married, not dating. Therefore you shouldn't even be splitting bills. It's weird. Money should be mostly both of yours and the kids costs shouldn't even be mentioned. My DH is step father to my kids, he raises them like his own and loves them like his own. I wouldn't have accepted any less. You marry a parent, you accept the kids and responsibilities too.

Yep my 4 as teenagers were fine. As were their friends.

You don't like them now op and doesn't sound like this will get better.

Walk away.

There was a thread earlier today where the child had found out the sf didn't like her. The mother had stayed with him despite this. The consensus was that the op should never have stayed with this man; she has a lot of damage to repair.
You may not have openly voiced your opinion and you are graciously allowing them to stay in your house, but your tone in talking about them makes your opinion of them obvious and frankly your DH is letting them down by exposing them to this level of contempt.

I don't know exactly what my DHs feelings on my DC are. I wouldn't expect to love them like he does his DS as for me that would be odd. But I'm sure he cares about them a lot (as do I for his DS). That feeling doesn't come across about your relationship with your SDC although I realise we only have the words you've used to go by

Not read all the comments so maybe someone already suggested this but maybe he should pay on the weekend his kids are with you, and you pay on the week they aren't with you?

You are completely justified in feeling as you do. I say this from experience, there is no need for you to parent these children, emotionally or financially. They have parents. It is completely acceptable to have a good relationship with their father without subjecting yourself to a level of commitment to his children that you're uncomfortable with. Being honest about this with him would be good for your relationship- and if he doesn't accept this... it ain't gonna work. However, if he values you- and he very likely does - then he should understand. even if ultimately he naturally wants to share his own parenting responsibility. Remember it is HIS responsibility, not yours.

How can you respect a Disney dad?

Also, think about removing yourself when he is parenting- or ask him to. See friends and family. Ask him to commit to do the same and keep any contact short ( 2-4 hours max) and positive so a future ' grown up' relationship is not jeapordised.

Disney dads are to be swerved at all costs. Pains in the arse, expect you to be slavish to their little (or grown) darlings. You couldn't pay me to be in that situation. You've already got the warning bells

My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with

I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill

always expected? Why?

It'd be bye bye from me. You'll be the one with no voice in the relationship, why even put yourself through that? Not to mention on MN as a stepmum/stepmum to be its often going to be the case that unless you bend over backwards to accommodate the children even if they're rude af etc, then you are the wicked witch.

But I think you are saying you are going to stay so, best find a way to put up with it as he won't change. They're his children they come first. Depends if you think he is worth it and worth all the resentments you will feel in future years

I'm not a step mother, and to be quite honest, I wouldn't get myself into a relationship with a man who has children because I really don't think I would want to take on his children. But then, I am very close to my ex husband's nephews whom I've known since they were 9 and 14 years old, so maybe I could be a step mother. Both nephews have lived with me for a few months at a time as young adults, and I am very much their auntie even though their uncle and I have been apart for 10 years now.

My DS has a step mother - she and my ex married about 4 years ago. She has no children of her own and as she's in her early 50s won't be having any. My DS, who has Asperger's, is now 15 and she get on well with him - I see her being loving towards him, genuinely caring for me, and I know from speaking with him that he is able to confide in her when he has problems and she gives him the same advice that I give him. She is an only child, and is very close to her parents who treat my DS, her DSS, as a grandchild. Overall, I am glad that she is in my DS's life, especially as she seems to be something of a calming influence on my ex, and acts as a buffer between my ex and our DS if their relationship is strained or difficult.

You really don't seem to going to have that kind of relationship with your step children, which is sad, actually, for all of you.

Another thing to consider is that the arrangements for residence and access might change. My DS used to stay with me during the week and his DF 3 weekends out of 4, sometimes less. I moved for work reasons over 2 years ago, and that would have meant my DS changing school. He was distraught about the prospect of starting over in a new place and new school and long story short, the residence arrangement flipped over. He now stays with his DF and DSM during the week, and with me 3 weekends out of 4. How would you feel if that were to happen?

genuinely caring for him, not for me!

they are dearly loved by their father and want for nothing. I don't feel I need to love them, they have everything they need from their mother and father.

You don't even like them. You are all set up to be the evil step mother. You want him to pay for their meals, but you didn't just discuss it with him. The fact that you and your boyfriend can't have an honest, constructive conversation about something so key in life is a massive red flag waving wildly.

Move out, and just see him when his kids aren't there. Keep it that way until the kids are on their own and pay their own bills. Then only see the kids if they are polite to you.

His kids could move in full time at all time. They will need money for uni (hopefully). Or rehab (spoiling children with things but never requiring them to behave is the perfect recipe for the teen being a train wreck at some point).